Venting time

These past couple of days have felt like Deja vu.

I am back at where I started. I am 28 now. I am unhappily employed. I compare myself to other people and their jobs. I’m a pro at evading. I’m 24 again.

What did my 24 year old self did that got me right back here? She planned and promised but failed to develop either discipline or commitment. She moved from one comfort zone to another. She kept it quiet, not wanting to disturb. She pleased people. She kept herself down by not acknowledging her abilities. She was afraid to shine. She avoided listening to her gut (even though it was screaming out loud).

What is my gut saying right now?

Don’t quit French lessons, you’re doing amazing and it has a purpose, I promise. Keep writing on your blog. Honour yourself by keeping your promises. Develop discipline. Work hard(er). Flee the country.

What would I say to my 24 year old self?

You will travel as much as you wish to (Missouri, NY, Chicago, Paris, London, and multiple times to the beach). The trips will exceed your expectations: reality does beat imagination. You’ll be very happy and unhappy because such is life (but happiness rules most of your life). You’ll learn French and succeed at it. You’ll get closer to real friends and discard the phony ones. You’ll lose 10 pounds in 5 months. You’ll enjoy taking care of yourself. You’ll binge on chocolates… and laughter and love. You’ll face rejection and write about it, and that will help you learn, hence grow. Love, your future, awesome self. “

 

 

 

 

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Why I am grateful

You know what, diary? I just binged. I ate a mini brownie, a bolillo, 1/4 of avocado, and lots of Ritz cookies.

But a binge doesn’t define my day.

Waking up at 6 am to exercise does. Waking up with a smile on my face does define my day because there was a time, not long ago when I used to wake up not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed or even go outside. I keep remembering how horrifying and awful that was.

So now, I am grateful for every single day I wake up healthy, happy and looking forward for the day ahead of me.

I am no longer trying to analyse my binges, even though I wish they wouldn’t happen anymore. I am not wasting any more time overanalysing the negative aspects of my day. Because doing so brings more of the same.

Thanking God every single day for waking up.

Being grateful for having health.

Showing gratitude for my job by being of service.

Loving those around me more than I can imagine.

Meditating every single night

Having discipline.

Working hard.

Those things I can focus on and overanalyse. That way, I can keep growing. That way I can keep living.

The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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The dreaded bikini season.

I believe things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.

But…

Sometimes I don’t understand why I was given this body I am in. It’s easier for me to love my body with clothes on. The issue is when they come off. I can hide imperfections with a dress or a high waisted skirt. I cannot hide my cellulite while wearing a bikini.

When a friend used to invite me to Cabo I DREADED the moment I had to go in the pool: everybody would see how unfit I really was, or try to look away in order not to be disgusted. At times, I would stand in front of the floor to ceiling window that led to the pool, lift my sundress up, look at my reflection and cried in silence. I never knew my ass and legs looked like that underneath the sunlight until I did that. I used to do that every single day as if expecting for it (the orange skin) to disappear overnight. It never did.

To this day I keep hallucinating trips that involve beach or a bikini. Even with those posts I write about loving my body, even by having tried to change role models, even by having stopped buying fashion magazines. I still don’t feel good in a bikini.

Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to attend my brother’s graduation ceremony. My brother mentioned something about a river so we have to bring our bathing suits. My brother is an athlete and his girlfriend has a softball scholarship so they don’t worry about bathing suits or bikini seasons. I get to spend most of my day sitting in front of a desk and haven’t exercised in a week and a half because I just got promoted and am still trying to adjust to the new position.

Yes, I got promoted, I have dated a few Tinder guys and all I can write about is my fear of wearing a bikini in public.

Second part of the post:

But, I choose today to enjoy my trip, enjoy the river, swim, dance, laugh and live just the way I look right now. If I keep worrying about stupid things I will never enjoy life fully. These quotes did the trick today. Now I am off to packing my bags and writing on my gratitude journal.

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Love is the way

I thought I was ready, that is why I called her in the first place. My old nutritionist, that is. And she is a good nutritionist! Her “diet” isn’t strict, everything is allowed in the right amount, in moderate portions. I’m talking flour, sugar, chocolate, everything is allowed. I love her system, I do. But then, while I was eating that last piece of chocolate chip cookie in the morning (even though I was beyond full), I remembered that going to a nutritionist isn’t the solution. Self love is, breeding healthy habits is, listening to my body is, loving my body the way it is today is the answer.

Today I saw an friend of a friend at the mall. He didn’t see me. 2 years ago he lost a LOT of weight, like people didn’t even recognise him afterwards. He lost the weight with the help of a nutritionist and he felt and looked great. I was in awe with his story, I got motivated and decided to try (yet another time) to go to a nutritionist. Months later, I was bingeing and barfing again. Today I saw that man I am talking about and he has gained the weight back again. I don’t think me seeing him was a coincidence. 

The point of this post/story? 

Going back to a nutritionist will help me lose weight quickly but not definitely. Eating consciously and healthily every single day will contribute to build healthy habits for my entire life. 

So, once again, LOVE is ALWAYS the way. 

I like a boy pt. 2

I arrive at the gym with the mentality that he doesn’t like me, that I don’t stand a chance with him. I hop on a treadmill and realize he is 2 treadmills apart, running his butt off. I run 1km and then start doing some weight training. I am aware he’s there, and walk by his treadmill during my circuit but I NEVER make eye contact with him, I walk by him as if he was not there. I look at myself in the mirror and perceive my messy hair, worn off pants, sweat dripping down my face and body. I don’t look as good as I can but I focus on doing my circuit effectively because he is watching from his treadmill, at least that is what I (like to) think. I finish my circuit and hop again, one treadmill away from him. I run even though I feel extremely tired already but, you know, he is right there so I won’t stop. I then remember I’m running for me, not for him so I start cooling down, my body was asking me to. Meanwhile, he finishes his routine, stretches, picks his stuff up, and leaves after turning around and waving goodbye to me.

He probably won’t know, after today, how much I like him and how terrified I am to even look at him.

The photo that made me cry

I have had several pictures taken of me that have not been very flattering but there is always that picture that makes you feel (and look) especially overweight. I have always had my attractiveness measured by my weight. Wrongly done or whatever but that’s the way it’s always been. Anyway, this picture brought me to tears because, officially, this is the fattest I’ve ever been.

And, in a week I have a wedding at the beach. The dreaded bikini time approaches and I couldn’t be more terrified. 😦

 

 

This is a process

Everything in life is a process, i tend to forget that. I want things to change immediately and to obtain results right away.

On Friday I ate dessert and felt guilty, so I decided to have a very healthy dinner.

On Saturday I had 2 binges: one in the morning, another one at night, after a party I went to.

On Sunday I had a very big, fat binge in the morning while being alone and feeling guilty for the previous binge I had had.

Are you sensing a pattern here?

I wrote what I ate right away and I also wrote my emotions linked to the binges. Both binges led to similar conclusions, but instead of feeling like I had realized something important, I felt incredibly guilty, disappointed and down overall. I decided to take action so I emailed a dear blogger friend who previously suffered from the same ED but is now fully recovered. She said just the right things to me, and gave me powerful insight.

She suggested that I should see the binges as mere setbacks, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up as hardly as I usually do. She also mentioned that when she used to binge and feel guilty about it, that guilt would usually trigger another one. The same exact thing happens to me. Amongst other things she also asked me to analyze which void I am constantly trying to fill with food… I know I have many voids but I can’t point at only one exactly. Another eye-opening thing she said to me, was that by focusing now on losing weight (those 26 pounds) is a way of not accepting myself the way I am right now, of rejecting my current weight, image, etc.

Hating or rejecting my body has been a constant in my life and even though I love it now more than I did a few years ago, I am not fully happy with it yet. In order to lose weight, recover from an ED, etc, I must start with mad love over my body (my entire self, for that matter).

Today I told my mom about the binges, how they happen and why they happen. I mentioned also that I am starting to worry about this binges being EXTREMELY similar to the ones I used to have when I started with bulimia. I realized that because I keep my food journal from 7 years ago, when I was at my lowest personally, physically and emotionally. My mom then came up with the idea of burning that little diary to flames. She said it would be a ritual symbolizing my decision to leave the painful past behind, and moving on. She suggested instead, for me to start a journal with positive quotes, phrases, affirmations and everything positive going on in my life. It will work as a daily reminder of how amazing my life really is, how amazing I am (and can be), and also a way to reprogram my now twisted mind.

I’m starting now, so beware because there’ll be nothing stopping me right now. I know there’ll be setbacks and bad days, but as I previously stated: “Fall 7 times, stand up 8”.

I’ll leave you with a lovely quote, dear readers. It’s from a great site. I hope you enjoy it, and hopefully you’ll subscribe to The Daily Love . It will really start turning your perspective on life around.

Of fashion and body acceptance.

I just came back from yet another high class, fancy ass mall (there are lots of those around my neighborhood). You know the works: 15-year olds wearing oversized bags, m.i.l.f.s EVERYWHERE strutting impeccable bodies covered from head to toe in outfits as if put together by Rachel Zoe and me, Erika wearing old Puma shoes, some ripped (in the groin area) Baby Phat jeans that I’ve owned since 1999 (more like 2005 but whatever) and a not-so-chic “I heart my B.F.” sweatshirt.

Now, I’m a graphic designer whose been interested in fashion ever since I was 13 and wanted to be a high class fashion designer living in Paris or Milan at age 27, (I wrote that on a letter to myself as an assignment in English class) . My career took a different path (a better one) but my interest in fashion has not changed; I even had about 6 albums of pictures I recollected from magazines or newspapers of models, celebrities and fashionistas. I aspired to be one of those girls and used to think that if I closed my eyes, wished really hard and pictured myself being one of those girls, it would eventually come true. I have always been naive to the point where I thought that even though I was 5’3″ tall, by reaching my 20’s I would be the tallest, thinnest and prettiest girl in the world, regardless of my genetic history. The problem was that I was wishing to be somebody else while ignoring and rejecting my current self. Once I realized I wouldn’t reach a 6ft height, a size 0 or have mile long legs, insecurity kicked in. I threw out all of my albums and decided to acknowledge my true self. This is a process I’m still in the middle of and it is not being as easy or as quick as I would have wished it to be.

Two years ago I decided to stop buying celebrity-gossip and fashion related magazines because it did my head no good at all… but about one year ago I ran into an article in a magazine at my boss’ bathroom about fashion bloggers which lead my way back into fashion. So, I started to spend hours, days and weeks going through fashion blogs ever since I decided I wanted to dress better. I decided that in order to become familiarized with trends, designers and the fashion scene without having to buy self-esteem shattering fashion magazines, I would attempt a friendlier approach through fashion blogs.

Little did I know that it would later turn into another not-so-healthy obsession and yet another excuse to feel inferior or unfulfilled. I was going(and still occasionally am) through blogs made by girls my age (or even younger) documenting their fabulously fashionable lives making my own life look as if I lived in a box under a bridge. Like, seriously, what do this fashion bloggers do for a living that they can travel around the world looking every day as if they were headed to a magazine shoot or a catwalk? Where do they get the time or money to look like that every single freaking day of the week? I can’t even manage to not repeat my outfits for the weekend’s special occasions!!! Anyways, so after realizing how this blogs started affecting me negatively, I decided to stop going through them as religiously as I used to and searched for other blogs that would lift my spirits instead of crushing them.

I am really happy I have found this new wave of positive, uplifting, self-love breeding blogs, it has given me so much more and has contributed to my acceptance enormously ; it is constantly reinforcing my self-confidence.

But then, there are days like today where I yearn to have been born with impeccable style and walk nonchalantly amongst a crowd of fashionistas feeling like I belong there.

Naturally, I wanted to go back home and eat the whole fridge and pantry, I detected my intention to eat my feelings of inferiority away. I decided to write a post instead and have a cup of tea. My answer to every crisis is food, so I need to condition myself to release my energy in another way and allow myself to feel :).

I had an epiphany today: being in my design firm is like being in an unhappy marriage. I feel like my calling is living/working abroad, it has always been! I always imagined my job being glamorous and exciting… right now it hasn’t been any of those. I feel as if my whole body is telling me I don’t belong where I am right now, it’s like I’m rejecting it. I need to think things through in order to not make an impulsive decision (as I always do) and come up with a plan and a clearer goal.

I thank this little blog for helping me have a clearer mind.

I leave you with two quotes that fit this post perfectly, by Steve Jobs:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

“So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”