It was supposed to be a good weekend, a great one!
I had plans for the whole weekend! Yesterday I didn’t go out, it was my little sister’s birthday and a bunch of her friends came over to drink and hang out before going to a karaoke bar. My sister’s boyfriend came over at midnight yesterday to bring her flowers and wish her happy birthday before anyone did. He also bought her favorite perfume and cooked her a delicious cake, he’s a really good boyfriend and all of us in the family love him. When I was younger, I got a little envious of my sister because she’s always been popular, she’s never struggled with weight or dating boys and has always had attractive girlfriends unlike me.
Highschool wasn’t a breeze to me, I didn’t feel attractive, I didn’t have boyfriends or dates, I always felt inferior and didn’t hang out with the “in” crowd. I constantly lived in fear: I feared recess because it meant going out and realizing I didn’t blend in with my classmates, I feared gym class because I wasn’t fit, fast or sporty, I feared going to parties because I didn’t have a boy to go with and my crushes were dating more attractive, confident or slutty girls. I wish I would have known about self love back then and how powerful the mind is, my thoughts led me to be fearful, insecure and shy. If I wouldn’t have had so many prejudices and overall shit in my head, I would have lived a happier adolescence. I wish for it because that way I wouldn’t have had to go through an ED in order for me to wake up and choose to love myself.
Now, back to present time. Whenever my sister’s friends are around, in my mind I think I MUST project an image of being mature, successful and confident… when in reality I think I don’t project any of those things. I sometimes feel like I should be hiding because I’m ashamed of myself: I have no boyfriend, no successful career, no hot body, no income and nothing to be admired for. I’ve always dreamed of being the big sister that my little sis and her friends would aspire to be. But I am not by any means someone to be admired. I think my only success has been graduating from college and THAT’S IT!
Now that I’m self employed I realize that I’m not fit to be working independently. Instead of looking for clients or working on our firm’s website, I choose to go through facebook, twitter, pinterest or any blog available. I wake up late and go to bed even later and I feel like I’m wasting my time every single day. The thing is, I want a job that really makes me happy, one that makes me wake up in the morning and say: I can’t wait to start working today, one that makes ME proud of myself, one that I believe in. I believe it’s out there but I have no clue how to find it. And, if the job is out there, I wonder if I’m fit for it…
If all of those fears and doubts weren’t enough, last night I dreamt about this chocolate cake a friend of my sister cooked for her birthday. I had tried it before and I must admit it’s the BEST chocolate cake i’ve ever tasted, the texture is perfect, the icing is exquisite and together it tastes like a little piece of heaven. In my old barfing days, I used to dream about my binges and the food involving them. If I knew the “forbidden” treats were around in my larder or fridge, I would feel as if they were looking at me, asking to be devoured. I hadn’t had dreams about food in the longest time, but yesterday I dreamt about me eating the whole cake by myself… I enjoyed it so much in my dream that when I woke up I wanted to eat it for breakfast. I didn’t but I did eat 4 or 6 slices after my sunny side up egg and tortilla. I ate it alone, so that no one would judge me or tell me how extremely sweet it is and how it isn’t as good as I say. My family knows how much I struggle with my weight so, naturally they are careful of my portions or my eating speed and don’t refrain to comment on it. Amongst many, that is one of the reasons why i choose to eat excessively or binge while being alone. I wouldn’t categorize this cake-eating as a binge, but I sure do feel as guilty and badly.
So, there you go, to be brutally honest:
I don’t like being self employed because I’m not an effective worker,
I feel ashamed of myself and sometimes envisioning my future frightens me
I am a little envious of my little sister
I don’t know if I’ll ever weigh 121 pounds (55 kg) again
I am scared to death to go out and look for a job
I’m scared of getting a job where I feel like my best years are being wasted in a miserable office
I hate being scared, but i constantly am
I hate not having a normal relationship with food and I hate being tormented by a cake sitting in my kitchen
I hate bitching and complaining
I wish my concerns were more important or relevant ones than weight or laziness