Why I am grateful

You know what, diary? I just binged. I ate a mini brownie, a bolillo, 1/4 of avocado, and lots of Ritz cookies.

But a binge doesn’t define my day.

Waking up at 6 am to exercise does. Waking up with a smile on my face does define my day because there was a time, not long ago when I used to wake up not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed or even go outside. I keep remembering how horrifying and awful that was.

So now, I am grateful for every single day I wake up healthy, happy and looking forward for the day ahead of me.

I am no longer trying to analyse my binges, even though I wish they wouldn’t happen anymore. I am not wasting any more time overanalysing the negative aspects of my day. Because doing so brings more of the same.

Thanking God every single day for waking up.

Being grateful for having health.

Showing gratitude for my job by being of service.

Loving those around me more than I can imagine.

Meditating every single night

Having discipline.

Working hard.

Those things I can focus on and overanalyse. That way, I can keep growing. That way I can keep living.

The power of being grateful

This post’ll be cheesy, I warn you.

Tonight I looked up at the big, bright moon and, for the first time in years, didn’t ask for anything, I only thanked her. For shedding light, for smiling down at us, for it’s mere existence and possession of breathtaking beauty.

Tonight I’m going to sleep without having binged, without having done anything I didn’t want to, without guilt sleeping by my side. This night I realise a process of recovery requires small steps to outnumber setbacks, trips and downfalls.

Tonight I’m choosing to be delighted… and delighted I am.

Honesty and kindness

DESCRIBE CURRENT ERIKA.

Dreamer.

Believer.

Positive Thinker.

Unemployed.

Sedentary.

Consuming up to 4548 calories per day.

Taking her relationship with food one meal at a time.

Sleeps in late.

Stays in her pijamas too much time.

Has plans but doesn’t do them.

Has ideas but doesn’t put them into practice.

Journals but not as much as she would like.

Reads but not as much as she would like.

Spends way too much time on Facebook.

Takes things lightly and leaves them to chance.

Hasn’t manifested as much as she would like.

Doesn’t meditate or quiet her mind.

Doesn’t do yoga.

Stays stuck.

Scared shitless.

Stuck in comfort zone.

Wasting 70% of her time.

Being inspired every day but not doing anything to inspire herself.

Happier than before (much happier).

Aware of how great she can be, but not so sure how to get there.

Still stuck in many nasty habits.

Procrastinates.

Believes in herself more each every day.

Thinks has a lot of time left to figure herself out.

Thinks time is still running and hasn’t achieved much.

Still compares herself to others.

Still judges.

Is TERRIFIED by the mere thought of wearing a bikini.

But accepts her body more than any time before.

Is learning to listen to her intuition.

Hasn’t traveled much.

DESCRIBE ERIKA A YEAR FROM TODAY. 

Achiever.

Believer.

Positive Thinker.

Happily employed.

Active pole dancer, runner and yoga student. 

Doesn’t have to count her calories. She eats calmly and enjoyably. 

Takes the time to do things and is in control of the outcomes of her life. 

Believes in herself.

Keeps her word. 

Knows how to set boundaries. 

Respects herself. 

Doesn’t care about other people’s opinion. 

Taking her relationship with food one day at a time. 

Sleeps in early.

Stays in her pijamas only on occasional lazy Sundays. 

Has plans and follows them.

Has ideas and puts them into practice. 

Journals every night. 

Is an avid reader. 

Barely opens her Facebook.

Manifests her ideas and thoughts. 

Meditates and practices quieting the mind. 

Does yoga. 

Is constantly moving. 

Still feels fear but it doesn’t paralyse her. 

Doesn’t allow herself to fall in her comfort zone. 

Is efficient 80% of the time.

Is inspired every day but most importantly, she inspires herself. 

Happier than before (much more happier). 

Is aware of how great she can be, and knows now how to get there.

Has developed positive habits. 

Is disciplined. 

Believes in herself more each every day.

Thinks has a lot of time left to figure herself out. 

Thinks time is running and keeps achieving much. 

Compares herself to others occasionally. 

Judges less each time. 

Is in her ideal weight. 

Accepts and loves her body more than any time before. 

Wears a bikini confidently. 

Loves and respects herself. 

Practices kindness toward herself every single day. 

Listens to her intuition. 

Yes, beautiful. This is a start. I’m on the right path. Finally. Screen Shot 2012-12-13 at 12.12.40 AM

Paying homage to myself

I’m finally on track, feeling blissful and willing to change.

By focusing on my blessings, I have found myself in a happier and more blissful place. I’ve been doing the 30-day Gratitude Challenge Nicole proposes on her lovely blog, and I am fascinated with it!

It’s amazing how many blessings I have, and every day that passes by, I find myself with more blessings than the day before. The mere fact of having air in my lungs makes me incredibly fortunate.

 

Regarding my body and mind, I am doing better. I am feeding love to my body by exercising, reducing my alcohol intake and talking kindly to it whenever I look in the mirror. I’m in the process of training my mind in order for it to stop associating any apparent problem, stressful situation or anxiety to food. It is not being easy but I enjoy challenges. I am determined to change, so discomfort will constantly be present in order to help me grow.

 

I am choosing to love and respect myself.

Flowing

Oh today!

Today I woke up at 6am and returned to my family club where I did a 1 hr spinning class and an aerobics one afterwards. My return was pretty intense haha, I even felt a little dizzy afterwards! But I enjoyed having finished my workout at 9 am. My mom had to wake me up, I admit it, but the important thing is that I did it and it felt great. I stopped attending those classes because they don’t fulfill me 100% but neither did a lot of other classes, so I have to stop with the excuses and get shit done!!

I’ve been hanging out a lot with a new friend whose energy is entirely different than any of my strong-character kind of friends. She is very similar to me in many ways: we’re both adaptable, kind, funny, distracted and overall nice haha. I have many different friends and social groups, but whenever I try to mix them, it ends up being a disaster. The main problem is that most of them belong to different groups because their strong personalities and character make it impossible to mesh well together. This new acquired friend appeared in my life recently and I don’t think it was a coincidence, I know it is a reflection of how I’m feeling and the self-love I am breeding. She is also helping me realize many things because she listens to me and gives me advice. She is contributing immensely to my self-growth. I wanted to mention her because she’s become so close to me to the point we call each other “twins”. She is 3 years younger than me but appears to be 17 haha. I think she is the first close friend I connected with without sharing weight problems or without pretending to be anything other than me, our relationship flows harmoniously. She is naturally skinny and eats like crazy. But being around her doesn’t make me feel fat or inferior, not even when we go to nightclubs together and she gets hit on constantly. I think that fact also speaks positively about my new built self confidence. Here’s a picture of both of us at a party in her house. We’re the best looking twins ever 😉

On another subject, I have been extremely sensitive with one of my partners who uses “light bullying” to make fun of others, or make people laugh. He is definitely walking evidence of how the way you feel inside reflects how you treat other people. It seems I have been attracting not many positive people into my life, the good thing is that I’m becoming aware and that by changing the relationship towards myself, I’ll be attracting more positive and blissful people. They say that people around us are like mirrors, and I strongly believe there’s a little bit of me in each close friend/partner/family member. And, there’s a lesson I have to learn from each one of them. I think I’m getting there.

I’ll wrap this post up with an amazing quote from my lovely book “Meditations from the mat”.

HE THAT WILL NOT APPLY NEW REMEDIES MUST EXPECT NEW EVILS; FOR TIME IS THE GREATEST INNOVATOR.- Sir Francis Bacon

Inspiration

Ok, so after my pity party post, it’s time for a beautiful inspirational post.

DANCING. The girl that appears at minute 1:00 is my new dancing role model. She dances perfectly! I can see myself moving like her, she looks HOT!

BODY. I used to dream about having Gisele Bundchen’s body until I woke up and realized my figure is more curvy, less model-type. So, these bodies are my inspiration. The girl in the military green bikini and black lingerie is my no. 1 inspiration because I believe we have a similar type of body. The image with a quote on it, is so inspiring I should print it out and carry it around with me. The couple cooking with the girl showing her flat abs is a picture I will eventually imitate and upload into my blog :). Then, there’s me in June 2011. The first photo is unedited while the second one has been slightly photoshopped into what I wanna look like in a bikini. I must work on my abs more. Any exercise suggestions?

 

Avoiding the pain

Living the way I’ve been living this past years has been more like running away from pain, than actually living. Doing things out of certainty have maintained me in a “comfort zone parallel universe” and have kept me from being the best possible version of myself. I consider myself to be an impulsive, impatient person, meaning that I need to obtain immediate results and answers or else, I will quit. And so the story of my life has been written without really being something worth reading about. Now, I’m not saying that my life has been boring and miserable but I think I have so much potential within me that hasn’t been exploited efficiently AND that needs to change. I feel like I finally got where I need to be to turn my life into an amazingly inspiring story.

Writing and reading this is very inspiring but in order for it to become POWERFUL, it must be put into action. The tip of the iceberg (bulimia) is already out of the ocean, so now I must work on what’s been buried out of self-preservation.

Enough writing and analyzing, more doing and realizing.

I must sleep now in order to be productive tomorrow and work on myself effectively.

Thanks for choosing to witness this beautiful growth going on inside me.

Lots of love, Erika.