The seek for perfection

Honesty, honesty with myself is what I need. As much as I wanna write upbeat posts and transmit inspiration, it becomes overwhelming and I end up feeling like a failure if I don’t become better each day to write about it here. No, I didn’t go to the office today, no I didn’t wake up early, no I did not work efficiently and no, I didn’t make wise choices throughout the day. I surfed the net, read every post update of each blog I follow, became inspired, then opened Facebook and the cyber creeping began, the comparing to others, the dreaming, the wishing (to travel to NY, to wear a bikini and look like that,ย to have an apparently perfect boyfriend, to have a baby everyone flatters, to look as I’m supposed to look, wow everybody and be proud of myself, to be the person I know I can be ). I had no binges today, only irresponsible eating.

I had a very vivid dream, I was watching a video of 17 year old Erika, the day of my Highschool Graduation Meal and I looked perfect and happy, but I really wasn’t even though I had every reason to be. (I’m the one on the far left wearing the pink striped sweater). I wanna fit in that sweater again so much that I haven’t gotten rid of it.

That year I had a very important physical transformation, let’s say I had been feeling all through highschool like a caterpillar and that year I bloomed into a butterfly haha. I had lost about 6 pounds, looked my best (weight wise) and had a nose job which gave me a sudden self confidence.

I was in the dance workshop which consisted of 6 girls and we used to practice on every recess; as far as I can remember, those recess were the only ones I looked forward to having (I did not enjoy “regular” recess with no dancing involved) so that year I enjoyed myself immensely. We practiced because our choreographies were gonna be featured in a play by the end of the year. I loved being onstage and that year in particular I used to constantly visualize myself dancing like no other year in front of the whole school, I imagined myself having a killer body and dancing like I ย had never danced before. Well, that year I proved the law of attraction really worked because my participation in the school play was 100 times better than any of my wildest visualizations. My dancing caused so much commotion, I got nicknamed “The Revelation” (assuming nobody knew me by face or name before that, they decided to give me a nickname) and people whom I had never seen in my life were giving me compliments on my dancing and my physique, they thought I was hot. I watched my performance on tape and to be honest, I wasn’t that good! haha, I looked kind of stiff and nervous because I didn’t know how to handle the sudden interest drawn to me. The number we performed was such a hit, they even asked us to do it off the play on a different stage. One of my crushes (who was in College at that time) had investigated my name and approached me to tell me how goodย I was. Even after the play and the number had finished, some sophomore students asked to take a picture with me!!! I felt perfect for the first time in Highschool.

I don’t remember many things about my past, but I remember this moment as if it happened yesterday and I think I’ve been stuck in that moment for a while now, longing to be noticed in that way again. The main problem is, that I ended up associating my weight and my dancing skills to approval and admiration.

I also remember gaining weight after that and seeing the reaction of my friends and family. I vividly remember one of my uncles indirectly calling me fat, one of my friends telling me to go back to my Highschool weight in order for him to take me to alumni parties, my spinning teacher looking surprised, and how I felt disappointed for having gained so much weight. My shining moment was then, ephemeral.

What I’m trying to get to the bottom of, is why I acted the way I did when I gained weight and became bulimic, and why I can’t get 100% rid of that behavior. That girl who used to hurt herself, not accept and not love herself is still in here somewhere and I think the food and the extra weight feed her all the love, respect and acceptance she needs. Does that sound too crazy? Is this another way to sugarcoat excuses to behave the way I did today? I don’t know.

But what I do know is that writing this took a weight off my shoulders and made me feel relieved.

I’m even up for going on a treadmill run.

๐Ÿ™‚

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12 thoughts on “The seek for perfection

  1. you should not fee like you have to write only upbeat posts. Recovery is a hard and long process and documenting your battles along the way will help you.
    It’s great that you have such fond memories, maybe you should try getting into dancing again ๐Ÿ™‚ Find a way to express yourself again.
    I don’t think it’s crazy that food is such a confort for you. A lot of people feel that way me included. I need to remin myself sometimes that chocolate and cheese are not a blanket of love.
    And those people you copare yourself too also have their own insecurities and problems. I’m sure a lot of people look at you and envy you too without realizing what you are going through. Plus most people show the best version of themselves online
    Sorry about the wuper long comment lol I just felt like giving you a big hug and remind you that you are awesome and you will be ok

    • Don’t excuse yourself !! I love long comments! Especially the insightful ones ;). “Blanket of love”: what a beautiful and realistic way to put what food has been to me! The thing is, I haven’t found a substitute for this blanket that apparently keeps me warm and safe. I’ve attempted going back to dancing, I just haven’t found a way to stick to it, so now I’m looking to teach dancing lessons.
      I totally agree with you on the falseness displayed online, but it still gets me and I end up buying into it!
      Thank you for the hug! I feel and appreciate your love and support, Hรฉlรจne ๐Ÿ™‚ !!!!!

  2. Now, that is a perfect post. You are a beautiful person with so many gifts to share. Please send me your address via my contact form so I can send you Rolf Gates’ book. ๐Ÿ˜Š

    Fondly,

    Lisa

  3. Definitely be real! Upbeat posts ALL the time are kinda annoying. It’s like “is there a robot behind that computer or what?” I like to write happier when I can because I know there will be times where my posts won’t be happy at all. I am so glad you have that moment in high school to reflect on…but what triggered the weight gain? Is it because you felt really comfortable about yourself that you did not worry about what you ate? Is it because of stress? And I definitely agree you should find a way to dance more. =D

    • Hahahaha, i hadn’t seen it that way haha, but yeah, I need to be real! Real and honest with myself mainly!
      That’s a good question… what triggered the weight gain?… I think my bulimia did, and then I started eating compulsively. I think it was the fear of gaining weight what made me gain it! I got stressed, I thought my only asset would be my body, and it was never enough, I wasn’t fit enough, hot enough. I sometimes think it is a blessing (my weight gain) because I’m learning so much with it, I needed to love myself regardless of how I looked or how much I weighed… Other times I wish I could have stayed that thin! But I think everything happens for a reason so I’ve embraced my situation and am now willing to change it.
      I’ll keep you posted about my dancing ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • I feel the same way about my weight gain… a lot of people told me I needed to watch myself… but I never listened… I just needed to decide things for myself… I needed this journey.

        And yes please do!! =D

  4. Lisa just reminded me of what I meant to ask you – as I was in the sea the other day splashing around, I thought about a book I have called “When I loved myself enough” and then thought of you. It’s the type of book that when you feel down or you’re in a cycle of beating yourself up, you just pick up the book and read a few pages and it can help. I thought it might help you as it helped me, would you like me to send it you when I get home?

  5. I’ve felt like I’ve had to be happy for most of my life too, but in the last couple years I’ve discovered that even my brokenness can be beautiful when I embrace it and grow from it. It is wonderful always to know we are not alone in our journey and what we feel others do too at times. It helps make life better. Thank you for your honesty. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Blessings to you, Erin, Bella Bleue

    • No, thank you for reading my brutal honesty haha. I knooow! Being aware that I’m not alone in this journey is helping me in unimaginable ways! ๐Ÿ™‚ I think our brokenness makes us special because it’s ours and realizing that, contributes to self love immensely!
      Blessings back to you, Bella Blue ๐Ÿ˜‰

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