The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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Instead of “does he like me?”, “Do I like myself?”

So, remember how I talked about the boy I like at the gym? Well, through wise advise from friends and self realisations, I’ve come up with several conclusions that I wanna share.

By wondering if he likes me, if he’ll go to the gym, if he thinks I look good while running, etc., I’ve been giving too much power to what he thinks, and while doing that, I idealised and glorified him. By doing so, I had him on a pedestal and found it impossible to look at him, let alone talk to him.

So, yesterday I chose to shift my perception and not look at him from a crush mindset but rather look at him as any other guy. I dropped the expectations and just let it be. He intervened while I was on the leg press machine and said that I would damage my knees the way I was doing it; he also helped me find some weights and was overall interested in what I was doing in the weight room. I didn’t try to interpret his actions, I just allowed them to happen and it felt so damn good.

And I basically concluded that either he likes me or not, either people approve of me or not, I like and love myself and keep working on it every single day. expectations 2expectations 1

Vicious Cycle

I opened a Graphic Design business over a year ago with 5 friends from college. I was sick of my job, the miserable wage and had just quit to embark on a 1-month long trip with my current boyfriend. To be completely honest, sometimes many times I make decisions out of impulsivity (what a surprise, huh? coming from an emotional eater). Opening a business was one of those things.

I have no accurate recollection of when, why or how I agreed to start a business, sign papers and commit to a “marriage” with 5 other people. Yes, they are my friends but did I want to sign those papers? On the moment, I thought I did. Did I know what I was doing? Certainly not.

Fast forward one year, 3 and a half months later. I am writing a post at 2:02 am on an attempt to understand how I got myself into a situation I can’t seem to get out of. You see, starting a business is not like eating half a box of cookies and then deciding to barf them or to go for a run on the treadmill to avoid a guilt trip afterwards. Eating half a box of cookies is a lousy decision, an impulsive decision, especially when the thing you dread the most is gaining weight. But, even with that dread in mind I have eaten half a box of cookies, hell I have eaten much more than that in a matter of minutes for a LONG time. Making irresponsible decisions and then “erasing” them by fooling everybody (myself included) became a sport. I chose to make the mistakes but desperately tried to avoid the consequences. I got used to it, to “eat whatever I wanted” and still lose the 4 pounds my nutritionist expected me to after giving me a no carbs, no sugar diet. I even realised that by barfing before I went to visit him, my body fat appeared to reduce a large percentage. I was the perfect patient. But the biggest scam was on myself.

So, back to the business part. I decided this week I am definitely not happy working with my friends, working independently. I have had that epiphany many, many times before, maybe even more times than you’ve heard Rihanna’s “We found love” on the radio. I feel like we’re not disciplined, not committed and not hungry enough to make this business a successful one. At first I thought I was being pessimistic but after a year and a half, I know I don’t have yet what it takes to make this business successful. My heart’s not in it, my mind’s not in it and I feel blocked, stuck, frustrated.

On an attempt to save the business, last month I attended some entrepreneurship conferences. I LOVED them and became inspired. On a specific one, I entered a contest to win a scholarship of Professional Assessment for Small Businesses. It turns out I won the scholarship and a consultant visited us today. He interviewed us all and asked us, amongst other things, why we wanted the Assessment, what were our goals, our weaknesses, our strengths, etc. As he kept asking, I kept thinking how much I don’t want to be there, how afraid I am to say it out loud but mainly, how much I don’t know what I want or what I would do instead. My main fear to coming clean to my partners is crushing them and not knowing what I wanna do instead. There is this little voice inside me saying that I shouldn’t keep working there, it has been there the whole time but I have ignored it because I feel the decision will bring pain and conflict.

I also think that in order to change my life drastically and turn it around, I must change my surroundings, my friends, my habits, my current situation. I don’t feel I’m where I’m supposed to be in order to break through. I believe we become the average of the 5 people we spend most time with and I definitely wouldn’t want to turn into any one of my partners.

The fear to tell this to my partners has been paralyzing me but the biggest fear is not knowing what I wanna do with my life next!

I don’t wanna make any impulsive decisions anymore so I have to really think what I want and stop thinking about what everybody else wants.

Gotta go to sleep, it’s 3am now. Thanks for reading!!!