My love-HATE relationship with food and myself

I read on a post written by Mastin Kipp that anger is accumulated sadness.

Yesterday I fought really badly with my little sister. I snapped and screamed my lungs out to her. She made a comment about how she doesn’t like when I wear her clothes. Reason enough for me to flip out. I think this has to do with the fact that she once told me I make her clothes bigger when I wear them. She’s a lot smaller than me and those comments really get to me. Weight is still a sore issue to me.

I’ve been trying to do the love rituals and I know I have been working on self-love a lot more, but I can’t seem to accept my body the way it is. I wanna be skinny, I want it so badly it hurts. I also hate loving food so much, I am sick of that fact defining me and I’ve become more aware of it recently. I can’t seem to leave a single leftover on my plate, I must eat the whole dish and, if possible, eat more afterwards. I don’t think my satiety levels are normal because no matter how much I eat, I never seem to get full. I really wanna stop loving food as much as I do, I wanna be proud of my body and stop being afraid of wearing a bikini, a skirt, leggings or any revealing piece of clothes. I want to be able to choose clothes because I like them, not because they flatter my body. I am sick of not loving my body, and it frustrates me to have days like these, where I wish I were someone else, someone who has no muffin-top or cellulite. I wish I were less superficial to stop caring about my overweight. I wish I stopped comparing myself to others constantly.

But what I wish the most, is to love my body enough for me to stop using it as excuse of not being good enough in every area of my life.

I also wish I didn’t think about food and my weight as much as I do.

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22 thoughts on “My love-HATE relationship with food and myself

  1. Sorry you feel this way Erika. While I don’t have professional expertise, I can offer a little knowledge considering I obsess about weight as well.
    You have to constantly create a mindset of healthy and not just skinny…some girls will always be skinny whether they eat a lot or not…some of us will never be a size zero and that’s the truth. You have to accept your body for what it is now…learn to love it daily…reassure and constantly remind yourself if you have to…while doing this start taking measures to become healthier…not skinny…healthier…
    Eat but eat right and well..small portions more frequently…set goals a little at a time…stay positive and focus…don’t lose weight for clothes or size…make healthy eating and living a lifestyle.

    Embrace yourself size 0 or not…if you don’t others won’t. One day at a time…find healthy foods you love and know you can eat…stay busy and do exercises you can keep up with. Remain active and beautiful inside where it matters most and out…if you feel great inside, it will radiate outside.

    Sending hugs and love…if ever you need to talk, shoot me an email – boomiebol@yahoo.com. Remember you are beautiful!!!

    • Boomie, you are amazing. This words are invaluable, but not as much as the support they bring :). I use this blog to vent, sometimes I think I do it as a cry for help, but mainly it helps me realize how my negative self works. After writing this, I felt so much better, but reading your response really meant the world to me.
      I am going through a training of the mind, I think, I am trying to stop thinking that food controls me, I’m also trying to stop listening to my ego.

      I’m gonna take your word and write you when I’m feeling badly. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! You don’t know how grateful I am to have you as a follower ;).

      Lots of love, dear Boomie.

      • Better greater days are ahead you will see, and glad you feel better. Arent we fortunate we get to write and release our emotions :).

        A pleasure following you. Big hugs. Have a wonderful and blessed August.

        Love Much

  2. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: you are beautiful. These are not empty words. I’m being honest. I just don’t think you see it. And that’s fair enough. We do look at ourselves and judge harshly. Remembering any negative comments made by others before (read siblings or parents especially).

    A big factor is acceptance of who we are. Our bodies are just a shell and who we are deep down inside should be what defines us. Unfortunately, society teaches us otherwise. We are made to feel inadequate and sub-standard no matter what our size, shape, height, colour, race, religion or appearance. Regardless of what we do, we will never be good enough.

    That’s why it’s do important to accept what we have. Not in the sense that we can’t and shouldn’t change it. But knowing that the way we “look” is not important.

    Now having said that, I do strongly advocate healthy diet and exercise. I wasn’t always so focussed, Having gone off the rails myself until 5 months ago. But I realise now that putting so much energy into “trying” to eat right shouldn’t be so hard.

    What I’ve learned is that there will be many times we slip up, eat the wrong thing, not exercise enough. But if you’re able to kick the sugar-habit then you will be surprised at how easy it is to control your weight.

    I know you know this but it deserves repeating. Our bodies have a built-in mechanism to recognise calories consumed. Yes, we may still over-indulge. I do it myself occasionally. But fructose is the one type of food that by-passes our appetite suppression. And once consumed it very quickly becomes body fat.

    Fat, protein, and all other carbohydrates (including other sugars) count towards our feeling of satiation. But NOT fructose.

    The consumption of fat is not the reason people are over-weight. Sugar, specifically fructose, is. Sucrose (the white stuff we have all come to love and therefore hate) is half-fructose and half-glucose.

    But I would encourage you NOT to think about dieting or weight-loss but instead healthy food choices. The only two rules I follow are:

    1. avoid fructose sugar unless it comes packaged in it’s own skin i.e. fruit
    2. avoid polyunsaturated fats i.e. margarine

    That’s it. I eat butter. Drink full-cream milk. Consume carbs and protein and fat without a second thought. Only sugar is taboo. And even then it can’t be removed completely from the diet because it’s in everything we eat these days. But I still try to select those foods without where possible.

    I love food too. That’s why I enjoy thi so muchs. Because you can keep eating. It’s OK.

    I realise you’ve tried giving up sugar before and I know it’s hard because I got hooked again the first time I tried about a year ago.

    But I gave it another shot and haven’t looked back since.

    Was it easy? No. It takes some degree of willpower and determination, at least initially. But once you remove the sugar cravings it becomes a lot easier. It’s like those foods no longer control you: soft drink, fruit juice, chocolate, ice cream, dessert, biscuits.

    But does that mean you can never eat them again? Hell no! But what I suggest is finding fructose-free recipes. Because remember, other types of sugar are OK. So you can eat cake and muffins and ice cream and biscuits. You will just want to make them without regular sugar.

    In the meantime, I would love to see you relax about the whole process. If you never lose weight I will still think you’re gorgeous. And you should to. And hopefully, over time, by eating right (not dieting) your body will adjust to a more normal weight.

    Take care and I look forward to your reply. Sorry if I’ve ranted on a bit. Take care and much love. Kim*

    http://www.100days100ways.wordpress.com

    • Don’t apologize, Kim!!! Rant away ;). Oh my, do I judge myself harshly! Yes, I have not been successful with the sugar intake reduction… :/.
      Thanks for the compliments, really, you make me blush haha.
      I am doing much better today, there are just some days when everything seems to go wrong, and I had been having some of those…yesterday it all blew off!!!

      I have to re-read your reply comment, I appreciate you taking the time to give me your word of advice and sharing your wisdom with me :D.

      I think the problem with me is that when I see things’ll get hard, I tend to break. I have to be more resilient!!

      Thank you so much for your support, it really means the world to me :). And I am so happy I started the blog because it has led me to people like you.

      Lots of love all the way to Japan 😉

      • Thanks Erika. I do get carried away at times. Although I also find it hard to balance saying too little and saying too much. Advice is a two-edged sword. And I try not to preach. Really 😉

        As a matter of fact, after writing the first reply of mine I went back and re-read your entire blog from start to finish. Why? That will make more sense to you next week.

        But I realised that I was trying to provide you with all the answers without completely understanding where you have been and the path you have travelled.

        Hopefully, by spending the time to read all your posts, I can be of greater assistance. If nothing else, I just want to support you better.

        In the meantime, take care. Kim*

    • Kim I stumbled upon your reply while reading Erika’s post and I couldn’t help but checking your blog, a side effect I developed since I started blogging; I read more :), and I have to say I’m impressed by the progress you’ve made and congrats on being a heartbeat away from your ideal goal; 70 kgs.
      I hope you find the time to check out what I’m about to share with you, the main motivator for me to reply was that your choices in food raised my eye brows, I don’t want to sound the doctor here but I know you know best what’s good for you however polyunsaturated fats are not the enemy, on the contrary they’re our buddies when it comes to fat, as a matter of fact they help your body kick out the unhealthy fats presented primarily in LDL and cholesterol.
      Second of which, fructose again is not the enemy, unless we’re talking about high fructose corn syrup contained in soda, truth is it doesn’t lead to the known effect of sugar which is insulin spikes leading to energy crashes and what have you. Glucose is the condemned however, it’s the simplest types of sugars leading to direct insulin spikes driving the sugar in the blood stream into cells, mainly fat cells after the glycogen storage of muscle and liver cells are restored.
      Again I know you know what’s best for you and your theory is supported by actual evidence of weight loss but I felt I was obliged to clear those points up. Check out this article I stumbled upon while writing this http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fat/NU00262/

      • Thank you for your reply. I can understand your interest and concern. And I understand where you’re coming from.

        Perhaps my own reply was a little simplistic. That’s why I prefer to direct people to the two books “Sweet Poison” and “Big Fat Lies”. I am neither the author nor do I receive any “kickbacks” from book sales etc.

        But I am a “convert” so-to-speak.

        So with this in mind I think you underestimate the potential health threats of fructose. And I would be interested to hear what you have to say once you’ve read the first book.

        Essentially, it argues that fructose is largely the culprit for the obesity epidemic. I know it sounds all too easy to blame one small dietary component and there are certainly many psychological factors at play for many people as well but my experience is that by eliminating it as much as reasonably possible I have not only lost but kept the weight off. Of course, this could be due to a number of factors, but the logic presented in the book makes sense to me.

        Mind you, the author is not suggesting we give up eating fructose altogether but rather it needs to come packaged as nature intended: with it’s skin still on.

        Examples where this is not the case is sucrose (half fructose, half glucose) and products using fruit juice. Honey falls under this category too.

        As for fat. I disagree strongly that saturated fats and cholesterol are the culprits they’re made out to be. I think they’ve both become the scape-goats where in fact manufactured polyunsaturated fats (and of course trans fats) are the real dangers.

        The second book, mentioned above, explains this in detail. And I see no reason to disagree with the logic found between those pages.

        Again, my dietary changes such as eating butter instead of margarine and returning to full-cream milk, as well as eating more eggs, should have theoretically increased my cholesterol but the opposite is true. Go figure!

        Again, I would be interested to hear your opinions after reading that book too.

        But I do thank you for your response. I don’t suggest for a moment that I have all the answers but I feel confident that the few dietary changes I have made will result in markedly improved health and nutrition.

        Regards. Kim*

      • I’d be interested to know more about those theories from the books you suggested. Truth of a matter this is the first time that my foundation about nutrition is being challenged and I assure you that I’ve acquired such foundation not only from reading but rather from studying being a medical school graduate so you could relate to why I’m surprised at what you’re suggesting. Can’t wait to put my hands on those books after I finish the one in my hand. For the time being I’ll be a very interested follower for your blog to get more perspective about your nutritional and workout plan! Talk soon!

  3. Erika, I understand your need to unwind and write about your feeling, it is so liberating to be able to do so. And I also understand how hard it can be to hear things like that from a family member. They might not even have meant it but to us it stings like crazy.
    The other two comments are right. Instead on focusing on being skinny, focus on being healthy.
    Binging, purging, putting yourself down etc are not healthy behavior. I know, I’ve been there and still feel that way too sometimes.
    Find people you admire, and find beautiful, that are similar to you. And then open your eyes and see how beautiful and wonderful you are.
    Appearance is not everything, but being confident makes you more beautiful.
    I still don’t like my cellulite, but knowing that I eat healthy most of the time, and that when I eat more one day my body wants less the next, makes me confident that I have found the right place for me. Also, exercising on a regular basis gives me more confidence. When you realize your body is capable of more than you thought and that you are making progress, you can start loving it more.
    Plus it doesn’t hurt that it helps shaping it 😉
    So instead of wanting to be skinny, FOCUS ON BEING HEALTHY and your body will naturally find its place.
    And remember that when you’re old and wrinkly, looking back you want to remember good times and fun rather than having held yourself back because of what will appear t you as silly body image issues.

    • Dear Hélène, your words are as true as they get. I think this kind of days still haunt me… fortunately they are happening less frequently and I’m glad.
      You’re right, maybe our loved ones don’t even know what a mere comment can do to our messed-up heads (well, mine at least, I won’t include you), but I need to learn how to cope with those comments, instead of beating myself up for them.

      As always, I can’t thank you enough. You are one of my biggest supporters. I’ll be thankful forever and ever.
      Love, dear Hélène.

  4. I’m sorry you feel the way I do, I don’t have any professional input on this but I think what is most important is that you think about the things that you do love about yourself. Put those first. Then of course try to live as healthy as possible but it’s absolutely okay to indulge.

    I’m personally lucky to be skinny and to be able to eat as much as I want (basically). And I do eat a lot lately. Of course I have days when I feel “thick” (/bloated…) at times but that’s normal My mother on the other hand always says: “I gain weight as soon as I look at food”.

    What is important though is that she is healthy. It takes a lot of self-control to work on yourself but the biggest step is loving yourself. That’s what I have learned from her. She also told me that it comforts her to know that there is a part of her body that she is really proud of (could be anything) and she knows that those really thin girls (for example) always have something to hide, too.

    Finally an idea that seems to work well for people is portion control and smaller meals. I need to eat every two hours on some days but if I don’t have too much junk lying around I’ll be happy with a glass of water, some veggies and perhaps a few crackers. This is because I know that I will be the biggest consumer of chocolates and fatty stuff which just isn’t any good.

    If you try and live healthy (one step at a time!) it will make yourself a lot healthier than those lucky people who are skinny and just don’t care. You will do something great for yourself.

    Sendig you love and hugs!

    • Thanks a lot for your advise, Anna!

      I know, the loving myself part is really being hard, but I think I’m getting there. I have tried small portions, but I can’t seem to stop indulging! I love eating so much, but I don’t think I have reached to have a healthy relationship with food. It requires work, though, lots of work!
      I must analyze what I love about myself and my body in order to love it more.
      Thank you for your support!!!! 😀

      • The most drastic way would be to only keep what is really healthy and good at home for a little while. Never cook more than one portion (or however many people are to serve) and then finally prepare some snacks ahead of time for when you need them – portion sized: carrots, cucumber, crackers, anything that`s good. Finally, if you have a craving: ask yourself: is it this what I need or would something else do too, perhaps? Then choose the second best/healthy option.
        Anyways, I understand the eating part, I love to eat and I would never stop, I could actually eat all day, I`m sure. Make sure to really always get food regularly and if you are hungry, rather eat than starve yourself and later eat too much.

  5. HUGS! I definitely agree with Boomie. Healthy comes first. If you lose weight just to be skinny, you won’t be skinny for very long or you won’t even make it to “skinny.” When you think about wanting to eat yummy nutritional foods because you want to be strong, avoid cancer, heart disease, illness, etc… you are more opt to eat healthy foods. When you look at a chocolate muffin, you know that won’t help you get towards skinny but is that enough to stop you from eating it? But what if you thought about having a long happy life? Not having to worry about hospital stays? Healthy does that for you. Not being skinny. If you continue to yo-yo, you are just hurting the only body you get in this life. Don’t hate it because it isn’t where you would like it right now. Love it enough that you are willing to change and become healthy for it. Your body is your baby. Would you starve your baby and then feed it crappy stuff later? No. Would you insult your baby and say that it isn’t good enough? No. You would want your baby to grow up healthy and strong and feeling happy. Do that for yourself too.

    • WOW, Cassie! This is some powerful response! Wowowowowow! I hadn’t thought of it that way! This is all so true, it’s such a groundbreaking comment!! haha!! I’m sorry for showing my emotion like this, but I think this is AWESOME!! Thanks for commenting but most of all thanks for making the baby analogy!!!

      And also, to see it from the health perspective rather than the “thinness” perspective is just drop dead awesome.

      Thank you a million times!

      • Haha. I am so glad that it hit home with you! I figured it would be a good analogy for you since you are such a caring person to those around you! =D I am here for you anytime, cheering you on!

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