Why I am grateful

You know what, diary? I just binged. I ate a mini brownie, a bolillo, 1/4 of avocado, and lots of Ritz cookies.

But a binge doesn’t define my day.

Waking up at 6 am to exercise does. Waking up with a smile on my face does define my day because there was a time, not long ago when I used to wake up not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed or even go outside. I keep remembering how horrifying and awful that was.

So now, I am grateful for every single day I wake up healthy, happy and looking forward for the day ahead of me.

I am no longer trying to analyse my binges, even though I wish they wouldn’t happen anymore. I am not wasting any more time overanalysing the negative aspects of my day. Because doing so brings more of the same.

Thanking God every single day for waking up.

Being grateful for having health.

Showing gratitude for my job by being of service.

Loving those around me more than I can imagine.

Meditating every single night

Having discipline.

Working hard.

Those things I can focus on and overanalyse. That way, I can keep growing. That way I can keep living.

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Oh, there you are!

It had been silent for a while… ok, maybe not silent but very quiet, a week and a half to be exact, and that is a long time, at least to my loud, overly chatty, demanding negative voice. It spoke to me in the morning and said: “Don’t get up, let’s sleep in”, and sleep in I did. At work it also tried to sabotage me, to keep me useless but I chose not to let it take over me and managed to stay productive. I looked in the mirror and it whispered: “you are not pretty” but decided it was not true. It called me lazy and didn’t want me to work out but I worked out anyway. It tried to make me eat more in the afternoon while I was home but I immediately went upstairs to get out of the kitchen. I went downstairs to grab a cup of tea and picked 2 cookies up but only ate one. At night, after the workout I was very hungry and, I chose to have a binge. I hadn’t had one in a long time so why not have it now?.

Thoughts during the binge:

“You are slowing your weight loss process by doing this”

“You are sabotaging yourself yet once again”

“Maybe you like food way too much, maybe being fit isn’t that easy”

“I worked my ass off, I can eat all of this, I’ll just pretend I’m in maintenance”

“Maybe you’re afraid to lose weight or to have a healthy relationship with food”  

“You are only lying to yourself”

“Don’t expect perfection”

And then, I stopped.

This is not a pity post, nor one to victimise myself. This is proof that the negative voice is starting to quiet down. Today I am choosing to forgive myself and have compassion towards me. I listened to it today but its repetitive, hating nature doesn’t go with me.

I am slowly but steadily getting the power back.

My ongoing mind

I didn’t have a traumatic childhood, I don’t have abusive parents, I didn’t suffer any type of physical abuse, yet I became a bulimic.

I don’t know which void within me food tries to fill. It may be an idea I have carved in my brain, or an excuse to keep eating without thinking of the consequences, but what I do know, is that food is on my mind more than I would want it to be.

The fact here is: I love food, I think about it, dream about it and obsess over it constantly. My first day without a binge (this Wednesday), I dreamt that I hid for days in an stranger’s attic, stealing food from them and eating it all alone. If it has gone into my subconscious, it is gonna be harder to get rid of this idea than I thought. BUT, everything is possible, this is only a mere challenge I have accepted and I know I will be triumphant.

I felt like writing because I didn’t binge today, but yesterday I did drank two (sugar-filled) mojitos and felt guilty as hell. Maybe that’s why I ended up coming home and eating one too many cookies with avocado and philadelphia cheese. Guilt triggered the binge. It also had a lot to do with the fact that I ended up going out last night without really wanting to, I gave into peer pressure. I am weird like that, I am more of a staying-at home kind of person, not so much of a party animal. But when I go out, I end up having a blast. The calories that come from alcohol are the ones that make me feel most guilty because I know I can avoid alcoholic beverages without problem.

Even though I didn’t binge, I craved chocolate like crazy about an hour ago. I found an extremely quick and easy recipe to prepare a small molten-chocolate cake (damn you Pinterest!) and whenever I feel like eating something chocolate-y, I prepare it. It only consists of mixing 2 unsweetened cocoa spoons, 1 egg, about 3 spoonfuls of sugar, 1 minute in the oven and voilá! you have a mini molten homemade cake. Today I prepared 2 of those for myself and ate them along with 5 strawberries. I don’t consider it to have been a binge, but I don’t exactly feel good (or proud) either.

So, I did it, I ate those things that won’t exactly contribute to my losing weight goal, but they’re not something to dwell over for days or hours anymore.

From now on I won’t look in the mirror and tell myself how the noticeable overweight is a product of my irresponsible eating. I won’t think about food as something that dominates me, or makes me fat, or makes me anxious. I’m gonna think about food as something that’ll nurture and energize me. I will stop caring about what others may think about my weight or my eating habits. I will savor every bite I eat, I will sit down and make eating a ritual, not an automatic action or a response to anxiety or as an escape route.

This is a training I am going through and I must be patient.