Ok, so, yesterday I celebrated a binge-free week but today I slipped up once again. This slip-up was different though: I didn’t beat myself up about it, I was kind, understanding, got over it and decided to write about it. The situations, feelings and emotions I can blame this binge to are infinite but the reality is that I chose to binge, no one forced me, pushed me or made me do it. As a person going through bulimia recovery I could be here, typing how this was all out of my control, how my life sucks and how disappointed of myself I am, but as an adult breeding self- love and self- growth I wanna be honest instead and STOP victimizing myself.
What lead me to seek comfort in food today?
- I’m sick of working on a client’s project that has been going on for months, it drains my energy, stresses me out, occupies my entire time and mind, it is not very design-related (it involves content download into a wordpress virtual shop) and I am tired of working on it. Besides, the client is not going to pay until it is finished (he is also like an uncle to me). So, not only have I been working on it since forever but I also haven’t received a dime since April, and my client, who trusts and estimates me, is not very satisfied. Yes, I could be working on other projects but the mere thought of not having this done and the pressure I have been putting myself under, has been stopping me from participating on other money making projects. (Victimization cycle of hell).
- My partners (and friends) either have been making money or have been receiving some from their wealthy parents, but the fact is that they have enough to eat every day of the week on a different restaurant. I have experienced becoming broke by spending my money on food, so I decided about a month ago that I would prepare something at home and eat it in the office (good for both my pocket and body). Today it was no exception, I brought food from home, they went out to eat at a Wings Army. Today they didn’t try to convince me to go along with them (as they have tried several times before and ended up unsuccessful) and they just left, leaving me alone in the office with my grilled chicken feeling sad and lonely. I have eaten in the office before but never alone and I didn’t enjoy it at all.
- To top it all, I couldn’t go to the gym today as I had planned because the dog walker was supposed to pick up my dogs and take them out for a stroll so I had to stay home to deliver them to him, besides my mom took the car with her.
- I had been incredibly sleepy and cranky since lunch time.
There you have it, Erika, FOUR detailed reasons to binge today and get back into the victim game.
As I said earlier, I didn’t feel as bad as I’ve felt before, after the binge. It was one hell of a weird binge (involving fried eggs, 2 tortillas, a quesadilla and a tea) and even though I knew I could and had to stop it, I didn’t feel like doing so. I also thought about my 20 years from now visualization and it didn’t stop me.
I really tried to analyze my behavior during this binge: I felt in control, powerful and didn’t care if I was eating 100, 200 or 30000 calories, I just ate as if nothing could harm, judge or touch me. Binging gives me a rush and eases me at the same time. I simply stop thinking. I feel that any food is “available” to me, and stop caring wether what I’m doing will sabotage my weight loss, set back my recovery or make me feel badly afterwards, all I care is about not caring. It is a very irresponsible behavior but it also seems to be a way of saying: I don’t care.
I am really trying to understand all of this and I’ve been doing a little research but my most important findings should come from my inner self because every person who has suffered or suffers from an ED has a different story and have different reasons to have fallen into it. Maybe writing about them is a passive way of dealing with it but it sure as hell is therapeutic. I read about A-B journaling in a blog where it says that journaling brings effective results if done between a loving positive inner voice (A) and a negative one (B). I don’t know if I fully understand that technique but I think I’m discovering how to apply it.
I didn’t work out today and my body is resenting my unwillingness for it but instead of exercising, I adapted a loving quote into a beautiful picture I took a while back.
So, yes, I did fall back again but managed to pick myself up proving that I’m only getting stronger.
I leave you with an image that kept me wondering (I found it while cyber-creeping on facebook haha).
We are some lucky people.
Lots of love, Erika.