I deserve to be my best friend

Ok, so I had a lovely dinner on Friday here at home, but returned to bingeing… nothing over the top, nothing to keep me up at night, but it was a binge nonetheless. Whenever I host a dinner or party, I pressure myself to have everything as perfect as possible, and end up feeling stressed. But I don’t think that’s what led me to binge, though. We ordered pizza, a friend brought delicious (but highly caloric) butter cookies and drank wine. I drank moderately, had 2 pieces of pizza, but then came cookie time and I couldn’t help myself: I must have eaten like 10 little heavenly stress-relievers.

What caused it: Comparing myself to my slim friends; feeling “heavy”; worrying about pleasing everybody; feeling guilty for eating pizza and cookies for dinner; thinking about my legs looking too fat with the dress I was wearing; feeling un-pretty and overweight; feeling less next to some friends; not being kind enough to myself.

I felt badly after the binge, but not as bad as I have felt before, and I kept repeating in my head how this binge had been different and how I’m stronger now. It was a new post-binge feeling: barfing didn’t cross my mind (yay me!). The barfing thoughts are fading away slowly but definitely, and I like that, I know this time it’s not a provisional farewell, but a definite good bye.

Daily exercise is now out of the question, and I had intended to count my calories in order to lose weight but today I realized how that turns my ” deprivation button” on and triggers the unwanted binges. So instead, I will try eating more slowly, enjoying my food, consuming smaller portions and believing that whatever I eat will nurture, energize and benefit my body.

Instead of turning my negative affirmations into positive ones, I will make positive affirmations, so here they come:

  • I’m a morning person
  • I am smart and focused
  • I love myself unconditionally

Thanks for reading and thank all of you readers and bloggers who make my existence more meaningful.

Love, Erika.

 

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