Burning desire…

The day came, the dreaded and feared moment happened a few hours ago…. No, I didn’t purge but the thought and desire took over me, just like the old barfing days. This time, I know what triggered it, but first let’s go through my binge: One organic dark chocolate amaranth bar, a milk chocolate covered cereal bar, a bagel with TONS of butter and parmesan cheese, 7 whole wheat cookies, 8 sweet cookies, 3 caramel cream treats, and a whole popcorn bag. Damn! going through it is not a pretty thing, but even though I ate like there was no tomorrow, I am so happy I didn’t purge. The next thing I did after the massive binge was entering Shaye’s site to go through stories and questions from other bulimic girls out there trying to recover and managed to calm myself down by realizing that I’m not alone in this.

What triggered it? Obviously many factors did, but mainly:

My mom “casually” slipped the comment that one of her friend’s daughter is currently earning $40,000 (pesos) a month by working in a tax-deduction firm, and that I should be working somewhere… anywhere else in order to have a steady and strong income. She gets quite desperate with the freelance nature of my company, and the unsteadiness that results from it. And, to be quite honest, I am desperate too. The thing is, that my level of confidence in the business world is on the floor and I’m reluctant to look for a job since I applied to Procter & Gamble, and received a “No, thank you” response. If I do get another job, I would like to be hired in a big firm, like Google, Apple, or 3M, but the “you are not enough” phrase engraved on my brain, paralises me. So, yes, my future and my job are delicate matters for me: this being an adult thing is not as fun as I would have thought. I don’t wanna settle by getting any job just for the sake of winning money! I want a job that makes me happy and helps me grow both professionally and personally.

Another important triggering factor was hopping on the scale to realize I’ve gained 1kg… I’m heavier than I’ve ever been (67kg: 12 kgs over my ideal weight). I acted cool when my korean doctor mouthed: “seventy seven kilograms”, but went back home and started to worry sick about it. I thought I should starve, or follow his suggestions (eating lots of veggies, fruit and poultry; completely eliminate sugar, flour, fine salt and anything fried) in order to lose as much weight as possible and live happily ever after. But, the simple thought of prohibition turns me into an anxiety overeating mess.

Later on, in Shaye’s God-sent site, I read that bulimics tend to gain between 3 or 4 kg during recovery due to the fact that our wise bodies retain as much water as possible (most bulimics become very dehydrated from all the purging) in case of any other future purging episode.

I read so many beautifully relevant thoughts, I decided to quote them:

“You need to try and foster self love, kindness and appreciation… All of these feelings are habits – and the more often you replace negative thoughts with them, the more natural they’ll become…”

“Think of it as walking through a field of high grass…The existing pathways are easy to walk through – as they’ve been trodden time and time again… but, they always take you to the same old place… Negativity, self loathing… bulimia. To get somewhere new, you need to walk through the long, hard-to-manage grass… It’s tough at first, each step unnatural and difficult… but, with repetition, the path becomes clearer and more natural… Eventually the old path becomes overgrown – and the path of least resistance becomes the new healthy path that leads to love and acceptance…

It’s the same with building new habits – habits of self acceptance, love and healthy choices…”

“You have made it 18 steps forward and one step back.”

“Your new outlook on your ‘slip-ups’ is such an important step in the journey of recovery… ALWAYS focus on the positive steps that you are taking… which, it seems, there are so many…”

So my day turned into a very beautiful one, and I decided to perceive the slip-up as an achievement to be proud of. I didn’t purge even though I wanted to so badly, now that was something worth celebrating!

I went out with my girlfriends to bar hop and my attitude of gratitude was boundless! I didn’t care my stomach was bloated because of the binge, or that my pants fitted slightly tight, or that I had gained weight: I had survived a binge without purging and I was celebrating that marvelous fact. The night wasn’t perfect, but I felt perfectly happy, beautiful, and thankful. I wanted to hug myself and kiss my 20-day-bulimia-free body but then remembered I was at a public space haha, so I did it in my mind. It’s amazing how a positive mindset can turn things around.

I am already late for meditation, so I have to wrap this post now.

“Life is like Photography: we develop from the negatives”.

Thanks for reading!

Endless love, E.


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