The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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The photo that made me cry

I have had several pictures taken of me that have not been very flattering but there is always that picture that makes you feel (and look) especially overweight. I have always had my attractiveness measured by my weight. Wrongly done or whatever but that’s the way it’s always been. Anyway, this picture brought me to tears because, officially, this is the fattest I’ve ever been.

And, in a week I have a wedding at the beach. The dreaded bikini time approaches and I couldn’t be more terrified. 😦

 

 

H A P P I N E S S

Another cheery title for another happy post :).

I just came back from my pole dancing class and I am beyond delighted/ecstatic/overjoyed/perky/you name it, I think it’s pretty clear how much I LOOOVE it. I’ve been doing it for about a month now and each class keeps getting better. It’s like an approach on dancing and since I haven’t found  (or looked for) another dancing class that fills me, this stripper activity is turning out to be a pretty amazing alternative. I highly recommend this exercise. Not only is it fun but it also makes you work your en-ti-re body (I got to realize it by not being able to move the morning after) and it helps to bring out the wild, sexy stripper every woman has inside haha. The acute muscular pain eventually goes away but each class is an opportunity to bruise a different body part. I shall start to work on a weight routine to make my body stronger and fitter.

Soon I’ll be doing an “Archer-Butterfly” this gracefully.

In other news, today is my no barfing anniversary: 6 months without doing it and counting (yayyyy me!!!!) I keep having binges but they don’t happen as often as they used to.

I am very proud of myself and finally acknowledge how huge this achievement is.

Going to bed now, thanks for reading!

Paying homage to myself

I’m finally on track, feeling blissful and willing to change.

By focusing on my blessings, I have found myself in a happier and more blissful place. I’ve been doing the 30-day Gratitude Challenge Nicole proposes on her lovely blog, and I am fascinated with it!

It’s amazing how many blessings I have, and every day that passes by, I find myself with more blessings than the day before. The mere fact of having air in my lungs makes me incredibly fortunate.

 

Regarding my body and mind, I am doing better. I am feeding love to my body by exercising, reducing my alcohol intake and talking kindly to it whenever I look in the mirror. I’m in the process of training my mind in order for it to stop associating any apparent problem, stressful situation or anxiety to food. It is not being easy but I enjoy challenges. I am determined to change, so discomfort will constantly be present in order to help me grow.

 

I am choosing to love and respect myself.

Sunny Wedding-Vacation Saturday

Woke up “early” (for a saturday, that is) -10am- to go to my friend’s wedding dress fitting at 11am. As always, I got there late. We picked a dress for her, and talked about her bachelorette party and the bridesmaids dresses. I’ve realized which nasty habits control me, and I wanna leave them behind. It is gonna take a lot of effort and work, but I think I’m ready and up for it. Some of the things I wanna change about me, or get better at include:

  • Arriving on time to meetings or reunions
  • Being organized
  • Read a book a month
  • Efficiently spend my time
  • Become more disciplined
  • Exercise on a daily basis
  • Love myself more each day
  • Treat myself kindly
  • Set boundaries with people
  • Start pleasing myself, not everybody else
  • Be independent of other people’s opinion
  • Stop being afraid

Many of those things have been in my “to do list” for years now, but now I’m very aware of what I don’t want in my life, and I need to make radical changes.

I ate pretty good today, and I didn’t binge, nor barf. I went to a friend’s house and ate more popcorn than needed, but I the barf thoughts didn’t cross my mind. I ate one and a half piece of pizza and didn’t feel guilty (yuppie!) The being kind to myself thing is really working, it is just what I needed to make my recovery possible.

I took pictures of myself to see the progress I’ve had since February (when I decided i was gonna exercise daily) in my body. I’ve definitely gained weight, and I didn’t keep my word on the exercising part. My pants don’t fit, and I feel a little heavier but, even though my pants fit tighter and my muffin top is slightly bigger, I feel prettier than ever. I’m not saying I wanna stay like this, because I don’t! But I have been this heavy before, and I have been lighter and in my mind I have always felt “fat”, hence I had been stuck  on a vicious circle.  So, right now I am walking, thinking and feeling like the skinny woman I know I am. I have to exercise and eat like that, too.

“Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled “.-Neville Goddard

Love, E.