Lisa asked me, as an assignment, to make a list of my principles. When she mentioned it to me, I thought it’d be easy. How hard can it be to know what is important to me?
Well, it turns out, I don’t know.
I seriously have no clue what is important to me. Sometimes I think having money is, having a boyfriend is, being happy is, having a big wedding is, having a job where the pay is amazing is, having a baby is, living in a big house is, wearing fancy clothes is, cooking is, having lots of friends is, having a busy social life is, being skinny is, travelling is… But other times I think maybe dancing is important, living in the beach is, where people are less judgemental, less materialistic, less worried, more kind… but maybe that is just an assumption. One day I think doing what everybody else wants to do is what I want to do, but then again, other times I think I wanna live differently that the “status quo”.
This confusion is what keeps me sad, angered and mostly depressed, day in and day out. It’s like I’m floating adrift. Since I don’t know what I want, I paralyse and let the fear sink in. I let the fear and confusion get the best of me. And I just don’t know how to beat them; the scariest and saddest part, is that sometimes I think I don’t even want to beat or get rid of them…