The dreaded bikini season.

I believe things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.

But…

Sometimes I don’t understand why I was given this body I am in. It’s easier for me to love my body with clothes on. The issue is when they come off. I can hide imperfections with a dress or a high waisted skirt. I cannot hide my cellulite while wearing a bikini.

When a friend used to invite me to Cabo I DREADED the moment I had to go in the pool: everybody would see how unfit I really was, or try to look away in order not to be disgusted. At times, I would stand in front of the floor to ceiling window that led to the pool, lift my sundress up, look at my reflection and cried in silence. I never knew my ass and legs looked like that underneath the sunlight until I did that. I used to do that every single day as if expecting for it (the orange skin) to disappear overnight. It never did.

To this day I keep hallucinating trips that involve beach or a bikini. Even with those posts I write about loving my body, even by having tried to change role models, even by having stopped buying fashion magazines. I still don’t feel good in a bikini.

Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to attend my brother’s graduation ceremony. My brother mentioned something about a river so we have to bring our bathing suits. My brother is an athlete and his girlfriend has a softball scholarship so they don’t worry about bathing suits or bikini seasons. I get to spend most of my day sitting in front of a desk and haven’t exercised in a week and a half because I just got promoted and am still trying to adjust to the new position.

Yes, I got promoted, I have dated a few Tinder guys and all I can write about is my fear of wearing a bikini in public.

Second part of the post:

But, I choose today to enjoy my trip, enjoy the river, swim, dance, laugh and live just the way I look right now. If I keep worrying about stupid things I will never enjoy life fully. These quotes did the trick today. Now I am off to packing my bags and writing on my gratitude journal.

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5 thoughts on “The dreaded bikini season.

  1. I am a dude, so I can’t speak to this, but I imagine that most women probably don’t feel 100% happy about their “bikini body”. I myself am self conscious about putting on swimming trunkcs (a rare thing, but it happens once or twice a year), as I am no model. If I wear a shirt, then I am okay. Now I say this fully understanding that most of us also don’t have an eating disorder or that certain connection with food that some do. Like you do. So I won’t suppose to know anything. But I guess what I wanted to say is that us “normies” (ha ha!) also dread the season. I did not want to go to the beach shirtless. But I had to. And you know what? When I looked around the beach, and when we were on the cruise ship, I can honestly say that the “model” type (or fit, or however you define a “good” bikini / swim suit body) was in the LOOOWWWWW minority. And I guess us guys suck in our guts and ladies do what the ladies do (wraps around their waists, etc)…but in the end we just accept it.

    And I guess acceptance is the thing, yes?

    I hope I don’t come off flippant or as such. I know this goes deeper than just a bikini. But I am sure it will work out the way it will 🙂

    Love the pic!!

    Paul

    • PAUL!!!!!!! I miss reading you! I have been so busy lately…
      Thanks for this comment. And, guess what? I bought a (rather pricey) bathing suit that looks damn good on me. I invested in it because it just made me feel ok and helped me worry less about the hot tub thing so it was worth it.
      🙂 So yeah, we all have our tricks! Thank you for your endless support!
      Sending infinite love!

  2. I turned 50 this year and the last thing I want is to be in a bikini. That being said, I don’t have to look at me … they do. They think I look fine in a bikini. So, bikini and pool it is, because they want me to play with them, they don’t care about the cellulite (hard to imagine isn’t it?) They care about me. The choices: no bikini, no swimming = no mom playing in pool or yes bikini, yes swimming = my kids are having fun with me ….. no one but me notices my jiggly butt.

    I love you dearly.

    • Riight! If I am stuck with my not wanting to wear a bikini in public, then I’ll buy a one piece! And yes, dreading to look less than perfect in a bikini makes you miss life. I think I am a slow learner but I’m getting there. Love you, Lis!

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