A demon inside

We are our own worst enemies, no doubt about that. What I’m about to share is highly personal… and highly disturbing. I don’t even know why I am sharing, I just know I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to write about it.

This went on in my head today, and I documented it while shedding tears from my eyes. I decided to do some AB Journaling right now, to really get myself out of this situation and learn what my negative self is trying to tell me, and what my loving part has to answer.

A: I’m such a loser. How could I even think that stupid actor boy would like ME? Why do I even bother going through his twitter and facebook accounts? and his girlfriend’s? Only a stalking loser would do that. I don’t even have any money left and I was, a couple of days ago, preaching to my dad about money and abundance. What a hypocrite! Positive thinking? Screw that! You are a lazy, procrastinator, worthless piece of shit. You can’t even keep promises or words! You cancelled your dinner today without even giving a shit. And who are you kidding? Handling a business? You can’t handle your own life, let alone your own company! You have no chance to make your own business a successful one. You have zero discipline and no drive. Look at the results! You lie to yourself constantly. You are a loser, a fat loser, a worthless, lazy loser. you’re 25 and can’t even land a decent job or have a decent income. You don’t even enjoy working! Anybody who went to school with you knows that and would laugh at your face when finding out that you opened your business. You are a joke. You can’t even get your butt to exercise. You are so ashamed of what others will think of your body, you can’t get in shape. For it to be your dream (having a bikini body), you don’t seem to do much. Stalking people who can pull a bikini through facebook won’t get you the body so why do you keep doing that instead of getting your ass into shape?

B: You are no loser, stop saying that. You are beautiful. We don’t know if the boy likes you, there’s no way of knowing. You need to stop wasting time going through his social networks and his girlfriend’s. It’s no good for you or anybody. There’s no good purpose and nothing positive will come out of it. You’ll only end up feeling badly and frustrated. Why do you keep looking for ways to feel like that? You are meant to thrive, nothing less. But why do you constantly sabotage yourself? Ok, you spent all of your money on printing your Book for later interviews. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Move on and finish the project you have pending yet, that client still owes you money. Stop drowning in your own glass of water. Positive thinking is what has gotten you to stop barfing, binge less and has set you in the road to recovery. Your subconscious is trying to get you to a place where you have always been comfortable. You know that, you understand that. Don’t let the negative voice win. Love is stronger, love will ALWAYS prevail, so allow it to talk louder and listen to it. You are none of those ugly things you call yourself. You only have some habits you need to unlearn. Go back to keeping daily promises. One day at a time works for you. Yes, you cancelled dinner today. Guess what? It wasn’t a decision to be proud of but it was a decision based on how YOU were feeling. You are starting to cease pleasing people. Don’t beat yourself up about it, your friends understand. You don’t know how to handle a business buy it doesn’t mean you can’t learn. You DO have a chance to make it a successful one, you only have to be patient and focus on achieving small goals. You have proven to self-discipline yourself when you want to. And you do have drive, you just have to feed them both, day in and day out. You do lie to yourself but much more less than you did before. Love is your only truth. I am love, listen to me and you’ll find nothing but your true self, cause you are made of pure love. If you keep calling yourself a loser for any mistake you make, it will stay stuck in your subconscious. Remember, you are no loser, you are a wonderful, outstanding human being. You are recovering from a long time of calling yourself ugly things. You have to call yourself different, new positive things. That way, those will stay within your subconscious. You are 25 and it’s ok that you haven’t landed a job or an income you like. You are working to get it, you are finally starting to embark towards it. Good thing you are starting on time. You enjoy working, you just don’t allow yourself to do it because your focus is in the wrong place. Change your focus and you will realise how highly productive you really are. So what if people laugh at your face? Who cares about them? You have, for the longest time. The moment you stop caring about what people think, your life will be better and you will listen to the first one that matters: your lovely self. You can get yourself to exercise, it’s only a matter of wrapping your head around it and DOING it. You have gone a while without doing it steadily and your body is missing it because it needs it, because it is so good for it. Show love to your body by moving it, instead of going through random people’s pictures with the body you aspire to have. Listen to your intuition, listen to your gut. It always knows what is right and what isn’t. You know what to do, you know which voice to listen to. Love will always prevail. You are love. This was only a stumble. You almost fell but you didn’t allow yourself to fall as hard as you could have. Now get back up and show yourself some love. Day in, day out. You are amazing, nothing less.

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8 thoughts on “A demon inside

  1. I just started following you a few days ago and haven’t really even looked at any of your writing yet #truth But this, my dear is some fabulous writing! Believe or not, this”demon” inside of you is something we alll have – some choose to ignore it, others face it, others love and accept it – this is normal.

    Just keep listening to that stronger loving voice because that is the part of you that will help you through anything and overcome all. And I can tell by reading A and B, it is the stronger voice of the two.

    There’s a song by Alicia Keys that I really love called Through It All that says: “Don’t think about the past. Don’t “worry” about the future – just live in the moment. as long as there’s another day, there will be another way – a chance to make it through…”

    • Hi Maria! I didn’t hesitate while writing/publishing it. But this morning I woke up thinking: OMG, what did I just do? What did I publish. I get scared when this evil voice takes over me, I really do. But once it takes over, it becomes a snowball going downhill. I think the loving voice is stronger too, I just keep feeding it with my actions. That must stop.
      You nailed it with the Alicia Keys song. Turns out I’m a HUGE fan.
      Thanks for this words, and thank you for following!

  2. Erika, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! We all have a negative voice, anad it’s sometimes hard to ignore.
    And if you felt like that guy liked you, then you were right! But if he has a gf, then that’s all there is to it. We all sometimes look and find someone else attractive. It doesn’t mean we are going to ac on it, and even less that we are going to leave our other half… It does not mean that you should compare yourself to her though. You are great as you are and he saw that.
    Focus on the positives, on what you have accomplished and learn from your mistakes.

    • Hélène, thank YOU for reading!
      I know, I beat myself up way too harsh and it needs to stop. I am trying to pay more attention to my positive voice. Yesterday was a tough day, I think. I am trying to stay focused on the positives 🙂

  3. I am touched at the magnitude with which you share—honestly. It’s beautiful really. AND you have some supportive followers. 🙂 Do not wait to be ready to make changes, just be willing. Despite what your head tells you get your body moving. Pick one thing and do it consistently before you add 10 more. I love you dearly. (And thank you for supporting me in my interview. So appreciated. I will let you know when they publish.)

    • I shared my darkest thoughts, it felt good at the moment, I just wrote everything down and then pressed “Publish”. I knoow, my followers are AMAZING. Once again your advice is spot on. I’ll try not listening to my head as much, I tend to let it be the boss of me. (You are very welcome).

  4. So deeply personal and it takes alot of courage to put it all out there online like that. I can imagine how great that felt and I agree with the comments that the negative voice is something we all have. Some of the ‘greatest’ athletes, scholars, etc… actually credit this strong self doubt with making them great. If harvested the proper this self doubt can help with your success in getting you to work harder and drive you further than your peers. You are still so young – don’t be so hard on yourself! We’ve all been there and you are just learning how to cope with it – without this self doubt you’d be willing to accept failure so take it and learn to harvest it.

    I know this is sort of scattered but I have a hard time of putting it into words but the way you are feeling is a way I’ve felt numerous times in my life. Eventually I found something I enjoyed and put my time/effort into it (driven by my self doubt that others were ‘better’ than me) and in the past few years my career has expanded by leaps and bounds. You will do great things – we all know it – just keep working hard every day towards your goals.

    • Thank you for your support. It is really difficult to cope with this voice, and it’s scary what it has to say. I keep fighting it and hope it will lose power eventually. I am trying to work on my goals, but sometimes I don’t even know what they are!

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