I had a small binge today. That will not define my entire day though, especially because today has been a good one.
I’ve had A WHOLE WEEK without binges (yay for me!) and was obviously feeling cocky and proud of myself… I even felt like giving advice to people who admit to have a problem with binging (ha, ha, ha). This isn’t the first time that happens to me but this isn’t the only reason I go back to binging either. I have come to realize how I always seem to find or look for the perfect excuse to
stuff my face with fatty foods/eat my emotions binge, and it has become a habitual activity. But I see my relationship with food as a mirror of my relationship with life. I always have the perfect excuse to not do what I should be doing or to not achieve what I know I can achieve. My overweight is the perfect alibi to EVERYTHING that goes wrong in my life.
Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Because I’m overweight.
Why do I avoid going to the beach? Because I don’t look as I would like in a bikini.
Why don’t I go to the gym? Because my pants don’t fit as good as they did and I don’t want people staring at my unfit body.
Why is my self esteem low? Because I’m 22 pounds heavier than I should be.
Why don’t I dress better? Because only extra skinny girls can be fashionistas, curvy girls have to pick clothes that favor their figure.
Why do I feel inferior next to other chicks? Because no matter how their face looks, how their personality is, if they’re thinner than me, I instantly feel uglier or unworthy.
The list goes on and it seems like the root of all my “problems” are my weight and appearance. Why do I keep sabotaging myself by binging or eating irresponsibly then? I think the answer would be that I’m afraid of achieving my goal, and I have found comfort in being overweight because it represents an obvious reason to feel badly about myself and not having what I want. What happens if I finally shed the pounds and still find myself boyfriendless, with low self esteem, with fear of going into the gym, etc? Who or what will I blame then?!!?!?!
What I need to work on is in doing everything I’m supposed to do RIGHT NOW, not tomorrow, not 10, not 20 pounds later but NOW. That way, I will stop hiding behind
food excuses and actually start living to the fullest. Binging is what I do out of familiarity and habit: it’s easy, it gives me instant pleasure and it keeps me overweigthly (yes, I just made up a word) safe and justified for living the way I do. Binging is easy! Dealing with emotions, hard work and fear is certainly not! That’s why I’ve been doing it for so long and why I refuse to take responsibility of my actions, hence my life.
This is me at my ideal weight( 26 pounds lighter), 7 years ago. Can you believe I didn’t feel good about myself? I would kill to look like that right now. But, this is proof that I have to work with my head and emotions, not so much with my body. (Sorry about the bad quality of the picture, I stole it from Facebook haha).
I’m gonna go work out now. No excuses for that.
Thanks for reading 🙂