Petrified to grow up

I don’t wanna grow up. There, I said it.

I’m sure that’s what keeps me bingeing. I choose to stay stuck because I’m PANICKED to grow up. I am so afraid I may wake up one day being a 30 year old child. That is what I am, a child, a spoiled brat. That is why I am not capable of achieving goals or doing anything I set myself to do. I am scared = I stay paralysed. And my comfort zone is just controlling my life, I am worthless, useless at 25 years of age!

I’ve been knowing this for too long and I keep failing to change it over and over again. I guess I must do something or many things differently.

I wanna have a good relationship with food and I keep bingeing.

I wanna go to France and I can’t get myself to learn the language.

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna…

I keep lying, I keep promising, I keep pleasing everyone, I keep fooling myself and everybody else.

And nothing gets done.


6 thoughts on “Petrified to grow up

  1. I didn’t comment yesterday, because I know that we get these kind of days, and sometimes we post these because we just want to get it out. We don’t want solutions, or someone to try and fix it or someone to say what to do (hard for guys to do, by the way – we always look to “fix” things, instead of just listening and that’s what drives you ladies batty about us sometimes 😉 ). so I was just going to leave it. But I saw your post today, and saw a whole different Erika, one who seemed to move past yesterday’s blah’s and rebounded back into something positive, energizing, vibrant.

    We who have addictions stunt our growth when we start using whatever it is we use to get out of ourselves. So when we stop using what we use, we are faced with the prospect of growing up. and it can be frightening. And perhaps that is where you are at. We all go through that. I certainly did. I am probably a 24 yrs old in a 42 year old’s body, in terms of emotional health! I need more growing up, for sure. So you’re not alone.

    And as for the rest of what you said – you are not worthless. No one is. We all have value and worth. We just have to see it for ourselves. And I see it in you.


    • Paul, oh Paul. This reply has been playing over and over in my head. It meant so much and resonated so deeply that I can’t seem to get over how good it was! I have been thinking how you manage to read so many blogs and answer so thoroughly. I am a fan of yours!

      Thanks for making me feel like I’m not crazy and that I’m not alone. Thanks for understanding and connecting to me! Thanks for reassuring me I’m not a totally useless individual (I know I’m not but oh how recurrent that thought is!).
      But most of all, thanks for reminding me that opening this blog is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I am so glad I get to read you and interact with you.

      Love and light!

  2. I do not think anyone truly wants to grow up. I certainly don’t! It is a big scary world out there, full of responsibility and worry! Yet also with growing up, you get freedoms that you normally wouldn’t have as a kid…so there is a good and bad side to everything! Also, I don’t think you should have things figured out by the time you are 25…You are still so young! This is the time to make mistakes and just do crazy things, and learn from them. No one has it all together at this age… or even in their 30’s…. or 40’s… Deep down in all of us are little kids just wanting to play and be silly, and I truly believe we should never lose that part of ourselves!

    • Cassy, you are wonderfully wise at your age. Can we be friends please? I really love your advice. Thank you so much and yes, I think I’m still young and I have to be kinder to myself, not so tough. 🙂

  3. We’re all scared of something. Like you I am scared of my age, about waking up one day and being 30 and nothing has been done. However, unlike you I feel like I’m too grown up. Like I am a 40-year-old in a 25-year-old’s body. I long for stability, security and (financial) independence. I always feel like I haven’t quite achieved enough… But I suppose that’s what life is for, to take on our fears and learn from them. I’m sure you will learn, I hope I will.

    • It’s funny how we live being scared at our age, I think it is something common, don’t you? I also long for those things, but I don’t see them becoming a reality any time soon, that’s what scares me. I am sure we are both learning, dear! I love connecting with people struggling similar battles. We’ll get through this.

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