Am I a masochist?

It seems like I do every single thing on my power to end up feeling TERRIBLE. I just binged (1 small popcorn, salty cookies with cheese and turkey ham, 1 tortilla and 2 small “sopes” with the same toppings), and stalked a skinny, very beautiful girl on Facebook (someone I wish I could be or look like).

The worst part about all of this, is that, just when I was heading back home from work, I had thought of what I would do at home. The “ideal” options crossed my mind, such as: reading the pile of books next to my bed, exercising, keep working on some stuff I hadn’t finished, pack for my weekend trip, wax my legs, prepare some birthday gifts, etc, etc… But, I chose to stuff my face with food. Even though I know every single tool I can use to avoid binges, I chose to ignore everything and just ate my ass out. During the binge, I don’t even think, I don’t wanna think, and, the worst part is that I don’t wanna listen to the voice that wants to keep me from grabbing the food. I was also thinking of a cute boy I saw at the gym yesterday and assumed that he (or anybody else in that gym) must see me and see an overweight girl, an average girl, nothing worth staring at, no one even worth talking to. That happens to me all the time: cute guy=guy who won’t even notice me. I’ve tried to change that and I struggle to get those thoughts out of my system, but they’re still around and I think I have evidence to support them.

I know this bingeing is a habit, I know it is also a coping mechanism, but most of all, it has become a nasty habit.

I wasn’t going to post this, but not posting these thoughts and actions would make a mockery out of my blog and my recovery.

I feel much better after this, and I need to work with what I can control: the present. I could have kept bingeing, I could have gone to the bathroom and barfed, but I chose to write instead, and I will get out of this, I know it.

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9 thoughts on “Am I a masochist?

  1. So proud of you for being authentic. Trusting self is the first order of recovery. And we do it by being honest. Particularly by being honest when we’d rather hide. This is all steps forward little one. Love you dearly.

  2. We have all be through those stages but there is light at the end, you just have to believe.
    Every phase is necessary for the one after that and after… I found it hard to accept but today I know it is indeed what brings you to where you want to be.

    Writing is very much therapeutic, it is the distraction we need to focus on something else than food. Never give up, you can do it, I know!

    Good luck 🙂

  3. Erika, it’s great that you are able to write about it! It’s a great release and it’s important to acknowledge what happened and why. That despite all of the coping mechanisms you learnt you are still vulnerable. Sadly recovery is a long process, but you are on the right path. As for the cute guys and the skinny girl, they are no better than you. You are a wonderful person and they would be lucky to be with you / like you. Once you get your confidence levels up you will see this and naturally attract men that are worth hanging out with. Keep faith

  4. I find that when I think about everything “I need to do” (e.g. exercise, cook healthy meal, clean the flat, etc.) I become unconsciously stressed and I am more likely to binge. Changing my thought pattern, and not thinking about what I had to do, but rather think about what I could do, helped me a lot.

    It’s nice to see that someone puts these thoughts out there. There are too many people who hide them already!

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