My ongoing mind

I didn’t have a traumatic childhood, I don’t have abusive parents, I didn’t suffer any type of physical abuse, yet I became a bulimic.

I don’t know which void within me food tries to fill. It may be an idea I have carved in my brain, or an excuse to keep eating without thinking of the consequences, but what I do know, is that food is on my mind more than I would want it to be.

The fact here is: I love food, I think about it, dream about it and obsess over it constantly. My first day without a binge (this Wednesday), I dreamt that I hid for days in an stranger’s attic, stealing food from them and eating it all alone. If it has gone into my subconscious, it is gonna be harder to get rid of this idea than I thought. BUT, everything is possible, this is only a mere challenge I have accepted and I know I will be triumphant.

I felt like writing because I didn’t binge today, but yesterday I did drank two (sugar-filled) mojitos and felt guilty as hell. Maybe that’s why I ended up coming home and eating one too many cookies with avocado and philadelphia cheese. Guilt triggered the binge. It also had a lot to do with the fact that I ended up going out last night without really wanting to, I gave into peer pressure. I am weird like that, I am more of a staying-at home kind of person, not so much of a party animal. But when I go out, I end up having a blast. The calories that come from alcohol are the ones that make me feel most guilty because I know I can avoid alcoholic beverages without problem.

Even though I didn’t binge, I craved chocolate like crazy about an hour ago. I found an extremely quick and easy recipe to prepare a small molten-chocolate cake (damn you Pinterest!) and whenever I feel like eating something chocolate-y, I prepare it. It only consists of mixing 2 unsweetened cocoa spoons, 1 egg, about 3 spoonfuls of sugar, 1 minute in the oven and voilá! you have a mini molten homemade cake. Today I prepared 2 of those for myself and ate them along with 5 strawberries. I don’t consider it to have been a binge, but I don’t exactly feel good (or proud) either.

So, I did it, I ate those things that won’t exactly contribute to my losing weight goal, but they’re not something to dwell over for days or hours anymore.

From now on I won’t look in the mirror and tell myself how the noticeable overweight is a product of my irresponsible eating. I won’t think about food as something that dominates me, or makes me fat, or makes me anxious. I’m gonna think about food as something that’ll nurture and energize me. I will stop caring about what others may think about my weight or my eating habits. I will savor every bite I eat, I will sit down and make eating a ritual, not an automatic action or a response to anxiety or as an escape route.

This is a training I am going through and I must be patient.


8 thoughts on “My ongoing mind

  1. Beautiful Erika: Just a quick note on binging and chocolate (where I’ve been a lot)…check out when you have a chance for some of the best tasting – and healthy! – dessert recipes ever. I’ve written about her on lifeyum (see Ode to Chocolate Covered Katie and Sweets for a Friend) as her Fudge Babies are a family favorite. Raw, vegan, usually gluten-free, and low glycemic — you can eat these and know that you’re satisfying the need for chocolate (which is real!) and keeping your body in more of an alkaline pH environment.

    Also, the best book on nourishing your body and feeling great: Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr. You don’t have to go fully in her vegan camp, but she teaches the principles of truly living in a fun, non-judgmental way.

    • I’m loving Katie’s site!!! Thanks a lot for the recommendation!
      I found out about Kris Carr thanks to you! Now that you’ve told me about her book, I know I have to buy it, then! Thank you so much for the support and the tips.
      PS: I’m loooooving “Meditations from the mat”, I’m forever thankful for receiving it from you 🙂

      • Oh my, Erika, I’m losing my mind (memory, at least) — you connected me with that fabulous interview with Kris Carr a few weeks ago…of course you know about her! I’m not sleeping enough. 🙂 I’m so glad that you are finding some peace with Rolf Gates’ wonderful book…you’ll have to check out his retreats (that’s on my list — it’s in Mexico!). I’m starting a kid power yoga training with his wife Mariam soon, too.
        Love, Lisa

  2. ED are illnesses. They sometimes are a reaction to abuse but they can also just start in people for no reason. Sadly 😦
    I’m glad you are trying to get rid pf the guilt! Because guilt is a negative emotions, and negative emotions are triggering.
    As for the cakes, just think of them as a treat 😉
    I find drinking is bad because it not only increases your appetite but it also decreases your mental inhibitions. For a bulimic it’s a bad combination 😦
    Anyhow, with the support of your mum and your inner strength I know you can do this

    • I know I can do it, too, Hélène, but guilt is a constant in my food intake :S. It has been for many years, I’m still working on that :). Thanks for your unconditional support!

  3. Definitely try to get rid of the guilt! Giving in and having a few “bad things” is way better than torturing yourself with guilt and having even more “bad things.” That’s just a vicious cycle. I used to eat like one bad dessert, and then starve myself the next day, which made me sick… and just caused me to overeat the next day. Once you conquer that guilt, it really makes things easier.

    • Thanks for the advise, Cassy! Guilt is a terrible thing, and it definitely defines my eating behavior later on… I’m just so scared to indulge because I keep reading how losing weight is 90% what you eat, 10% exercise! I need to get rid of it, I’m working on it.

      • Yeah but it is 90% of what you eat most of the time. . You are supposed to have cheat days here and there… that kind of kick up your metabolism. So it’s pointless to feel guilty about it because there is nothing to feel guilty about!

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