Even though I suffered when it was time to go down to the pool because it meant my friends and other people would get to see me in a bikini, this weekend had some excellent moments that need to be savoured and remembered. Maybe if I choose to concentrate on the brightness and beauty of moments and things, I will be able to change my life permanently.
I traveled to Acapulco to a friend’s wedding and got to be a bridesmaid along with 4 other friends. I rented an apartment with 3 of my closest friends and we had a blast: everything flowed harmoniously, we laughed hysterically all weekend long, we played lots of games, drank wine, swam, ate only when hungry and enjoyed our time together. I tend to not take many pictures because maybe I’ll look fat in them but end up regretting that choice later. It’s amazing how much my overweight paralyses and stops me from doing things. What I am sure of, is that I have to learn something from this obsession with food, I need to listen to what this problem is trying to tell me. Encouraged and guided by my coach Lisa, I have been doing some journaling and it has helped me ENORMOUSLY. She explained me that I have 2 voices in my head: A (Adversary) and B (Beautiful). The B voice talks from a place of love, always, always and accepts and loves Erika no matter what. The A voice is loud, demanding and negative. I have been listening to that voice for the longest time so now I write a dialogue between the 2 voices in order to help my B voice become stronger and able to quiet the negative voice down. I went through my journals today and decided to remind myself of all the beautiful thoughts and arguments that have come from my B voice. So here it comes.
Remember to always be kind to yourself and love every bit of you. You are more than aware that you are the result of your thinking. All of those thoughts and words you’ve been telling yourself for years have taken you to where you are right now, so be patient and remember that only conscious and constant work will help you change your words, actions and behaviour, and it’ll take time. Your fear of being judged, rejected and questioned has led you to eat and ease the pain, you have built a shield. What you are right now is a result of self-induced abuse but you know better now and won’t let that happen anymore. You have finally decided to change but you’re still learning so don’t judge yourself, just love and respect yourself during the process. Your weight is here to show you that you are much more than a body; looks don’t transcend, your mind, heart and soul do, so nurture them. Concentrate on what is inside you, not outside. Think of what causes you to eat your words and your desires. Stop feeding what keeps you shielded and protected, it doesn’t allow you to change, it doesn’t want you to change but you do. Acknowledge, embrace and love the entirety of you, stop judging you. Enjoy your healthy body by taking care of it, exercising it, nurturing it, respecting and being grateful for it. Surround yourself with positive activities and positive people. Read, write on your journal and blog, live in the present, prioritise, let yourself grow and stop avoiding it. Don’t give into fear, always choose to face it and go in the opposite direction it tries taking you. Food isn’t alive, you are, food doesn’t have a voice, you do, food isn’t the boss of you, you are the boss of you, food is fuel for your body, let it be that. Remember comparison is the thief of joy, so stop comparing yourself to others. Remember to ALWAYS love yourself first.