Walking on a tightrope

It just happened again: I binged.

I fell asleep working on a client’s website, got disappointed when I woke up, realized I’m sick of it (I’ve been working on it for over a month) and headed to the kitchen with a green tea on mind (and a chocolate bar, and nutella, and cookies, and whatever I could find).I zoned out, realized I was doing it, but kept going still and what kept me going even further was the idea of puking it… I got really close to doing it, I saw myself doing it as I swallowed the flour and sugar relentlessly. Once again I didn’t do it but I keep turning to binges whenever I sense an awkward emotion coming up. Just yesterday I felt as cocky as hell, and was so sure that I was beyond relapses. This situation, that just happened minutes ago, makes me realize I’m walking on thin ice, and if I  am not extra careful, I will keep slipping until I fall, fall hard.

The binge included:

  • 5 whole wheat cookies
  • 1/2 a slice of walnut bread
  • 1 teaspoon of nutella
  • 1 dark chocolate amaranth bar

Last year I started attending Compulsive Eaters Anonymous meetings, and felt really good at first because I got to meet people who struggled with weight and food the same way I did, and got talked into giving flour and sugar up because I just “couldn’t handle it”. The concept seemed like a nightmare, but I agreed I was addicted to flour and sugar and cutting them out of my life seemed like a hard but perfect solution to my problems. My “abstinence” (as they referred to the sugar and flour withdrawal) lasted about a week and a half, and when I cheated, I would stuff my face with as much sugar or flour as I could. Obviously it wasn’t working and what kept me going was the sharing and relating to a group that seemed to have so much in common with me. What struck me the most was that every single one of the women who attended the meetings were obese or very overweight and led unhappy lives: living with their mothers at 40 years of age, struggling with self destructing habits and insecurities, suffering from isolation due to their “condition”, etc. I stopped attending the group as I realized it wasn’t helping much. Yesterday I remembered my meetings while running on the treadmill and realized how I was being hypnotized into believing that I would never have a healthy relationship with food and got caught up into it because it was easier than dealing with the actual issue behind the overeating.

I don’t think I have figured it out yet, but I believe I am getting closer. Writing about it is turning out to be a way of reminding me how much I want to leave this ED behind by changing my thoughts into positive ones and knowing I can lead a different life.

Thanks for reading

Love, Erika

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