But I know how to turn my mood around

Yesterday I came home and was sad, frustrated, done with life and the world. I hated my job, my life, my situation, etc. I was having the biggest pity party, and no one was invited.

I opened my computer and ran into old Design work I had done, old videos, old pictures. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit, I have made a sport out of it. I am a good designer, I am a good eating disorder battler, I am a good warrior. My obsession with perfection and my expectations are what keep me blindfolded.

I blindfold myself from the progress, my achievements and my current situation. Maybe I wanted to have EVERYTHING figured out by the time I turned a certain age. But I have reached a certain age and I don’t have it all figured out (nor have I the husband, the house and the perfect job). And that’s ok because life is about figuring things out, about getting better, stronger, wiser and smarter. Life is a learning journey. I still have a lot to change, and a long distance to walk but with all I have done I’ve paved the way to move faster in some areas. The difficult ones are those lessons I have yet to learn.

But Erika, come back here whenever you feel like you’ve run out of hope. Keep dancing, keep laughing and keep creating because that is your essence, not bingeing or feeling down.

I love you, and me, and you.

And then…

There are days like today when i think: wouldn’t it be better if I didn’t wake up tomorrow? If i just vanished into my sleep?

Yes, that would solve it all. 

I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

Venting time

These past couple of days have felt like Deja vu.

I am back at where I started. I am 28 now. I am unhappily employed. I compare myself to other people and their jobs. I’m a pro at evading. I’m 24 again.

What did my 24 year old self did that got me right back here? She planned and promised but failed to develop either discipline or commitment. She moved from one comfort zone to another. She kept it quiet, not wanting to disturb. She pleased people. She kept herself down by not acknowledging her abilities. She was afraid to shine. She avoided listening to her gut (even though it was screaming out loud).

What is my gut saying right now?

Don’t quit French lessons, you’re doing amazing and it has a purpose, I promise. Keep writing on your blog. Honour yourself by keeping your promises. Develop discipline. Work hard(er). Flee the country.

What would I say to my 24 year old self?

You will travel as much as you wish to (Missouri, NY, Chicago, Paris, London, and multiple times to the beach). The trips will exceed your expectations: reality does beat imagination. You’ll be very happy and unhappy because such is life (but happiness rules most of your life). You’ll learn French and succeed at it. You’ll get closer to real friends and discard the phony ones. You’ll lose 10 pounds in 5 months. You’ll enjoy taking care of yourself. You’ll binge on chocolates… and laughter and love. You’ll face rejection and write about it, and that will help you learn, hence grow. Love, your future, awesome self. “

 

 

 

 

No one hits the bullseye with the first arrow

Yesterday I was (re)watching Downton Abbey and this quote (the title of this post) hit home with me. 

Yesterday I didn’t know today I would be rejected by the Public Education Secretary to go on a Scholarship to teach Spanish in France. But somehow the quote resonated with me, as a foreshadow of what I would find out today. It’s as if I knew, deep down that I wasn’t gonna get the scholarship. I don’t know how but my intuition has gotten better over the years. I am learning to listen and sometimes I don’t like what it has to say. 

I know not getting this scholarship  means I have bigger and better things ahead of me. 

I know my current job is not where I should be.

I know this first try is not a fall, but a stumble. 

And I am just certain that everything happens for a reason.

I won’t give up, I’ll just work harder because no one hits the bullseye with the first arrow.



Stuck to say the least

I’m in a job where I like what I do… most days. Some days I don’t feel like I’m growing or going anywhere and even though I wouldn’t have studied something other than Graphic Design, I sometimes wonder:

Why can’t I earn more money?

Why can’t I be independent?

Why can’t I be at my ideal, healthy weight?

Why can’t I have better exercise habits?

Why can’t I be braver to quit my job and find something that fulfills me?

Why can’t I be more talented, more beautiful, more centered and smart?

The answers to these questions are unknown. I hope I’m not just a mediocre human being who will always be mediocre in every aspect of my life.

 

A challenge every day

So far I’ve been doing stuff on a zombie mode and haven’t been challenging myself. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at 69kg. I’m at a comfort zone in my job and have developed not so good eating habits.
So I’m starting today. Two hard things to do tomorrow:

Wake up without hitting the snooze button.

Go on a full day without Facebook. 

And if i write it here, i will be able to achieve it, fo sure. 

Why I am grateful

You know what, diary? I just binged. I ate a mini brownie, a bolillo, 1/4 of avocado, and lots of Ritz cookies.

But a binge doesn’t define my day.

Waking up at 6 am to exercise does. Waking up with a smile on my face does define my day because there was a time, not long ago when I used to wake up not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed or even go outside. I keep remembering how horrifying and awful that was.

So now, I am grateful for every single day I wake up healthy, happy and looking forward for the day ahead of me.

I am no longer trying to analyse my binges, even though I wish they wouldn’t happen anymore. I am not wasting any more time overanalysing the negative aspects of my day. Because doing so brings more of the same.

Thanking God every single day for waking up.

Being grateful for having health.

Showing gratitude for my job by being of service.

Loving those around me more than I can imagine.

Meditating every single night

Having discipline.

Working hard.

Those things I can focus on and overanalyse. That way, I can keep growing. That way I can keep living.

How I Afford to Travel… And You May Not Like What I’m Going To Say

Kate from the States

The honest truth – I never have the money I need to travel, but I buy the ticket anyway. I’ve realized that money comes and goes, but the more I make, the harder it is to part with it and weirdly, the less I have, the easier it becomes to budget.

I don’t do that saving account, checking account, travel account thing either. I am not rational. I am extreme. I want to travel and so I do. There is no in between. While I was working my first career job in public relations, I realized early on that it was going to take me forever to save all the money I would need to see the world. I come from a middle class family, I’m the middle child of five and I live in one of the most expensive places in America – Long Island, New York. I don’t…

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The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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Liebster Award

liebster21

The lovely Colleen from Sprinkles and Skirts nominated me and brought me back to blogging :).

The Liebster award is an award given out to meet new bloggers and identify your favorite ones.

After receiving the award you must:

1) Post the award on your blog.

2) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog.

3) Write 11 random facts about yourself.

4) Nominate any number of bloggers you think deserve this award. If possible, they should have less than 200 followers.

5) Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you, and ask 11 questions to the people you nominate in your post. 

I nominate these amazing blogs:

Message in a bottle 

Joyful Cacophony

The Roaming Lama

Lose da Booze

Morning Tear

Work of your hands 

Weightloss Counter Revolution

Sprinkles and Skirts

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Lifeyum

Sober Identity

Questions for my beautiful nominees:

What 3 items would you take if you went to a desert island?

What do you like most about life?

What makes you happy?

What is your passion?

What is it that you do every day to keep you joyful?

Why do you blog?

What is your favourite food in the world?

What is your biggest dream in life?

What book are you currently reading?

Who is your role model and why?

Favourite movie of all time?

Eleven random facts about me: 

1. I am a very good and happy Graphic Designer (not a web designer, evidently)

2. I have learned to love myself through this blog (I’m still learning)

3. My family is the most important thing in my life

4. Chocolate is the second most important thing in my life 

5. I am a sucker for anything that has “vegan”, “gluten free”, “organic” attached to any food title because it removes any feelings of guilt in my head

6. Dancing is part of my essence

7. I have an obsession with living abroad

8. Through this blog I have developed meaningful friendships (and hopefully long-lasting ones)

9. I have come to enjoy weightlifting thanks to several accounts I follow on Instagram of kick ass women

10. I think Beyoncé is the epitome of perfection in a human being 

11. I LOVE meeting new people and keeping them around 

Answers to questions asked by Colleen:

1. What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own and why? A blue blazer from Banana Republic cause it’s both pretty and cozy.

2. What is your achilles heel? Chocolate.

3. What is your biggest pet peeve? Visible tumors, or weird skin rashes.

4. Tropical beach or European city vacation? Tropical beach in winter, European city on summer.

5. What are you self-conscious about? My legs.

6. What inspires you? Blogs, beautiful movies, over achievers, Ted Talks, kind people, animals. 

7. Would you call yourself an introvert or an extrovert and why? An extrovert. I’ve been told I don’t have word-filter.

8. Cat person or dog person and why? Dog person ❤ <3. I’ve always been around dogs.

9. If you could interview anyone from history or today who would it be and why? Mindy Kaling because I admire her entirely.

10. What are you most proud of in your life? Recovering from bulimia.

11. What is your favorite thing to cook/bake? Tuna, basil, onions and tomato cous cous.

If you reached this part of the post, I congratulate you and leave you with a big kiss :* !!!

AB Journaling

A: You wasted a whole weekend, escaped reality, didn’t work out, ate a lot, didn’t change your cellphone, didn’t investigate about scholarships abroad, didn’t do the homework for work. You are a woman of nearly 30 years of age and still act like a child. When is this all gonna change?

B: Hello sweetie. You did not waste a weekend. You caught up with an old friend, got to remember how helpful it was opening your blog, went to a concert, realised how much you would like to have an independent life abroad, and what you do want, and what you don’t. You may have escaped your reality a bit, but you enjoyed it because that is what you have learned to do over the years: enjoy life. You did a useful thing: you invested time in people you love. You did eat, maybe a lot, maybe not. Tomorrow is a day to redeem yourself. You can start by making the time to work out tomorrow. Stop beating yourself up and, tomorrow make a list of all the things you should do so you can prioritise and achieve goals.

You are 3 years away of turning 30. Make them worthy, happy and enjoyable. Life is to live it, enjoy it and doing so in your own way.

I love you, always.