Ok, I stopped barfing, ok, it’s a HUGE step in recovery, I know it, I’m proud of myself for it. But, what about my relationship with food? It’s still not good. I didn’t think this through, I thought that by quitting the most hurtful and violent act towards myself, everything would be ok. I didn’t think it would take this long for me to stop the bingeing. And, by barfing everything I used to binge on before, gave me instant gratification: I could “remove” the consequences… at least that’s what I thought. I was so wrong but it seemed like an easy thing to do. No pain involved, I swallowed it and then threw it all out.
It also has a lot to do with the fact that I have dieted ever since I can remember. In my head, eating a chocolate is, like the worst thing ever, so is eating pizza or any junk food. Maybe I shouldn’t be analysing my past, maybe that’s why I stay stuck.
I wanna point out the possible reasons why I binge today.
- Out of habit.
- Out of guilt: whenever I feel badly about eating something, or not eating “perfectly”, I will most certainly binge.
- Drinking munchies: whenever I get home late, either drunk or not, I think: I have the whole kitchen to myself! so I do some bingeing.
- Not dancing: Through dance I free my mind and body, I feel bliss, it’s my therapy. I’m not currently dancing, so…
- Feeling stressed.
- Not liking myself right now.
- Finding fault in mostly everything I do.
- Analysing my binges over and over again (it’s easier).
I am aware I sound like a broken record, I am aware the solutions are in my power yet I keep having self-destructive behaviours… Why, Erika, WHY?!?!?!?!?!
Because doing things differently will cause me pain and challenges.