Binging is the symptom, not the problem

I taped a documentary on Discovery Home and Health on Eating Disorders and got some really interesting and useful information about Bulimia that I’m going to quickly mention here, cause it’s 1:45 am and I need to sleep or else I’ll be a zombie the whole day.

  • Bulimia has been the language I’ve used for 7 years, so I have to learn a new one. Instead of dealing with my problems, I am used to keep them to myself and “solve” them through binging (and purging).
  • How I deal with my problems is critical. Usually I just keep everything to myself and pretend that everything is ok, I avoid confrontation.
  • All of us who are going or have gone through Bulimia usually feel anger, self- disappointment , have a hard time setting boundaries, are very critical of ourselves, have thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, beat ourselves up and become easily depressed. 
  • Being critical within myself affects my life  and the people around me; I need to be healthy within myself .
  • We binge and purge to cope with feelings of shame, anger and disappointment.

I sometimes get really scared of thoughts that take over my mind: lessening thoughts, suicidal thoughts, fatalist thoughts (I’m sorry if you don’t like reading this, dear brother, but I really need to document everything so I can really be thorough in this diary of mine). On Tuesday night I had a dream where I wanted to kill myself, and that thought has been on the back of my mind ever since. This is not the first time I think stuff like that but what worries me is that I feel like it would be a way out of my problems. I get so tired of sabotaging myself so much mentally and by repeating self-destructing actions, that I feel that if I just vanished, it would all be better. For the record, I have never attempted any suicidal actions, I just think about it. I’ve caught myself enjoying feeling victimized, and I think dying would be my ultimate and most extreme situation of victimization. I usually imagine my whole family and friends crying over my death and wondering why I ended up doing that, what lead me to do it!

Now, what are my motives when I think about dying? Mainly and generally:

  1. I have absolutely no clue of what I want for myself in the future (career wise, sentimental wise and life-in-general-wise).
  2. I am terrrrrrified of getting old, wrinkly and develop a slow metabolism.
  3. I keep visualizing myself in the perfect body, but don’t do anything to achieve it, I am stuck in an awful vicious cycle of not working out, binging, guilt trips and feeling badly about not working out and binging and doing it all over again.
  4. I get disappointed about people and how the world works, full of corruption, hatred, greed, disrespect, war, filth, etc.
  5. I don’t think I have any special talents, like award-winning, money-making, going viral kind of talents. I feel like an average person.
  6. I keep struggling with the same things I’ve been struggling for a long long time.
  7. I am scared of growing old and not have achieved any important or relevant things in my life.
  8. I am frustrated that I’m not the person I thought I would be at 24-25 when I was 16 years old.
  9. I see myself as a weak person, who is afraid of many things, gets easily distracted, doesn’t cope effectively with rejection/failure, can’t stand up for herself, is easily influenced, doesn’t really know what she wants, pleases people and loses herself in the process.
  10. Whenever this awful voice takes over me, I can’t seem to quiet it down. The voice comes along with an overwhelming feeling that knocks me down and makes it impossible for me to stop doing self-destructing actions.
  11. I am terrified of saying things that will create any kind of suffering, conflict or confrontation, so I choose to keep things to myself and just smile.

I know that the core issue is keeping things to myself because everything that remains silent, only creates a louder and bigger turmoil inside me… When I can no longer take it, I either eat it or explode!!!

I wonder if every person who¡s gone through an ED has fatal thoughts just as mine, is it normal?

My question is: Is there a healthy way to cope with fear, anger, confrontation and disappointment?

I’m going to find out. I wrote this post feeling much calmer and ready to talk about it. I think that by finding out more about the issue, I’m beginning to find the roots of it. I’ll go to sleep with a different mindset than that I had hours ago.

Thank you for reading!!!

Love, Erika

PS: It’s 3am now, but I think this post was worth sleeping in late for. (definitely more worthy than staying awake cyber creeping people over facebook haha).

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8 thoughts on “Binging is the symptom, not the problem

  1. I can definitely identify with unhealthy coping mechanisms for my feelings of shame and disappointment. I don’t have fatalistic thoughts, but I have an amazing outlet: running and kickboxing. It clears the mind and gets the aggression out somehow.

    • Yeah, I find running pretty therapeutic too! Kickboxing I used to practice but haven’t found my way back to it since I changed to a different gym. I’ll try to go back to it because now that u mention it, I used to find it very therapeutic too :).

  2. Hope you got a good night sleep after all that lol
    If it is any comfort I really recognized myself in what you wrote (or at least the old me). I used to have the same suicidal thoughts and in a weird way enjoy victimization. I felt like it was the only way I would get attention.
    Maybe you should try seeing a therapist or a counselor? Someone you could speak too about all those feelings and who could help you deal with them?
    It is extremely hard to develop a new way to deal with your emotions when you spent so long hiding behind food and binges.
    Remember that there is only one of you, you are a beautiful and amazing person in your own right and deserve to love yourself just the way you are now

    • Right now I can’t afford a therapist, and i have been trough therapy before but I don’t think I was ready to recover back then, so I found it kind of useless. Now it’s a different story but I agree I should talk to someone about my fatalistic thinking, it scares me a lot. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not crazy or anything!!!!!

      • No you’re definively not haha and I used to feel the same…
        Counseling when you;re not ready IS useless.. I went through it too.. I was very lucky to have access to free counseling sessions here which helped me a lot with the last part of my recovery..
        Writing a blog is very therapeutic though

  3. I struggle with fatalistic and suicidal thoughts. Although it has never had a name, I suppose I have also enjoyed victimization. I tend, also, to think about my death and how my family and friends would react. I think mine is as a result of my eating disorder. My disorder has always been about hiding. I think that my fantasizing about being a victim is an expression of how I want attention, bu refuse to allow myself to have it.

    I have really enjoyed reading this post, especially your notes about bulimia being a language. Thanks!

    • Thank you for this comment; knowing that other girls go through similar fatalistic thoughts, helps a lot. HIDING, I do that all the time, and by sharing your insight on refusing to allow yourself to have it, u help me realize I go through the same.
      I plan to keep watching the series of episodes concerning ED’s, and I will be posting any useful information here. The more we are aware of what causes the binging and purging, the closer we will get to beating the problem.
      Thanks for reading and commenting, the mere fact of helping each other out, makes blogging way more significant!!

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