Weird bipolar day

I woke up today with a good attitude, the sun was shinning (it still is), but i opened my eyes until 12pm.

I feel like I don’t know what to wake up to, and I can’t believe that the only exercise I am doing everyday, is walking on the treadmill for 40 minutes (like an old lady). Yesterday I went to my gym, and an old man outran me on the treadmill next to me! I just walked because I hadn’t showered, and was afraid to stink and sweat with a bunch of people. I walked kinda slowly, and then took a bath and got dressed to go to the movies with a really good friend. I put on those jeans that make me realize wether I’ve gained or lost weight… well yesterday I was in awe due to the fact that they didn’t even want to go up past my knees. I could zip them up eventually, but felt physically bad because they were soooo tight. I decided not to beat myself up (like I always do when i realize how much weight I’ve gained) and kept an upbeat attitude about the whole thing.

In the afternoon, my mum and I had a really nice meal in the garden, we chatted, we laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. Afterwards, she asked me to help her arrange photo albums, and I came across some really embarrassing pics of myself. Everytime I look at old pics of me, I realize how I’ve always struggled with my weight, and even when I was 25 pounds skinnier than I am now, I didn’t enjoy it because that weight issue lives inside me. I think it is starting to go away, but I get kinda beat up when I watch my younger self. Mostly because I used to think that those weight problems would disappear when I was “old”… well I’m, not old now, but I am older and they still exist in my present. I’ve also realized that I am an expert in living in the future, rather than the present, so I need to work on living in the now.

I am still enjoying every meal and snack I experience throughout the day, taking my time and thanking for the food I eat. The “” site has really helped me in so many ways. I am so happy another bulimic went through all that trouble in order to really help other bulimics in search of recovery without making any profit out of it. So far, I’ve only tried her advices for 2 days, but I am enjoying the tips this chick has for us.

I wanna do a masters in Editorial Design in Paris, and I think I am just on time.

I spent about 2 hours in Pinterest reading motivational quotes and phrases, and one in particular caught my attention: “The work you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life”. What i do while I procrastinate is surf facebook, and Pinterest, and I don’t think those are very positive or moneymaking activities, so I feel more lost than ever.

I’m gonna hop on the treadmill now, I need to get my head straight, and my therapist, the treadmill, is waiting for another session.

Kisses, E.

“Comparison is the thief of joy” !


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