I didn’t have a traumatic childhood, I don’t have abusive parents, I didn’t suffer any type of physical abuse, yet I became a bulimic.
I don’t know which void within me food tries to fill. It may be an idea I have carved in my brain, or an excuse to keep eating without thinking of the consequences, but what I do know, is that food is on my mind more than I would want it to be.
The fact here is: I love food, I think about it, dream about it and obsess over it constantly. My first day without a binge (this Wednesday), I dreamt that I hid for days in an stranger’s attic, stealing food from them and eating it all alone. If it has gone into my subconscious, it is gonna be harder to get rid of this idea than I thought. BUT, everything is possible, this is only a mere challenge I have accepted and I know I will be triumphant.
I felt like writing because I didn’t binge today, but yesterday I did drank two (sugar-filled) mojitos and felt guilty as hell. Maybe that’s why I ended up coming home and eating one too many cookies with avocado and philadelphia cheese. Guilt triggered the binge. It also had a lot to do with the fact that I ended up going out last night without really wanting to, I gave into peer pressure. I am weird like that, I am more of a staying-at home kind of person, not so much of a party animal. But when I go out, I end up having a blast. The calories that come from alcohol are the ones that make me feel most guilty because I know I can avoid alcoholic beverages without problem.
Even though I didn’t binge, I craved chocolate like crazy about an hour ago. I found an extremely quick and easy recipe to prepare a small molten-chocolate cake (damn you Pinterest!) and whenever I feel like eating something chocolate-y, I prepare it. It only consists of mixing 2 unsweetened cocoa spoons, 1 egg, about 3 spoonfuls of sugar, 1 minute in the oven and voilá! you have a mini molten homemade cake. Today I prepared 2 of those for myself and ate them along with 5 strawberries. I don’t consider it to have been a binge, but I don’t exactly feel good (or proud) either.
So, I did it, I ate those things that won’t exactly contribute to my losing weight goal, but they’re not something to dwell over for days or hours anymore.
From now on I won’t look in the mirror and tell myself how the noticeable overweight is a product of my irresponsible eating. I won’t think about food as something that dominates me, or makes me fat, or makes me anxious. I’m gonna think about food as something that’ll nurture and energize me. I will stop caring about what others may think about my weight or my eating habits. I will savor every bite I eat, I will sit down and make eating a ritual, not an automatic action or a response to anxiety or as an escape route.
This is a training I am going through and I must be patient.