Not taking care of myself
I cannot let my guard down. Even though on Saturday I binged and wanted to throw it all up, I stopped myself and avoided doing that. I thought of my progress and knew that no amount of food can make me go back so many steps. I keep dreading gaining weight, I hate being overweight to this very day.
But now i understand what part do bulimia and overeating play in my life. They are that part of me who refuses to grow up. Being overweight and eating recklessly keep me focused on just that: on losing weight or eating “normally”. That way I don’t have to think of anything else.
My question right here right now is: What are you gonna do about this? Action is required, not overanalyzing. What keeps me from overeating? Preparing. What keeps me from growing up? Not assuming myself as an adult (and everything that implies being one).
Tomorrow is a new day, a new start. And even though I am still a child in many ways, I am also an adult in the making.
The best things in life are unplanned
This is us at the Standard Hotel Rooftop bar. This is the place where Beyoncé partied after the Met Gala. If I would have known this fact before I went in, I would have kissed the floor she once set foot on. The best things in life are unplanned. We had planned to go to “Le Bain” at the Standard Hotel but it was closed for a private event. They sent us to the “Boom Boom Room” instead. We knew we were dressed down but went to take a look at it and maybe spot a celebrity or take a picture of the place. I mean, this is a bar where Miranda Kerr takes casual drinks at. We take a peek in awe and right when we were turning around to leave, the hostess tells us: “Actually you guys are perfect, the rule here are no sneakers or shorts, you can go in if you want to”. Inadequate would be an understatement to say how I felt when I walked in. People were wearing Manolos, Gucci dresses, perfect hair, and bags that probably cost more than my cellphone bill in a year. We went to the rooftop and there were no tables available but I wanted to take a look at the view and take a picture there. We took pictures, admired the view and right when we were about to leave, a woman who overheard that we were looking for a table approached us and told us that the 3 girls sitting next to her were about to leave. The woman was sitting at one of the best tables in the Rooftop:We sat at the table and ordered a bottle of wine to enjoy the breathtaking beauty of NYC and confirmed that the best things in life happen unplanned and unexpected.
And yes dammit, we are perfect.
Picture taken by me :). Isn’t this magical?
Sometimes it’s hard to ignore or be inmune to people being nasty and saying mean things. I especially find it hard. I also have trouble coming up with comebacks.
Anyways, with that being said I wanna share with you a picture of me with a friend and other tourists at Rockefeller Center. I said I wanted to travel and travelling I am :). I fell in love with NYC so hard I didn’t see it coming. But I think I fell more in love with travelling. I must keep doing it.
Lots of love and the best vibes to you.
I stopped writing in my gratitude journal and noticed a shift in my thoughts and behaviour. I’ve come to realise that it takes small actions every single day to keep a positive and healthy mind. I stopped being grateful and negativity crept back in.
I am constantly doubting my power to manifest things into my life and I don’t even know why because evidence has proven that self-doubt to be wrong.
I am currently happily employed, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job and I am sure I manifested it.
I was unhappy in my other job and that unhappiness was only bringing more unhappiness. So I shifted my attitude completely: I started being happy for no reason, made gratitude journaling a habit, and pretended I had already found a job I was happy at. All while I applied for jobs and went to interviews. I was even grateful for those jobs I didn’t land.
Anyways, I wanted to remind myself of that, and let you all know that with the right attitude and action, we can manifest ANYTHING into our lives.
My older brother just graduated from college and he is an example of perseverance and manifestation.
I wanted to share happiness with you :).
Wrapping this post up with a lovely picture of the entire family in Rolla, MO.
Thanks for reading.
I believe things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.
Sometimes I don’t understand why I was given this body I am in. It’s easier for me to love my body with clothes on. The issue is when they come off. I can hide imperfections with a dress or a high waisted skirt. I cannot hide my cellulite while wearing a bikini.
When a friend used to invite me to Cabo I DREADED the moment I had to go in the pool: everybody would see how unfit I really was, or try to look away in order not to be disgusted. At times, I would stand in front of the floor to ceiling window that led to the pool, lift my sundress up, look at my reflection and cried in silence. I never knew my ass and legs looked like that underneath the sunlight until I did that. I used to do that every single day as if expecting for it (the orange skin) to disappear overnight. It never did.
To this day I keep hallucinating trips that involve beach or a bikini. Even with those posts I write about loving my body, even by having tried to change role models, even by having stopped buying fashion magazines. I still don’t feel good in a bikini.
Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to attend my brother’s graduation ceremony. My brother mentioned something about a river so we have to bring our bathing suits. My brother is an athlete and his girlfriend has a softball scholarship so they don’t worry about bathing suits or bikini seasons. I get to spend most of my day sitting in front of a desk and haven’t exercised in a week and a half because I just got promoted and am still trying to adjust to the new position.
Yes, I got promoted, I have dated a few Tinder guys and all I can write about is my fear of wearing a bikini in public.
Second part of the post:
But, I choose today to enjoy my trip, enjoy the river, swim, dance, laugh and live just the way I look right now. If I keep worrying about stupid things I will never enjoy life fully. These quotes did the trick today. Now I am off to packing my bags and writing on my gratitude journal.
I was going to write a post complaining about my weight and how I’ve gained a bit but you know what? Not this time.
I am gonna sweet talk to it for a change.
I love you, body. I love you and always will.
My healthy body is freaking amazing.
That’s a wrap.
Ok, so this weekend I allowed myself to wallow again. I felt especially bad because I am single. I went to a (very boring) bachelorette party and chose to let some insensitive comments get under my skin. I also happened to be surrounded by women who are either married, engaged or waiting to get engaged. So, obviously the subjects on the table were weddings, babies, honeymoons and husbands. I believe I am surrounded by friends who focus a little bit too much on having a partner or not. I am not surrounded by dream-achievers, disciplined, inspiring people… yet I allow these other people to influence me and make me feel lousily.
Why, Erika, why?
Because I focus on the wrong things. Being single is my current state. Single is my reality. My single-ness is a blessing and I am viewing it (and always have) as a flaw.
I am pursuing a relationship so much because I believe it will bring me happiness.
But only I can bring myself happiness. A relationship won’t change my current state, it will only enhance the love I am creating within.
This post is to remind myself of the blessing it is to be single and ditch the limiting beliefs of society or the people around me who think someone is only happy with a partner by his/her side.
Only I can make myself happy. And I am choosing to be happy right now.
Ok, so going to the gym ain’t easy. Especially when you haven’t reached your goal weight or look. I still feel uncomfortable from time to time when I am squatting or doing crunches and my muffin top pops out in a not very gracious way, or when I’m sweating like crazy and a cute guy is next to me. I used to think all the time that these cute guys were maybe never gonna notice me, “they only will when I look a certain way”. I had been doing it all wrong. Thoughts are energy and that energy molds reality.
So, what I do when I catch myself thinking that, is look at myself in the mirror and say:
You are the hottest girl alive, even when you sweat you look amazing.
You are a champion for being here and doing your best.
You are attractive.
You are powerful.
You are capable.
You are worthy.
You are the prize.
You are freaking amazing.
As if by magic I turn into a power house immediately. And my gym session becomes a power session.
You are beautiful, know it, own it, say it, repeat it to yourself every freaking day. And so will I. 🙂
I know opening up a jar of Nutella alone in the dining room is not healthy… neither is adding 3 spoons of sugar to my coffee. Food is still on my mind longer than I would like it to be.
I need loving action and loving discipline to rule my life, not food… or action around food. Currently I’ve been very stressed at work, not sleeping well, not going to the gym, eating out, dining out, so my habits have been all over the place. I do try to fit vegetables in, and tea instead of coffee but I keep sneaking sugar, chocolate, alcohol and coffee more than I would need in order to reach a healthier lifestyle.
But I am trying every single day, and the process isn’t perfect, nor will it ever be.
This post is to remind me that beating myself up about eating more than I need to will not get me anywhere: loving myself will, respecting myself will, being grateful for myself will, celebrating my successes will and TAKING action will.
I wanted to do this post for a while now but was kind of ashamed of showing myself off like this. But, this blog is not only to inspire other people but to inspire myself too.
I am posting pictures of the progress I’ve had throughout a year. I didn’t do any diets nor did I focus on eating less or on counting calories. I simply worked on loving myself more, on exercising regularly and enjoying my food and my body. I got into weightlifting and tried not to miss gym sessions (against my mind’s will, many times).
I didn’t weigh myself or anything, I only focused on my progress pictures. I am inspired by this progress. I hope you are too.
Will you help me hold myself accountable?
Thanks for reading 🙂
I know you don’t read this blog, but I need to tell you a few things.
I love you more than anything, but since I keep measuring my self-worth on looks, relationship status and popularity, I can’t be my true self with you so I end up being rude and aggressive. I don’t know if you know this but I envy you in several ways. You have never struggled with weight, you have a great boyfriend, you are popular and cool, you are strong, responsible and self-assured, you get anything you set your mind to, you dress amazingly well, you can wear a bikini and not worry about how you will look on it, you are incredibly gorgeous. I always thought that the older sister should be a role model to the younger one and I don’t think I am. As long as I don’t improve my self-image and self-worth, I will not be able to have a healthier relationship with you. My fears, insecurities and craziness don’t allow me to be my true, loving self with you.
I am getting there, sis, bare with me, I am in the process of self-love.
Remember I love you more than anything in the world even though I have a hard time showing it.
Even though I’m swimming almost daily, even though I write on my Gratitude Journal every night, even though I am happily employed I find myself in the same place where I’ve been before. Food is my barometer, to see if I am ok or not. My desire to lose weight hasn’t disappeared and I think it never will. I admire fit people and fantasize over wearing clothes and walking about 30 pounds lighter. The habit to eat compulsively hasn’t died yet, and sometimes I don’t know if I want it to.
Now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to telling myself:
You can and you will unlearn the habit of eating compulsively and turning to food when stressed, sad or anxious. You are powerful beyond belief. You are your own master, not food or anything else. I love you and always will. Let’s go to sleep, tomorrow is a new day.
The power of self-compassion will never cease to amaze and heal me.