Words to live by

These quotes made my day today ❤

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Life is beautiful indeed.

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Why I am grateful

You know what, diary? I just binged. I ate a mini brownie, a bolillo, 1/4 of avocado, and lots of Ritz cookies.

But a binge doesn’t define my day.

Waking up at 6 am to exercise does. Waking up with a smile on my face does define my day because there was a time, not long ago when I used to wake up not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed or even go outside. I keep remembering how horrifying and awful that was.

So now, I am grateful for every single day I wake up healthy, happy and looking forward for the day ahead of me.

I am no longer trying to analyse my binges, even though I wish they wouldn’t happen anymore. I am not wasting any more time overanalysing the negative aspects of my day. Because doing so brings more of the same.

Thanking God every single day for waking up.

Being grateful for having health.

Showing gratitude for my job by being of service.

Loving those around me more than I can imagine.

Meditating every single night

Having discipline.

Working hard.

Those things I can focus on and overanalyse. That way, I can keep growing. That way I can keep living.

Liebster Award

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The lovely Colleen from Sprinkles and Skirts nominated me and brought me back to blogging :).

The Liebster award is an award given out to meet new bloggers and identify your favorite ones.

After receiving the award you must:

1) Post the award on your blog.

2) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog.

3) Write 11 random facts about yourself.

4) Nominate any number of bloggers you think deserve this award. If possible, they should have less than 200 followers.

5) Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you, and ask 11 questions to the people you nominate in your post. 

I nominate these amazing blogs:

Message in a bottle 

Joyful Cacophony

The Roaming Lama

Lose da Booze

Morning Tear

Work of your hands 

Weightloss Counter Revolution

Sprinkles and Skirts

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Lifeyum

Sober Identity

Questions for my beautiful nominees:

What 3 items would you take if you went to a desert island?

What do you like most about life?

What makes you happy?

What is your passion?

What is it that you do every day to keep you joyful?

Why do you blog?

What is your favourite food in the world?

What is your biggest dream in life?

What book are you currently reading?

Who is your role model and why?

Favourite movie of all time?

Eleven random facts about me: 

1. I am a very good and happy Graphic Designer (not a web designer, evidently)

2. I have learned to love myself through this blog (I’m still learning)

3. My family is the most important thing in my life

4. Chocolate is the second most important thing in my life 

5. I am a sucker for anything that has “vegan”, “gluten free”, “organic” attached to any food title because it removes any feelings of guilt in my head

6. Dancing is part of my essence

7. I have an obsession with living abroad

8. Through this blog I have developed meaningful friendships (and hopefully long-lasting ones)

9. I have come to enjoy weightlifting thanks to several accounts I follow on Instagram of kick ass women

10. I think Beyoncé is the epitome of perfection in a human being 

11. I LOVE meeting new people and keeping them around 

Answers to questions asked by Colleen:

1. What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own and why? A blue blazer from Banana Republic cause it’s both pretty and cozy.

2. What is your achilles heel? Chocolate.

3. What is your biggest pet peeve? Visible tumors, or weird skin rashes.

4. Tropical beach or European city vacation? Tropical beach in winter, European city on summer.

5. What are you self-conscious about? My legs.

6. What inspires you? Blogs, beautiful movies, over achievers, Ted Talks, kind people, animals. 

7. Would you call yourself an introvert or an extrovert and why? An extrovert. I’ve been told I don’t have word-filter.

8. Cat person or dog person and why? Dog person ❤ <3. I’ve always been around dogs.

9. If you could interview anyone from history or today who would it be and why? Mindy Kaling because I admire her entirely.

10. What are you most proud of in your life? Recovering from bulimia.

11. What is your favorite thing to cook/bake? Tuna, basil, onions and tomato cous cous.

If you reached this part of the post, I congratulate you and leave you with a big kiss :* !!!

AB Journaling

A: You wasted a whole weekend, escaped reality, didn’t work out, ate a lot, didn’t change your cellphone, didn’t investigate about scholarships abroad, didn’t do the homework for work. You are a woman of nearly 30 years of age and still act like a child. When is this all gonna change?

B: Hello sweetie. You did not waste a weekend. You caught up with an old friend, got to remember how helpful it was opening your blog, went to a concert, realised how much you would like to have an independent life abroad, and what you do want, and what you don’t. You may have escaped your reality a bit, but you enjoyed it because that is what you have learned to do over the years: enjoy life. You did a useful thing: you invested time in people you love. You did eat, maybe a lot, maybe not. Tomorrow is a day to redeem yourself. You can start by making the time to work out tomorrow. Stop beating yourself up and, tomorrow make a list of all the things you should do so you can prioritise and achieve goals.

You are 3 years away of turning 30. Make them worthy, happy and enjoyable. Life is to live it, enjoy it and doing so in your own way.

I love you, always.

My love-HATE relationship with food and myself

I read on a post written by Mastin Kipp that anger is accumulated sadness.

Yesterday I fought really badly with my little sister. I snapped and screamed my lungs out to her. She made a comment about how she doesn’t like when I wear her clothes. Reason enough for me to flip out. I think this has to do with the fact that she once told me I make her clothes bigger when I wear them. She’s a lot smaller than me and those comments really get to me. Weight is still a sore issue to me.

I’ve been trying to do the love rituals and I know I have been working on self-love a lot more, but I can’t seem to accept my body the way it is. I wanna be skinny, I want it so badly it hurts. I also hate loving food so much, I am sick of that fact defining me and I’ve become more aware of it recently. I can’t seem to leave a single leftover on my plate, I must eat the whole dish and, if possible, eat more afterwards. I don’t think my satiety levels are normal because no matter how much I eat, I never seem to get full. I really wanna stop loving food as much as I do, I wanna be proud of my body and stop being afraid of wearing a bikini, a skirt, leggings or any revealing piece of clothes. I want to be able to choose clothes because I like them, not because they flatter my body. I am sick of not loving my body, and it frustrates me to have days like these, where I wish I were someone else, someone who has no muffin-top or cellulite. I wish I were less superficial to stop caring about my overweight. I wish I stopped comparing myself to others constantly.

But what I wish the most, is to love my body enough for me to stop using it as excuse of not being good enough in every area of my life.

I also wish I didn’t think about food and my weight as much as I do.

Paying homage to myself

I’m finally on track, feeling blissful and willing to change.

By focusing on my blessings, I have found myself in a happier and more blissful place. I’ve been doing the 30-day Gratitude Challenge Nicole proposes on her lovely blog, and I am fascinated with it!

It’s amazing how many blessings I have, and every day that passes by, I find myself with more blessings than the day before. The mere fact of having air in my lungs makes me incredibly fortunate.

 

Regarding my body and mind, I am doing better. I am feeding love to my body by exercising, reducing my alcohol intake and talking kindly to it whenever I look in the mirror. I’m in the process of training my mind in order for it to stop associating any apparent problem, stressful situation or anxiety to food. It is not being easy but I enjoy challenges. I am determined to change, so discomfort will constantly be present in order to help me grow.

 

I am choosing to love and respect myself.

This is a process

Everything in life is a process, i tend to forget that. I want things to change immediately and to obtain results right away.

On Friday I ate dessert and felt guilty, so I decided to have a very healthy dinner.

On Saturday I had 2 binges: one in the morning, another one at night, after a party I went to.

On Sunday I had a very big, fat binge in the morning while being alone and feeling guilty for the previous binge I had had.

Are you sensing a pattern here?

I wrote what I ate right away and I also wrote my emotions linked to the binges. Both binges led to similar conclusions, but instead of feeling like I had realized something important, I felt incredibly guilty, disappointed and down overall. I decided to take action so I emailed a dear blogger friend who previously suffered from the same ED but is now fully recovered. She said just the right things to me, and gave me powerful insight.

She suggested that I should see the binges as mere setbacks, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up as hardly as I usually do. She also mentioned that when she used to binge and feel guilty about it, that guilt would usually trigger another one. The same exact thing happens to me. Amongst other things she also asked me to analyze which void I am constantly trying to fill with food… I know I have many voids but I can’t point at only one exactly. Another eye-opening thing she said to me, was that by focusing now on losing weight (those 26 pounds) is a way of not accepting myself the way I am right now, of rejecting my current weight, image, etc.

Hating or rejecting my body has been a constant in my life and even though I love it now more than I did a few years ago, I am not fully happy with it yet. In order to lose weight, recover from an ED, etc, I must start with mad love over my body (my entire self, for that matter).

Today I told my mom about the binges, how they happen and why they happen. I mentioned also that I am starting to worry about this binges being EXTREMELY similar to the ones I used to have when I started with bulimia. I realized that because I keep my food journal from 7 years ago, when I was at my lowest personally, physically and emotionally. My mom then came up with the idea of burning that little diary to flames. She said it would be a ritual symbolizing my decision to leave the painful past behind, and moving on. She suggested instead, for me to start a journal with positive quotes, phrases, affirmations and everything positive going on in my life. It will work as a daily reminder of how amazing my life really is, how amazing I am (and can be), and also a way to reprogram my now twisted mind.

I’m starting now, so beware because there’ll be nothing stopping me right now. I know there’ll be setbacks and bad days, but as I previously stated: “Fall 7 times, stand up 8”.

I’ll leave you with a lovely quote, dear readers. It’s from a great site. I hope you enjoy it, and hopefully you’ll subscribe to The Daily Love . It will really start turning your perspective on life around.

Of fashion and body acceptance.

I just came back from yet another high class, fancy ass mall (there are lots of those around my neighborhood). You know the works: 15-year olds wearing oversized bags, m.i.l.f.s EVERYWHERE strutting impeccable bodies covered from head to toe in outfits as if put together by Rachel Zoe and me, Erika wearing old Puma shoes, some ripped (in the groin area) Baby Phat jeans that I’ve owned since 1999 (more like 2005 but whatever) and a not-so-chic “I heart my B.F.” sweatshirt.

Now, I’m a graphic designer whose been interested in fashion ever since I was 13 and wanted to be a high class fashion designer living in Paris or Milan at age 27, (I wrote that on a letter to myself as an assignment in English class) . My career took a different path (a better one) but my interest in fashion has not changed; I even had about 6 albums of pictures I recollected from magazines or newspapers of models, celebrities and fashionistas. I aspired to be one of those girls and used to think that if I closed my eyes, wished really hard and pictured myself being one of those girls, it would eventually come true. I have always been naive to the point where I thought that even though I was 5’3″ tall, by reaching my 20’s I would be the tallest, thinnest and prettiest girl in the world, regardless of my genetic history. The problem was that I was wishing to be somebody else while ignoring and rejecting my current self. Once I realized I wouldn’t reach a 6ft height, a size 0 or have mile long legs, insecurity kicked in. I threw out all of my albums and decided to acknowledge my true self. This is a process I’m still in the middle of and it is not being as easy or as quick as I would have wished it to be.

Two years ago I decided to stop buying celebrity-gossip and fashion related magazines because it did my head no good at all… but about one year ago I ran into an article in a magazine at my boss’ bathroom about fashion bloggers which lead my way back into fashion. So, I started to spend hours, days and weeks going through fashion blogs ever since I decided I wanted to dress better. I decided that in order to become familiarized with trends, designers and the fashion scene without having to buy self-esteem shattering fashion magazines, I would attempt a friendlier approach through fashion blogs.

Little did I know that it would later turn into another not-so-healthy obsession and yet another excuse to feel inferior or unfulfilled. I was going(and still occasionally am) through blogs made by girls my age (or even younger) documenting their fabulously fashionable lives making my own life look as if I lived in a box under a bridge. Like, seriously, what do this fashion bloggers do for a living that they can travel around the world looking every day as if they were headed to a magazine shoot or a catwalk? Where do they get the time or money to look like that every single freaking day of the week? I can’t even manage to not repeat my outfits for the weekend’s special occasions!!! Anyways, so after realizing how this blogs started affecting me negatively, I decided to stop going through them as religiously as I used to and searched for other blogs that would lift my spirits instead of crushing them.

I am really happy I have found this new wave of positive, uplifting, self-love breeding blogs, it has given me so much more and has contributed to my acceptance enormously ; it is constantly reinforcing my self-confidence.

But then, there are days like today where I yearn to have been born with impeccable style and walk nonchalantly amongst a crowd of fashionistas feeling like I belong there.

Naturally, I wanted to go back home and eat the whole fridge and pantry, I detected my intention to eat my feelings of inferiority away. I decided to write a post instead and have a cup of tea. My answer to every crisis is food, so I need to condition myself to release my energy in another way and allow myself to feel :).

I had an epiphany today: being in my design firm is like being in an unhappy marriage. I feel like my calling is living/working abroad, it has always been! I always imagined my job being glamorous and exciting… right now it hasn’t been any of those. I feel as if my whole body is telling me I don’t belong where I am right now, it’s like I’m rejecting it. I need to think things through in order to not make an impulsive decision (as I always do) and come up with a plan and a clearer goal.

I thank this little blog for helping me have a clearer mind.

I leave you with two quotes that fit this post perfectly, by Steve Jobs:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

“So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”