Erika, the drama queen.

All day long I decided to wallow, be sad and miserable. I cried all afternoon. I didn’t wanna leave my bed, I chose depression, I even think a huge part of me wanted to feel it, inhale it, let it take over me. I even looked for depressing songs up, I found reasons to feel down and if I ran out of them, I looked for more.

I decided to feel sadness and misery, nobody else did, and nothing on the outside provoked my immersion into depression.

Eventually I got tired and felt like getting myself out of that hole. I went to the gym and “drama queen Erika” left.

I don’t know if this is good or bad. I am fully aware I chose to feel the way I felt, to spend most of my day like a crying vegetable. I think my period is coming but I also think I consciously got myself into a downward spiral because it gave me an excuse to sit around and do nothing.

During my time at the gym I was an entirely different person: I talked nicely to myself, felt joyous, smiled the whole time, visualised, felt motivated, and fell in love with myself all over again.

The important thing here is that I am going to think I allowed depression to sink in because I welcomed it only for a day, only to listen to what it had to say. Well, I listened and now I can move on with my joyous life thankyouverymuch.

“I forgive you, I love you and I know you exist inside me, you big drama queen. Now let me live my drama-free existence.”

 

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8 thoughts on “Erika, the drama queen.

  1. Funny, I think there must be something going around, because I have read a few posts this week with almost the same symptoms! I too have felt a “I’ve had it” kind of vibe with me. It hasn’t manifested in a stay-in-bed funk (how could I anyway? two kids under 6? I am lucky to sleep into 7am, let alone lie in bed all day…lol), but i am certainly not 100% myself. Maybe 50% me. On sale, so 40%. I don’t know, math isn’t my strong suit.

    Anyway, back to Erika.

    Yes, perhaps you chose to sit in some self-pity. Man, I love to do that stuff. I am usually just too busy to stay there, as much as I would love to at times. But you got out of it, and at the gym, you channeled the real Erika, the vibrant, beautiful (love the pics!), energetic, enthusiastic, positive Erika. Listen, we all struggle. We have our days. Just because we’re in recovery doesn’t mean we don’t have our crappy days. We just have to be a little bit more aware of them and use the tools at our disposal to make sure that those crappy days don’t degrade into something more powerful and self-destructive. But I will go out on a limb here and say that many of us love a good self-pity day. Or half-day. Or a few hours. Or maybe it’s the period thing…ha ha. I have no clue in that department. I just know that my wife gets a lot grumpier at times and it’s always my fault…lol.

    Anyway, you’re doing great.

    Blessings,
    Paul

    • Paul! Really? We’re all connected, that’s probably why you’ve encountered similar blue posts. You’re right, you have responsibilities, big ones, and can’t afford a “blue day in bed”, and it’s funny how you say you’re on sale haha.

      It was definitely my period, I had it the day after the storm haha. I always get like that, so I don’t blame your wife ;). Also, I feel as if I came back from the dead after my blessed gym session! Seriously, this week is turning out to be great, it seems like I needed to get that out of me. And I am finding loving and accepting that part of me, extremely therapeutic. 😉

      Thanks for stopping byyyy!!!!!

  2. I absolutely ADORE this post Erika, and you’ve written out many of my own sentiments. I too allow the blues to at times overwhelm me, and wash over me. I think too much of our society tells us to ‘snap out of it’ and pull our selves together. But as author Thomas Moore writes about in his amazing book Care of The Soul, there are lessons from these times that we need to allow time for, to sift through and find the gems, the pearls of growth and learning that brings wisdom over time. And like you, after I’ve felt all my feelings and cried it out (sometimes hormonal, for sure) then I can step out and have an attitude adjustment that I get from walking to the park with my dog or putting on a nice piece of music and doing something artistic, gardening, or even cleaning! As you said, I’m like a different person. But all parts of me are allowed and acceptable. I thank you deeply for this wonderful post, and I hope you don’t mind a long comment, since this topic obviously gets me going!
    With love and admiration, Gina

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