Writing therapy

Ok, so I hadn’t written because I didn’t feel like it. I had two binges: one last night, one today, both with mini salty cookies, I must have eaten like a thousand per binge. Why did they happen? Remember when I said that being overweight was like a blessing in disguise? Well, I don’t feel like that all the time, I wish I were as thin as I once was (25 pounds ago).

I feel like I had given 5 steps forward, and now, 3 backwards with the binges; I hate the bingeing sensation, not so much during, but afterwards, it feels awful. The only good thing, is that it didn’t turn into a sugar binge and that I did not barf.

I read an article Serena Dyer wrote today, and it said that, to have the changes one wishes to manifest, we have to become them, and I think I totally understood and loved that thought, I just have to practice being my changed self so I can truly become it.

In the afternoon, I wanted to eat something sweet, and was about to go down the stairs to look for it, or prepare something to satisfy my need. But, I took the high way, brushed my teeth and started working on the web page for one of my clients: I decided to be productive instead of eating because I was bored.

I dislike myself when I don’t take a bath during the whole day, and today was one of those lazy days (one of too many I’ve had recently). It is definitely a nasty habit I must get rid off because by bathing and wearing something other than pants, I feel better about myself. It also has to do with the fact that many of my jeans don’t fit, fit too tight, or are torn pretty badly. I don’t wanna buy new jeans because that would mean (in my head) I can stay this overweight for another while, and also because I don’t have any money to go shopping. I’ve taken better care of my salary this month, but sometimes it is maddening not having enough money to do everything I wanna do. But, every little thing I imagine myself doing (giving zumba lessons, wearing pretty, fashionable clothes, traveling with my dream boyfriend, doing a master’s degree in France), I am skinny (20 pounds skinnier) and happy. Meanwhile, I feel chubby and haven’t been successful getting rid of that feeling, so I don’t do all those things because I’m waiting to be as I wanna be, to do them!

Love, E.

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