Why I am grateful

You know what, diary? I just binged. I ate a mini brownie, a bolillo, 1/4 of avocado, and lots of Ritz cookies.

But a binge doesn’t define my day.

Waking up at 6 am to exercise does. Waking up with a smile on my face does define my day because there was a time, not long ago when I used to wake up not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed or even go outside. I keep remembering how horrifying and awful that was.

So now, I am grateful for every single day I wake up healthy, happy and looking forward for the day ahead of me.

I am no longer trying to analyse my binges, even though I wish they wouldn’t happen anymore. I am not wasting any more time overanalysing the negative aspects of my day. Because doing so brings more of the same.

Thanking God every single day for waking up.

Being grateful for having health.

Showing gratitude for my job by being of service.

Loving those around me more than I can imagine.

Meditating every single night

Having discipline.

Working hard.

Those things I can focus on and overanalyse. That way, I can keep growing. That way I can keep living.

Getting myself back

I decided to read my previous posts all the way back to when I started this blog and, opposite to what I used to read in my old non-virtual journals, I felt EXTREMELY good about myself. I don’t give Erika enough credit for what she does, I forget to be kind to her. Focusing on my negatives comes so easy to me that I tend to overlook my greatness.

Also, today as I was cooking myself some delicious paleo pancakes, I had this epiphany: I focus so much on comparing myself to others and diminishing EVERYTHING about me, that I just stay paralysed and feel sad/do nothing.

I am following TOO MANY beautiful blogs! So many that I barely have time to keep up with reading them and invest time on my (also beautiful) space in the www. I also follow way too many instagram accounts concerning fitness, positivity, inspiring quotes, etc. that I end up looking down on my own progress, work, blog, etc. I end up developing an obsession with everything and set unreachable standards for myself in order to feel badly. I’m a perfectionist so I judge myself too harshly. So, that must stop, I must get out of my way and DO stuff.

My self confidence will be rebuilt by keeping my word, reaching goals and accumulating small successes each and every day. My friend Lisa told me that what I need is “loving discipline” and I think that’s true.

““You will never change your life until you change something you do daily”-M. Murdock

Goals for tomorrow:

  • Wake up at the FIRST alarm sound without pressing the snooze button 
  • Enjoy food, take time to eat
  • Spending only 1 hour on Facebook (this’ll be a tough one)
  • Refrain myself from criticising myself or others
  • Set dates for long-term goals
  • Be kind

    20130403_214356

    My body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what I write down

The power of being grateful

This post’ll be cheesy, I warn you.

Tonight I looked up at the big, bright moon and, for the first time in years, didn’t ask for anything, I only thanked her. For shedding light, for smiling down at us, for it’s mere existence and possession of breathtaking beauty.

Tonight I’m going to sleep without having binged, without having done anything I didn’t want to, without guilt sleeping by my side. This night I realise a process of recovery requires small steps to outnumber setbacks, trips and downfalls.

Tonight I’m choosing to be delighted… and delighted I am.

This is a process

Everything in life is a process, i tend to forget that. I want things to change immediately and to obtain results right away.

On Friday I ate dessert and felt guilty, so I decided to have a very healthy dinner.

On Saturday I had 2 binges: one in the morning, another one at night, after a party I went to.

On Sunday I had a very big, fat binge in the morning while being alone and feeling guilty for the previous binge I had had.

Are you sensing a pattern here?

I wrote what I ate right away and I also wrote my emotions linked to the binges. Both binges led to similar conclusions, but instead of feeling like I had realized something important, I felt incredibly guilty, disappointed and down overall. I decided to take action so I emailed a dear blogger friend who previously suffered from the same ED but is now fully recovered. She said just the right things to me, and gave me powerful insight.

She suggested that I should see the binges as mere setbacks, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up as hardly as I usually do. She also mentioned that when she used to binge and feel guilty about it, that guilt would usually trigger another one. The same exact thing happens to me. Amongst other things she also asked me to analyze which void I am constantly trying to fill with food… I know I have many voids but I can’t point at only one exactly. Another eye-opening thing she said to me, was that by focusing now on losing weight (those 26 pounds) is a way of not accepting myself the way I am right now, of rejecting my current weight, image, etc.

Hating or rejecting my body has been a constant in my life and even though I love it now more than I did a few years ago, I am not fully happy with it yet. In order to lose weight, recover from an ED, etc, I must start with mad love over my body (my entire self, for that matter).

Today I told my mom about the binges, how they happen and why they happen. I mentioned also that I am starting to worry about this binges being EXTREMELY similar to the ones I used to have when I started with bulimia. I realized that because I keep my food journal from 7 years ago, when I was at my lowest personally, physically and emotionally. My mom then came up with the idea of burning that little diary to flames. She said it would be a ritual symbolizing my decision to leave the painful past behind, and moving on. She suggested instead, for me to start a journal with positive quotes, phrases, affirmations and everything positive going on in my life. It will work as a daily reminder of how amazing my life really is, how amazing I am (and can be), and also a way to reprogram my now twisted mind.

I’m starting now, so beware because there’ll be nothing stopping me right now. I know there’ll be setbacks and bad days, but as I previously stated: “Fall 7 times, stand up 8”.

I’ll leave you with a lovely quote, dear readers. It’s from a great site. I hope you enjoy it, and hopefully you’ll subscribe to The Daily Love . It will really start turning your perspective on life around.