Why I am grateful

You know what, diary? I just binged. I ate a mini brownie, a bolillo, 1/4 of avocado, and lots of Ritz cookies.

But a binge doesn’t define my day.

Waking up at 6 am to exercise does. Waking up with a smile on my face does define my day because there was a time, not long ago when I used to wake up not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed or even go outside. I keep remembering how horrifying and awful that was.

So now, I am grateful for every single day I wake up healthy, happy and looking forward for the day ahead of me.

I am no longer trying to analyse my binges, even though I wish they wouldn’t happen anymore. I am not wasting any more time overanalysing the negative aspects of my day. Because doing so brings more of the same.

Thanking God every single day for waking up.

Being grateful for having health.

Showing gratitude for my job by being of service.

Loving those around me more than I can imagine.

Meditating every single night

Having discipline.

Working hard.

Those things I can focus on and overanalyse. That way, I can keep growing. That way I can keep living.

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What kept me from bingeing 2

I had a tiny meal (capresse salad) so I was really hungry afterwards and the crazy voice inside said: “this is a perfect excuse to binge!!!”.

I got home, wishing to find something to binge on. I ate an amaranth bar and decided to wash my office tupperware.

Action and energy appliance in other productive, helpful things keeps me out of the cycle. Lisa, you would be proud! 😉

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What kept me from bingeing 1

Today I woke up to 7am spin class and made me incredibly proud.

Today this video kept me from bingeing.

 

I am a HUGE fan of Nadia Aboulhosn fashion blog. It is the first one where a curvy woman struts her stuff confidently and gracefully. On every post she includes an inspiring quote. Thanks Nadia, for showing me what real self-confidence is in a world where skinny is idolised and admired.

Look at her go!

Look at her fierceness! 

The power of being grateful

This post’ll be cheesy, I warn you.

Tonight I looked up at the big, bright moon and, for the first time in years, didn’t ask for anything, I only thanked her. For shedding light, for smiling down at us, for it’s mere existence and possession of breathtaking beauty.

Tonight I’m going to sleep without having binged, without having done anything I didn’t want to, without guilt sleeping by my side. This night I realise a process of recovery requires small steps to outnumber setbacks, trips and downfalls.

Tonight I’m choosing to be delighted… and delighted I am.

Am I a masochist?

It seems like I do every single thing on my power to end up feeling TERRIBLE. I just binged (1 small popcorn, salty cookies with cheese and turkey ham, 1 tortilla and 2 small “sopes” with the same toppings), and stalked a skinny, very beautiful girl on Facebook (someone I wish I could be or look like).

The worst part about all of this, is that, just when I was heading back home from work, I had thought of what I would do at home. The “ideal” options crossed my mind, such as: reading the pile of books next to my bed, exercising, keep working on some stuff I hadn’t finished, pack for my weekend trip, wax my legs, prepare some birthday gifts, etc, etc… But, I chose to stuff my face with food. Even though I know every single tool I can use to avoid binges, I chose to ignore everything and just ate my ass out. During the binge, I don’t even think, I don’t wanna think, and, the worst part is that I don’t wanna listen to the voice that wants to keep me from grabbing the food. I was also thinking of a cute boy I saw at the gym yesterday and assumed that he (or anybody else in that gym) must see me and see an overweight girl, an average girl, nothing worth staring at, no one even worth talking to. That happens to me all the time: cute guy=guy who won’t even notice me. I’ve tried to change that and I struggle to get those thoughts out of my system, but they’re still around and I think I have evidence to support them.

I know this bingeing is a habit, I know it is also a coping mechanism, but most of all, it has become a nasty habit.

I wasn’t going to post this, but not posting these thoughts and actions would make a mockery out of my blog and my recovery.

I feel much better after this, and I need to work with what I can control: the present. I could have kept bingeing, I could have gone to the bathroom and barfed, but I chose to write instead, and I will get out of this, I know it.