Detaching from it…

This is a Bulimia recovery blog and sometimes I hate writing ugly or negative posts, but I must do it in order to consciously stop them next time and to keep this real.

I binged, I hadn’t binged like this in days. I have realized that whenever I feel “cured” or free from Bulimia, a binge comes back to let me know I’m not there yet. I’m not feeling as low as I have felt after binges before, but I do feel disappointed. I’ll go through the binge and then I’ll analyze it:

  • A zillion cookies
  • Cookie dough with icing (wtf?)
  • Chilaquiles drowned in sour cream
  • 1 egg and 2 spoons of cacao with splenda (it is a quick dessert recipe a friend showed me on Pinterest… it didn’t taste any good)

It had to do with the fact that I spent my morning at one of my not-so liked partner’s house (let’s call her Kat)… I could have prevented this situation but instead decided to sleep in a bit more, and go to work at her house 2 hours later.

There’s something about Kat’s house that makes me feel… depressed? Maybe that’s why she was nicknamed “Debbie Downer” by another friend of mine. Kat has been my friend the same time I’ve been bulimic (coincidence?). I’m not blaming it on her or anything, but it’s weird how she’s been around my life the same amount of time bulimia has. But it’s weird though, because I appreciate her a lot, I think she’s one of the only friends I fully trust, she’s not fake and she’s EXTREMELY loyal. She’s been to every single birthday celebration I’ve had since I entered college, she’s taken care of me like no other friend while partying or getting irresponsibly drunk has, she’s payed many of those tabs that result from the partying and whenever I need someone to talk to or to spend time with, she’s always there. She is an authentically good person BUT her biggest flaw is that she has a very negative energy most of the time. She’s usually focusing on what’s wrong in her life (or anybody’s) and isn’t shy about screaming it out into the world. She dwells on her negativity so she attracts negativity like a human magnet. I used to believe that she sucked my willingness to live after spending more than 3 hours listening to her complaints but over time, I have learned to ignore them. Well, in spite of knowing all of this about her, I partnered with her and 2 other friends to create a Design Firm… crazy, right? Well, I wasn’t thinking straight or at all but what’s done is done and now I must learn whatever lesson I haven’t learned all of this time from dealing with someone like her.

Talking about her makes me realize how my relationship with food/weight is parallel to the one with Kat. Even though I know how insecure overweight makes me feel, I keep eating irresponsibly, feeling badly about it, using my weight as an excuse for everything going wrong in my life, feeling guilty and then the cycle repeats itself.

So, on that note, I shall go to run on the treadmill and clear my head to keep trying to figure out how to stop tripping over the same stone over and over.

I’m not recovered yet, but I am enjoying the journey.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, Erika.

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One thought on “Detaching from it…

  1. I can really relate to your struggle. I know my trigger person is my mum, she has a way to get under my skin 😦
    The road to recovery is hard and long but you are on the right pass. All the best.

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