I woke up at 10 am this morning… pretty late for a week day, but I slept at 1:30am watching a new Smash episode, my latest obsession. One more time, I realize that sleeping very late for stupid reasons does me no good at all: I wake up feeling extremely tired and moody. Sleeping early at night is something I must breed into a habit.
I enjoy immensely watching, reading and listening positive posts, books and videos, I think it is affecting me in a positive way.
I got pretty upset yesterday because of something I went through with my close friends. I felt like something in my stomach was cooking, and felt shaky all over my body…i hadn’t felt like that in a while, in a very long while. I didn’t like the feeling at all, but I did fancy the fact that I am starting to feel again, instead of avoiding, ignoring or eating them away. Being angry and upset, I wrote a note to my friends concerning the issue, which really worked as a catharsis, this writing habit has become a very positive act to deal with my day to day crisis haha.
I saw the pictures I took of myself and felt bummed, but then again remembered that I’m in a process and my body will start morphing into what I’ve been envisioning. In order for that to happen I must get off my ass and work out! there’s no other way.
My eating habits are improving, and I feel more calmed now. Yesterday I didn’t binge at all, and today, so far, I haven’t felt the need to.
I got an e-mail from my ex boyfriend today, saying that he’s coming to Mexico in the summer (he lives in France) and that he wants to talk over skype. The ex thing is a sore issue for me, so I don’t know what to think or what to do. I haven’t replied and don’t know if I will.
OMG! I just got home from a zumba class where I had some serious epiphanies!!!
Things are definitely easier said than done. I’ve been comparing myself to others since I can remember, and I have applied the “all or nothing” attitude in every single aspect of my life. Dancing is something that makes me absolutely happy, and I stopped because I didn’t feel good enough, didn’t learn the steps quickly, didn’t feel ‘gifted’ like other people, you name it, any possible excuse to make me feel inferior I used in order to become a victim.
“The magic happens when you step out of your comfort zone” was the phrase stuck in my head during the class… I was definitely out of my comfort zone, out of my treadmill, of my daily 40 minute walk, of my house, in front of a mirror, realizing that I’ve gained more weight than I thought, wearing some pants that no longer fit as nicely as they did. It has been really easy for my to stay home, tied to a monotonous routine where nothing can hurt me or challenge me. And my weight is like a tangible evidence of it all, but this story applies in every area of my life: I begin doing something, then I compare myself to everyone, so end up feeling inferior and stop doing the thing that made me so happy.
I am constantly afraid and instead of facing that fear , I choose to evade it and stay stuck at the same place where I started. I really believe that my overweight (and everything I’ve been through related to it) are gifts from God, because the only way I learn, is by falling on my face, and have I fallen badly! At class today, I couldn’t help but to criticize myself and constantly tried to evade watching my own reflection in the mirror, as if I was ashamed. But then, it hit me like a sack of bricks: every single freaking time I gain weight, I have the same behavior and end up feeling sad and, ironically, stuffing my face with any food on sight. So, I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself: look at that beautiful girl who is enjoying herself during her recovery, and knows that what she sees in the mirror is only temporary because she is in the middle of a process, and self-love is a very important element in the road to recovery. I also stopped thinking about what other people would say about my weight and realized that no one really cares about it, they are too busy worrying about their own insecurities. I have decided to stop giving power to other people’s opinions (I have to constantly remind myself of it, though, to make it a habit).
I have had dreams and wishes of becoming a zumba teacher, or a dance teacher, I think I would be so good! But first, I have to keep dancing and prepare myself to teach. I would also love to take salsa lessons, and eventually compete in the field. I’ve been thinking about that since last year, so now I need to find ways to make that happen.
I had to write all of this! Look at what happens when I dance for an hour!!
A small goal, from now on, will be to daily do something that keeps me out of my comfort zone: something that makes me nervous, awkward and uncomfortable.
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we DO have”
Lovely day, and thanks for reading!