Once, my ex boyfriend complained with me about a friend he had who said acted like a child: she couldn’t decide things for herself, was very easily influenced and gullible. He basically said she was a 27 year old child. Sometimes I feel like I’m a child, too.
I think I made a choice to develop an eating disorder to have an excuse not to grow up, I feel like I got stuck for 7 years. The problem was, that the disease got out of my hands by fooling myself into thinking I could control it and thinking that I could stop if I wished to. To me, that is child-like behavior and thinking; eating like crazy and then barfing my craziness away seemed like the most effective manner to evade responsibility. Now, by acknowledging bulimia and taking steps toward recovery, I feel like I’m on the right path to maturity. It’s not being easy, but nothing worth achieving is.
Well, today I chatted with the ex-boyfriend through Skype, and melted like butter… he says the nicest things to me and I admit it, I love having someone telling me how beautiful I am, how much he misses me and how he “boozes up to forget me”. I haven’t defined that situation yet, but I don’t like the fact that I’m still caught up in a long distance semi-relationship.
I almost binged today, but instead prepared myself a cacao/banana smoothie and seized my anxiety.
The bingeing/barfing urge is still present but I haven’t succumbed to it’s power, which is diminishing every time I decide not to barf.
I’m doing well on working in my self-love, but it doesn’t come natural yet so I must keep practicing until it kicks my bingeing urges’ ass!
I need to meditate so I can sleep calmly, so see ya laterz!