It had been silent for a while… ok, maybe not silent but very quiet, a week and a half to be exact, and that is a long time, at least to my loud, overly chatty, demanding negative voice. It spoke to me in the morning and said: “Don’t get up, let’s sleep in”, and sleep in I did. At work it also tried to sabotage me, to keep me useless but I chose not to let it take over me and managed to stay productive. I looked in the mirror and it whispered: “you are not pretty” but decided it was not true. It called me lazy and didn’t want me to work out but I worked out anyway. It tried to make me eat more in the afternoon while I was home but I immediately went upstairs to get out of the kitchen. I went downstairs to grab a cup of tea and picked 2 cookies up but only ate one. At night, after the workout I was very hungry and, I chose to have a binge. I hadn’t had one in a long time so why not have it now?.
Thoughts during the binge:
“You are slowing your weight loss process by doing this”
“You are sabotaging yourself yet once again”
“Maybe you like food way too much, maybe being fit isn’t that easy”
“I worked my ass off, I can eat all of this, I’ll just pretend I’m in maintenance”
“Maybe you’re afraid to lose weight or to have a healthy relationship with food”
“You are only lying to yourself”
“Don’t expect perfection”
And then, I stopped.
This is not a pity post, nor one to victimise myself. This is proof that the negative voice is starting to quiet down. Today I am choosing to forgive myself and have compassion towards me. I listened to it today but its repetitive, hating nature doesn’t go with me.
I am slowly but steadily getting the power back.