Reasons why I binge eat

Ok, I stopped barfing, ok, it’s a HUGE step in recovery, I know it, I’m proud of myself for it. But, what about my relationship with food? It’s still not good. I didn’t think this through, I thought that by quitting the most hurtful and violent act towards myself, everything would be ok. I didn’t think it would take this long for me to stop the bingeing. And, by barfing everything I used to binge on before, gave me instant gratification: I could “remove” the consequences… at least that’s what I thought. I was so wrong but it seemed like an easy thing to do. No pain involved, I swallowed it and then threw it all out.

It also has a lot to do with the fact that I have dieted ever since I can remember. In my head, eating a chocolate is, like the worst thing ever, so is eating pizza or any junk food. Maybe I shouldn’t be analysing my past, maybe that’s why I stay stuck.

I wanna point out the possible reasons why I binge today.

  • Out of habit.
  • Out of guilt: whenever I feel badly about eating something, or not eating “perfectly”, I will most certainly binge.
  • Drinking munchies: whenever I get home late, either drunk or not, I think: I have the whole kitchen to myself! so I do some bingeing.
  • Not dancing: Through dance I free my mind and body, I feel bliss, it’s my therapy. I’m not currently dancing, so…
  • Feeling stressed.
  • Not liking myself right now.
  • Finding fault in mostly everything I do.
  • Analysing my binges over and over again (it’s easier).

I am aware I sound like a broken record, I am aware the solutions are in my power yet I keep having self-destructive behaviours… Why, Erika, WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Because doing things differently will cause me pain and challenges.

 

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10 thoughts on “Reasons why I binge eat

  1. Yes! Sometimes what we know, the habit… is comfortable even when it causes us problems but, when bad becomes worse then torture, we get to the point of saying no to victimization. It’s a place we’d rather give up than living it every second of our lives.
    I wrote quite a few posts on that. My answer was first O.a to learn a few tools then, the shift happened when I found a diversion to food by realizing my passions through posting them on the new found blogging world (e.g my paintings,photography & writings) for you it’s dancing & you might discover yourself another one along the way of recovery!
    I truly wish you a load of success in your endeavors 🙂

    • Thank you for your kind words and for telling your story on a blog, I think this platform we have and the community we build is pure gold. I went to OA but didn’t find anything that helped me make a shift. I’m trying different ways, like listening to enlightened authors, reading books, reading and commenting blogs. I shall come back to dancing and it will be great.
      Thanks for your wishes! I’m glad you speak to me :).

  2. I agree with doing that which is therapeutic for you Erika!! Get out and dance – do things that feel good for YOU! I know it sounds simple, and I know it’s not. I have only just started reading your posts but wonder if you’ve ever obtained counseling to deal with the issues behind your binges.

    • When I accepted I had a problem (but didn’t want to do anything about it) I went to see a therapist… she and I didn’t click. After that, I started seeing another one and then another one and then I turned to nutritionists who couldn’t help me that much. I think I was not ready to recover. Currently I have the support from Lisa Neumann, she has really helped me A LOT. Blogging is helping me enormously, especially comments from other addicts and reading their stories.

  3. “Finding fault in mostly everything I do.”, “Not liking myself right now”
    Oh boy do I identify with this, Erika. Be are so hard on ourselves…we treat ourselves in a way that if we treated others like that, it would border on the barbaric. We hammer on ourselves so much that there is no room for love and compassion towards ourselves. Easier said than done, eh?

    You say that doing things differently would cause you pain. Doing what you’re doing now is causing you pain. Again, easy to say to just jump in and do the things that will help you. It took me 25 years to get to that point. Don’t let it take you that long. There is a certain payoff in doing what we do (did). For me, it kept me in victim mode, it kept me separated from others mode (I didn’t want to be around people because I felt vulnerable and would get hurt). I would stay in a rut for a long time because I knew nothing else. I didn’t know I could get out and actually feel things and not fall apart. I learned a lot from AA – how to change my perception, how to grow spiritually, how to use the tools to help me deal with life and the feelings around it. Obviously you are not an alcoholic, but is something like OA an option? I ask because it might be something that could help you get past this point you’re at. Being accountable could help with your self-professed procrastination. You can find that in OA.

    Anyway, I didn’t come here intending to give advice. I am just a drunk. 🙂

    I just wanted to let you know that I know what it’s like to feel how you do. I drank it away, you binge it away. Causes and conditions are similar. :0

    Blessings,
    Paul

    • I went to OA about a year ago and I didn’t like it. At first, I thought I had found the answer, I connected so much to the other members of the group. I went along with Isa (theblondiechronicles) and the idea of being in abstinence resonated so much with both of us… until reality kicked in and made me realise I was depriving myself from sugar and flour and my binges intensified and I would feel twice as guilty because I was failing on the one rule OA had. I think I saw my group and didn’t feel inspired, they were a bunch of middle aged women who told me they had been fighting their food addiction ever since they were my age and that they would probably have the addiction until they died. They mentioned to both of us that they would most likely become our close group of friends because “nobody else could understand our problem as they did”. They talked about how they couldn’t attend dinner parties because they wouldn’t consume any sugar or flour. The idea of such a life didn’t appeal to me at all, so I decided to stop attending, it was not helping me at all. I don’t regret having gone to OA, i think it opened my eyes a bit more, it was the extra push I needed in order for me to decide to fully recover through a different path.

      And, I appreciate every single comment from you, Paul! You are one hell of a great example of how recovery should be like! You ain’t no drunk, at least not to me.

      I agree on the treating myself better part, I need to remember that!

      Thank you so much for stopping by! Love your insightfulness! Blessings to you, too!

  4. Erika, I wish I had a quick fix for you.
    Do what you love, express yourself through dance, learn who you are and why you are amazing.
    Eat pizza and chocolate with others. Eat them like they are any other food, part of a varied diet. Stop restricting yourself. And then you will see that you have the power to stop after a couple fo slices or squares.
    It takes time, but you are on your way.
    You stopped binging, be proud of that.

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