The perfect excuse

I had a small binge today. That will not define my entire day though, especially because today has been a good one.

I’ve had A WHOLE WEEK without binges (yay for me!) and was obviously feeling cocky and proud of myself… I even felt like giving advice to people who admit to have a problem with binging (ha, ha, ha). This isn’t the first time that happens to me but this isn’t the only reason I go back to binging either. I have come to realize how I always seem to find or look for the perfect excuse to stuff my face with fatty foods/eat my emotions binge, and it has become a habitual activity. But I see my relationship with food as a mirror of my relationship with life. I always have the perfect excuse to not do what I should be doing or to not achieve what I know I can achieve. My overweight is the perfect alibi to EVERYTHING that goes wrong in my life.

Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Because I’m overweight.

Why do I avoid going to the beach? Because I don’t look as I would like in a bikini.

Why don’t I go to the gym? Because my pants don’t fit as good as they did and I don’t want people staring at my unfit body.

Why is my self esteem low? Because I’m 22 pounds heavier than I should be.

Why don’t I dress better? Because only extra skinny girls can be fashionistas, curvy girls have to pick clothes that favor their figure.

Why do I feel inferior next to other chicks? Because no matter how their face looks, how their personality is, if they’re thinner than me, I instantly feel uglier or unworthy.

The list goes on and it seems like the root of all my “problems” are my weight and appearance. Why do I keep sabotaging myself by binging or eating irresponsibly then? I think the answer would be that I’m afraid of achieving my goal, and I have found comfort in being overweight because it represents an obvious reason to feel badly about myself and not having what I want. What happens if I finally shed the pounds and still find myself boyfriendless, with low self esteem, with fear of going into the gym, etc? Who or what will I blame then?!!?!?!

What I need to work on is in doing everything I’m supposed to do RIGHT NOW, not tomorrow, not 10, not 20 pounds later but NOW. That way, I will stop hiding behind food excuses and actually start living to the fullest. Binging is what I do out of familiarity and habit: it’s easy, it gives me instant pleasure and it keeps me overweigthly (yes, I just made up a word) safe and justified for living the way I do. Binging is easy! Dealing with emotions, hard work and fear is certainly not! That’s why I’ve been doing it for so long and why I refuse to take responsibility of my actions, hence my life.

This is me at my ideal weight( 26 pounds lighter), 7 years ago. Can you believe I didn’t feel good about myself? I would kill to look like that right now. But, this is proof that I have to work with my head and emotions, not so much with my body. (Sorry about the bad quality of the picture, I stole it from Facebook haha).

I’m gonna go work out now. No excuses for that.

Thanks for reading ๐Ÿ™‚

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6 thoughts on “The perfect excuse

  1. I think you look great now! It’s probably more to do with how you see yourself rather than how you actually look.
    ED do that to you, they make you see yourself as bigger than you are

    • aww thanks! I am ok with how I look, but my goal since like forever has been to have an awesome bikini bod. The pictures I posted were favorable ones… I have some pics in bikinis where I don’t look half good haha.

  2. Wow! You look good in your profile pic but that old shot is a knock-out. Don’t tell me you’re not gonna feel great when you reach your goal coz you’re gonna be on-top-of-the-frigging-world (please excuse the French).

    But you shouldn’t have to lose the weight to feel good about yourself. I would prefer you (and anyone else trying to do the same) lost the weight because you realise it’s the healthier option. Being thinner (and prettier if that is your perception of beauty) is the bonus that comes with achieving your goals.

    What’s more, if a guy just likes you for your looks then I need to break it to you now, those looks ain’t gonna last forever. Sorry. It’s a law of nature. We get old. And wrinkly. And less toned. And you now what. That’s OK! Because the guy should love you for “who you are” on the INSIDE. Your sense of humour. Your wit. Your conversation. Your charm. Your ideosyncracies. Your faults as well as your stunning beauty. Your a package and he can’t have one without the other.

    Geez. I’ve one a bit avent I?

    Anyway, all I really wanted to say was to point out the interesting but little known fact that Shakespeare invented several hundred words so you’re in good company ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Cheers. Kim*

    http://www.100days100ways.wordpress.com
    http://www.travelphotographyblog.wordpress.com

    • You are too sweet! Thanks a lot for your compliments!

      I am fully aware of that, but I think I give much importance to looks because that’s what I’ve been focusing for the last 7 years! It’s as if my life had revolved around being overweight, going to nutritionists, binging, barfing and doing it all over again. Even now I feel I haven’t overcome that cycle completely… I’m lost on what to do to breed the love from inside out!

  3. Erika, you’re absolutely stunning the weight you’re at now and, so long as you’re doing it the healthy way, losing weight and toning up can only help boost your self-esteem, confidence and overall wellbeing. I love how honest and open you are in your posts, it’s really refreshing. Keep up the good work.

    Also, I’ve done the post I said I would with my advice for you about gym anxiety. I hope it helps. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks a lot! I’m reading it right now!! you are way too sweet to be true haha. Thank you so much for your words, they mean the world to me!!!!!!

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