Midnight rant

I really wish I could feel self-assured, that I could feel pretty, that I could choose not to care about what others think, I wish I really could. I am trying, I am putting conscious effort on it, but it seems to be so hard. And I feel so lost most of the times, I don’t even know what I feel, what I want or what I need. I’ve been making decisions based on other people’s opinion my whole life. I’ve allowed myself to be influenced by everybody’s opinion. Not knowing where I stand in almost any subject is both scary and sad. Am I a child? In many areas I think I am.

What I am not willing to do anymore is wasting any more time. I am also not willing to diminish myself anymore. Saying it is a start. Conscious action will have to be involved in order for a change to actually happen. Time to stop wishing and planning. Time to start living and enjoying. 



10 thoughts on “Midnight rant

  1. It takes time and a lot of setbacks… You are on the right track so don’t give up! Maybe it would help to step away from it all? Go away or hide for a couple of days, doing stuff you enjoy and not thinking about any of this. Then you’ll feel refreshed and ready to take it all on.

  2. You have come so far, it`s hard, but I`m sure you will grow stronger and stronger.
    I have never been in your situation and don`t want to make a stupid comment or be mean, but I was wondering: if you have enough energy, is it possible to “just” convince yourself that you ARE pretty, strong, whatever it is? I hope you don`t take this as an insult, because it`s just something I have been thinking about, as I know that one can definitely negatively influence ones opinion, so maybe the opposite works too?
    Anyways, I wrote you a Facebook message, I`m not sure you got that?

  3. I have a quote posted on the wall in my office that says: “What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” Our actions are the only things that matter so keep up the good work – don’t let your setbacks hold you down.

      • No problem – the quote is from an old English Author John Ruskin (Had to get to my office today to remember who it was by). I used to let negative emotions run my mindset but over the past two years have done a much better job of letting positivity control my thoughts which has transitioned into a much more action that has led me to do a number of things I never thought I could (which includes socializing with ‘strangers’ over the Internet) for fear of being ‘judged’ by others.

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