Define rock bottom

Ok, so I hadn’t posted that much because my mood has been off lately, and didn’t feel like writing or spreading my lack of joy and energy to the www. I also procrastinate when it comes to writing in my blog because I take twice the time to translate my thoughts into  coherent  and grammatically correct entries (my native language is Spanish).

On Friday, after writing my “i hate the world” post, my dad took my sister, her boyfriend and me to a car launching cocktail because my sister’s bf convinced us to go and take advantage of free food and alcohol haha. I wouldn’t have attended on my own, but was glad he talked us into going cause it turned out to be fun! Besides, my sister’s boyfriend said something to me that got carved into my brain significantly. We were talking about me not wanting to go to this cocktail things, so he replied “You don’t know if you’ll find the love of your life right here, tonight and I can assure you it won’t happen by staying locked in your room like you always do. It really got me thinking and I think it applies in every area of my life.  Later that night, one of my closest friends came by my house so that we could watch movies in our pj’s eat popcorn and catch up, so my night turned out to be awesome.

On Saturday, I had planned to get some work done, work out and be productive, but neither of those things happened, instead I watched a Mad Men marathon laying in bed all afternoon. I’ll explain what has been happening to me almost every day: an extreme laziness takes over me, then turns into depression that leads to bingeing and immersing in a turmoil of negativity. The binges, they haven’t been that frequent, instead I have been eating relentlessly and carelessly: I eat what I feel like when I want it, but the portions aren’t otherworldly (maybe that’s why I haven’t barfed). Even though I haven’t barfed, I’m not feeling any happier, in fact, I’ve been feeling lousier and sadder without the barfing because what’s left are the excessive eating, the extra pounds and a very confused head.

I talked  to my brother at night and made me feel so much better, he always knows what to say to me without giving me the “poor you” treatment and instead making me realize I’m stuck where i am because I want to and because I have become an expert in playing the victim. I love talking to him because even though he hasn’t gone through the same problems, he puts everything into perspective and helps me realize it is not as bad as I seems and that there is a solution if I decide to take control.

I have been following a blog of this girl who lost 50 pounds by exercising and eating healthy, and I feel very identified with many of her posts where she writes down her feelings, insecurities and how she rises above them. I love reading her and realizing that the right mindset can overcome unwanted situations and thoughts.

I don’t really think that I am putting my 100% effort in making significant changes, in fact I feel like I’ve been avoiding the problem itself and covering it with sugar, flour and any food of that sort. It’s way easier to focus on food and not barfing, than on the strategy to get rid of negative mentality while breeding a positive one.

As bad as I felt all Saturday, at night I decided to look as great as I could and to feel that way too. I ended up looking so good, every person I bumped into mentioned it to me. I felt gorgeous, so I looked gorgeous, even with my extra weight, even with the extra cellulite that has appeared on my legs, even without wearing new fashion blog-like clothes, I felt like a million bucks. I did drink alcohol, not in a moderate way, but in a large amount. Yes, I like how I feel when I drink, yes I become uninhibited and yes I know it doesn’t do my body any good. I’ve come to analyze why I drink when I go out, and it is because it helps me to relax, to not over think, to  not compare myself to other girls, to feel sexy and confident. I’m aware it is a fake confidence, but fake works when I don’t obsess over the stupid little voices that paralyze me when I’m sober: “Will I have a good time?”, “Will that guy look at me?”, “I bet that girl can have any guy she wants”, “Is this lighting favorable to me, or do I look fat?”, “The music in here sucks”, “Of course that tall blonde came with the hot guy I laid eyes on”. It’s like I forget all of the things that could go wrong, stop being judgmental of myself and others, dare to hit on guys, dance my ass off without worrying if my muffin top will show if I lift my arms, and have a good time! That is, until the alcohol starts kicking in as the poison it really is and I stop feeling or looking as hot. Then, the lovely hangover reminds me that I must find healthier ways to boost my confidence and quit the self-destructing booze that helps making my vicious cycle perfectly round and strong and harder to break.

I must go to bed now, for sleeping late only prepares my upcoming day to be unproductive and lazy.

I like to forget, but this blog is intended to be a testimony of a healthy, positive and happy life. The only way to lead that life is by breeding happiness and self-love into a habit. I don’t see myself working as hard as I know I can, so this is only the beginning.

Have a lovely night, lovely readers.

Thanks for reading.

E.

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3 thoughts on “Define rock bottom

  1. I love how you’ve managed to build this relationship with yourself, that many often don’t, I think… You are showing amazing self-control and determination. You are careful to check out the ground before you take a step. If only people were more like you, then perhaps the world wouldn’t be suffering at the hand of idiots who think power over everyone else is the answer, when in-fact power over ourselves is the ultimate control. Self-control. What amazes me about it is, it exists within all of us, pretty much without exception I think. I have absolute patience in some matters and yet in others, I have none. I’m still a bit bamboozled by this actually, and I’m working on the whys and wherefores, but actually I think you tipped off it for me with another blog – re ‘I commit to love and respect myself from here to eternity’, and there are obvious patterns that when only I am affected, then self-control eludes me, but when it’s ‘for’ others, in any way, shape or form, no-one is more dependable. Anyway, I think you’re doing great so far, keep up the great work – and a few beers too many every now and then won’t be the end of you – you’re way past that now!

    Amanda 🙂

    • Wow Amanda! I love your insight on my posts!!!! Thanks for your flattering message, and yes, I think too that we should nurture the relationship with ourselves before embarking on any other… It is a tough task, and the process requires a lot of patience and conscious work but it’s attainable and it can be as beautiful as you set it out to be.
      Thanks for your kind words, comments like this help my journey become trascendental and makes me wanna keep going.
      Lots and lots of love!!!
      Erika

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