Today, my soon-to-be-bride-girlfriend asked us to go along with her and choose a fabric for the bridesmaids’ dresses. I went with one of my closest friends whose personality is extremely… strong I would say. I get along with her perfectly, we laugh a lot and always have a great time while being together. The thing is, she is very opinionated, loud and extremely critical of other people. Whenever I’m with her, I criticize as much as she does, make fun of others and desperately try to make her laugh at other people’s expense. I can be really mean and critical if I want to, but I try not to because I don’t feel really comfortable being like that, I prefer spreading love. She is so opinionated, I avoid telling many things about myself to her. I truly believe that the way someone talks about other people with you is the same way that person talks about you with other people. So, probably my friend talks badly about me with other people, too. That leads me to the next scene. We both then went to grab a bite to a coffee shop where she wanted to eat some breakfast and I was originally going to drink a big pot of tea. But, I got hungry and was going to order something healthy from the menu. I was ready to order a plate of fruit until my friend ruthlessly criticized some skinny girl sitting next to us who had ordered just that. So I ended up ordering a biscuit with strawberry marmalade. I did it in order for her not to criticize ME. This has happened to me many many times before. I must stop caring about what others think and concentrate on what’s best for me without doubt or hesitation. Pleasing others activity no. 1: Ordering a biscuit in order not to be criticized, talking badly about other people.
At the same coffeeshop I tried to ignore my desire to go to the loo because it involved walking amongst people who would judge me or, even worst, ignore the sight of me. To me, there is nothing worse than walking by and going unnoticed. I wish I were one of those girls who stand up off their seats and make heads turn. I definitely reflect insecurity when I walk, so I must keep working hard on my self-confidence. Pleasing others activity no. 2: Avoiding, for a long while, walking to the bathroom.
My parents had some friends coming over to eat and I decided to eat on my own later because I feel ashamed to show myself off in the curent weight I am in. So, I went to my room, slept for 2 hours, then woke up hungry as hell and went down to the kitchen to eat a whole lotta food. I wasn’t even successful hiding from my parents’ friends, so my plan turned out to be a big failure. Pleasing others activity no. 3: Skipping meals in order to not be seen and/or judged.
I give way too much power to what everybody else thinks. Due to that, I don’t really know who I am or what I want. I have dedicated to please everybody but myself, so obviously now I don’t know what I want for myself.
I discovered an amazing tumblr through Pinterest that talks about binge eating and lists several ways to avoid it or stop it from happening. I found it extremely useful and powerful, you can check it out here .