I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

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The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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Oh, there you are!

It had been silent for a while… ok, maybe not silent but very quiet, a week and a half to be exact, and that is a long time, at least to my loud, overly chatty, demanding negative voice. It spoke to me in the morning and said: “Don’t get up, let’s sleep in”, and sleep in I did. At work it also tried to sabotage me, to keep me useless but I chose not to let it take over me and managed to stay productive. I looked in the mirror and it whispered: “you are not pretty” but decided it was not true. It called me lazy and didn’t want me to work out but I worked out anyway. It tried to make me eat more in the afternoon while I was home but I immediately went upstairs to get out of the kitchen. I went downstairs to grab a cup of tea and picked 2 cookies up but only ate one. At night, after the workout I was very hungry and, I chose to have a binge. I hadn’t had one in a long time so why not have it now?.

Thoughts during the binge:

“You are slowing your weight loss process by doing this”

“You are sabotaging yourself yet once again”

“Maybe you like food way too much, maybe being fit isn’t that easy”

“I worked my ass off, I can eat all of this, I’ll just pretend I’m in maintenance”

“Maybe you’re afraid to lose weight or to have a healthy relationship with food”  

“You are only lying to yourself”

“Don’t expect perfection”

And then, I stopped.

This is not a pity post, nor one to victimise myself. This is proof that the negative voice is starting to quiet down. Today I am choosing to forgive myself and have compassion towards me. I listened to it today but its repetitive, hating nature doesn’t go with me.

I am slowly but steadily getting the power back.

Shout out for love

“Now, you can’t just go into the pantry and expect everything to be ok because, chances are, it won’t, it will only get worse”.- That is what I say to myself to talk me into stop bingeing, yet the voice who speaks the truth (the voice of love, that is) seems to be so quiet and laid back I choose to not listen to it.

Yesterday I talked to Lisa and, after my previous post, she helped me get to the bottom of why I criticise myself so harshly. She asked me, amongst many, some very eyeopening questions but, by far, the most striking and shattering ones were:

Do you think you’re surrounded by people who judge enough to feel that it’s ok to critique others?

Could it be that maybe because you judge others so ruthlessly, you feel everyone judges you?

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend most time with”. Definitely the people who surround me are experts at judging… no wonder why I have become one, too. The thing is that I am as much to blame as the people who surround me for being judgemental. The worst part is that I have immersed into negativity, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

Well, fortunately I have guidance and this is what I am aiming for these days:

Enjoying and loving myself exactly how I am right now, not 20 pounds lighter, not with a better job, etc. Getting close to people who go through the same battles I go through so we can support each other and cheer each other up.

Knowing that my natural, healthy weight will find its way when I show love and respect for my temple: my body. I’ve been feeding my negative wolf and starving the positive one. The negative voice LOVES eating compulsively, and judging, and sleeping in, and procrastinating.

Talk about being an expert in the negative field.

Instead of being an expert in criticising, I must focus on lifting others up, on pointing their positive traits and what makes them beautiful (on the inside and out). I’ll see a mirror in them. I’ll do additional journal work, in order to tell myself everything that is beautiful and valuable about me. Feed the loving voice all day long. Say stuff about myself that I love, praise myself, celebrate my inner and outer beauty! BRING THE PRESENCE TO NOW. Quieting the critic, not trying to eliminate it. Don’t allow hate to take over. Recognise it and stop!

This week I’ve been trying and have realised how much work I still have to do.

Recognise the love within and expand it, spread it.

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Reasons why I binge eat

Ok, I stopped barfing, ok, it’s a HUGE step in recovery, I know it, I’m proud of myself for it. But, what about my relationship with food? It’s still not good. I didn’t think this through, I thought that by quitting the most hurtful and violent act towards myself, everything would be ok. I didn’t think it would take this long for me to stop the bingeing. And, by barfing everything I used to binge on before, gave me instant gratification: I could “remove” the consequences… at least that’s what I thought. I was so wrong but it seemed like an easy thing to do. No pain involved, I swallowed it and then threw it all out.

It also has a lot to do with the fact that I have dieted ever since I can remember. In my head, eating a chocolate is, like the worst thing ever, so is eating pizza or any junk food. Maybe I shouldn’t be analysing my past, maybe that’s why I stay stuck.

I wanna point out the possible reasons why I binge today.

  • Out of habit.
  • Out of guilt: whenever I feel badly about eating something, or not eating “perfectly”, I will most certainly binge.
  • Drinking munchies: whenever I get home late, either drunk or not, I think: I have the whole kitchen to myself! so I do some bingeing.
  • Not dancing: Through dance I free my mind and body, I feel bliss, it’s my therapy. I’m not currently dancing, so…
  • Feeling stressed.
  • Not liking myself right now.
  • Finding fault in mostly everything I do.
  • Analysing my binges over and over again (it’s easier).

I am aware I sound like a broken record, I am aware the solutions are in my power yet I keep having self-destructive behaviours… Why, Erika, WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Because doing things differently will cause me pain and challenges.

 

Am I a masochist?

It seems like I do every single thing on my power to end up feeling TERRIBLE. I just binged (1 small popcorn, salty cookies with cheese and turkey ham, 1 tortilla and 2 small “sopes” with the same toppings), and stalked a skinny, very beautiful girl on Facebook (someone I wish I could be or look like).

The worst part about all of this, is that, just when I was heading back home from work, I had thought of what I would do at home. The “ideal” options crossed my mind, such as: reading the pile of books next to my bed, exercising, keep working on some stuff I hadn’t finished, pack for my weekend trip, wax my legs, prepare some birthday gifts, etc, etc… But, I chose to stuff my face with food. Even though I know every single tool I can use to avoid binges, I chose to ignore everything and just ate my ass out. During the binge, I don’t even think, I don’t wanna think, and, the worst part is that I don’t wanna listen to the voice that wants to keep me from grabbing the food. I was also thinking of a cute boy I saw at the gym yesterday and assumed that he (or anybody else in that gym) must see me and see an overweight girl, an average girl, nothing worth staring at, no one even worth talking to. That happens to me all the time: cute guy=guy who won’t even notice me. I’ve tried to change that and I struggle to get those thoughts out of my system, but they’re still around and I think I have evidence to support them.

I know this bingeing is a habit, I know it is also a coping mechanism, but most of all, it has become a nasty habit.

I wasn’t going to post this, but not posting these thoughts and actions would make a mockery out of my blog and my recovery.

I feel much better after this, and I need to work with what I can control: the present. I could have kept bingeing, I could have gone to the bathroom and barfed, but I chose to write instead, and I will get out of this, I know it.

H A P P I N E S S

Another cheery title for another happy post :).

I just came back from my pole dancing class and I am beyond delighted/ecstatic/overjoyed/perky/you name it, I think it’s pretty clear how much I LOOOVE it. I’ve been doing it for about a month now and each class keeps getting better. It’s like an approach on dancing and since I haven’t found  (or looked for) another dancing class that fills me, this stripper activity is turning out to be a pretty amazing alternative. I highly recommend this exercise. Not only is it fun but it also makes you work your en-ti-re body (I got to realize it by not being able to move the morning after) and it helps to bring out the wild, sexy stripper every woman has inside haha. The acute muscular pain eventually goes away but each class is an opportunity to bruise a different body part. I shall start to work on a weight routine to make my body stronger and fitter.

Soon I’ll be doing an “Archer-Butterfly” this gracefully.

In other news, today is my no barfing anniversary: 6 months without doing it and counting (yayyyy me!!!!) I keep having binges but they don’t happen as often as they used to.

I am very proud of myself and finally acknowledge how huge this achievement is.

Going to bed now, thanks for reading!

Birthday fuss

I turned 25 last Tuesday (September 18th). I had lychee curry chicken to die for (along with jasmine iced-tea, pink wine and chocolate cake), watched TED in the movies and got to hear my family sing Happy Birthday to me while I blew a big-ass improvised candle.

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The secret to a very happy birthday? Trust, let it flow, be with the ones I love, love myself before all.

I used to worry about everyone having a good time, about people wanting to celebrate with me, about uploading the perfect Facebook pictures displaying how fabulous it is to turn 25, etc. and stopped worrying about the most important element in my birthdays: me. This year, the people who wanted to be with me were there and the ones who didn’t, weren’t. No expectations = no disappointments.

I received an extra special present from a very dear friend. She wrote me the sweetest letter in the world! Seriously, her words have made me so happy I’ve been re-reading it every single day. I told her about my blog so it means she’s the first friend to care enough to read my darkest thoughts, fears and insecurities. Not only does she read me but she took the time to go through my archives and understand my whole recovery process. I’ve shown my blog to 2 other friends who I’m sure haven’t kept reading.

Back to the present then: she gave me a letter, a book and a “love kit” (nothing sexual, you dirty little minds). The letter explained how proud she is of me and how she thinks I am an amazing person and how much potential I haven’t exploited, amongst other things. This friend is very blunt and sincere so I know everything she wrote isn’t BS. If you are reading, M, thank you and know that I love you deeply. The “love kit” included a body lotion, an aromatherapy soap, an exfoliant (!!!!!!) and body butter. She explained that she had given me all those things to pamper and honour my body, to love it right now, the way it is and acknowledge it (yes, my friend is THAT awesome). The cherry on top was Caroline Myss’ book entitled “Anatomy of the Spirit”. She claimed to have devoured it and loved it so she knew I would enjoy it too. I began reading it on Sunday and am loving it. I’ll write more about it as I keep reading.

So, judging by how great this quarter of a century started, I can assure it’ll be a good one; not in a clichéd way but in an authentic one. I know I am becoming stronger to make things happen, instead of waiting (or wishing) for them to happen.


Paying homage to myself

I’m finally on track, feeling blissful and willing to change.

By focusing on my blessings, I have found myself in a happier and more blissful place. I’ve been doing the 30-day Gratitude Challenge Nicole proposes on her lovely blog, and I am fascinated with it!

It’s amazing how many blessings I have, and every day that passes by, I find myself with more blessings than the day before. The mere fact of having air in my lungs makes me incredibly fortunate.

 

Regarding my body and mind, I am doing better. I am feeding love to my body by exercising, reducing my alcohol intake and talking kindly to it whenever I look in the mirror. I’m in the process of training my mind in order for it to stop associating any apparent problem, stressful situation or anxiety to food. It is not being easy but I enjoy challenges. I am determined to change, so discomfort will constantly be present in order to help me grow.

 

I am choosing to love and respect myself.

Flowing

Oh today!

Today I woke up at 6am and returned to my family club where I did a 1 hr spinning class and an aerobics one afterwards. My return was pretty intense haha, I even felt a little dizzy afterwards! But I enjoyed having finished my workout at 9 am. My mom had to wake me up, I admit it, but the important thing is that I did it and it felt great. I stopped attending those classes because they don’t fulfill me 100% but neither did a lot of other classes, so I have to stop with the excuses and get shit done!!

I’ve been hanging out a lot with a new friend whose energy is entirely different than any of my strong-character kind of friends. She is very similar to me in many ways: we’re both adaptable, kind, funny, distracted and overall nice haha. I have many different friends and social groups, but whenever I try to mix them, it ends up being a disaster. The main problem is that most of them belong to different groups because their strong personalities and character make it impossible to mesh well together. This new acquired friend appeared in my life recently and I don’t think it was a coincidence, I know it is a reflection of how I’m feeling and the self-love I am breeding. She is also helping me realize many things because she listens to me and gives me advice. She is contributing immensely to my self-growth. I wanted to mention her because she’s become so close to me to the point we call each other “twins”. She is 3 years younger than me but appears to be 17 haha. I think she is the first close friend I connected with without sharing weight problems or without pretending to be anything other than me, our relationship flows harmoniously. She is naturally skinny and eats like crazy. But being around her doesn’t make me feel fat or inferior, not even when we go to nightclubs together and she gets hit on constantly. I think that fact also speaks positively about my new built self confidence. Here’s a picture of both of us at a party in her house. We’re the best looking twins ever 😉

On another subject, I have been extremely sensitive with one of my partners who uses “light bullying” to make fun of others, or make people laugh. He is definitely walking evidence of how the way you feel inside reflects how you treat other people. It seems I have been attracting not many positive people into my life, the good thing is that I’m becoming aware and that by changing the relationship towards myself, I’ll be attracting more positive and blissful people. They say that people around us are like mirrors, and I strongly believe there’s a little bit of me in each close friend/partner/family member. And, there’s a lesson I have to learn from each one of them. I think I’m getting there.

I’ll wrap this post up with an amazing quote from my lovely book “Meditations from the mat”.

HE THAT WILL NOT APPLY NEW REMEDIES MUST EXPECT NEW EVILS; FOR TIME IS THE GREATEST INNOVATOR.- Sir Francis Bacon

Coming clean

Today I came clean to my mom about it all. She had lived with the idea that I stopped binging and barfing 6 years ago, that the problem only lasted a few months and that it all had stopped there. Well, I told her the truth today and she cried, but my reaction to her tears wasn’t the same one I had 7 years ago when I first told her I had bulimia.

Back then, I thought Bulimia was an ugly disease that I could manage to overcome with the help of therapy and will power in a matter of months. Little did I know that it would become my shelter for 7 years and that the only one who could help me overcome it was myself.

I decided to tell her not to obtain compassion or to blame her for my problems, but to let her know that I am ready to leave the disease (and everything that comes along with it) behind. I am stronger now than I was 7 years ago, I am kinder to myself and I am breeding self love day by day. But I still have days where I feel down and unwilling to do anything that nurtures me, like today. That is why this silence about my 7-year old disease was feeling like a heavier burden each passing hour, day, week, month…

By telling my mom about it, I feel like a weight fell off my shoulders. She is the most important person in the world to me, and knows me better than myself, and I can tell that she suffers by seeing me suffering and depressed. Whatever she does and has done is only for us, her love is the most unconditional one I have received. I came clean because I felt like it was an important step of recovery. Maybe  I wasn’t sure before doing it, but right after I told her we had a long talk and now I feel really really good.

Love, Erika

The mind is a beautiful tool…

…when used properly.

July is here and today I celebrate my 3 month anniversary of no-barfing. I couldn’t be happier!!!!! 🙂

I really felt like updating my blog today because I’m feeling incredibly good and powerful and wanted to share it with you readers.

I have been working on some goals because in order to define where I’m going next, I must have small achievable goals each month to get me where I’m supposed to be next. So far the only goal I’ve achieved has been no barfing. I have 6 goals for this month:

1. Reading 3 chapters of “Meditations from the Mat” each week

2. Sleeping at 11:30pm

3. No binging

4. Reduce my refined sugar intake significantly

5. Exercise 5 times a week

6. Going in the opposite direction fear tries taking me

Maybe I’ll add another goal each week, I know I can do many more things, but I’ll work on this ones right now. Writing them in my little blog will make me work harder on them.

Lately I’ve found out about a lot of people around me doing extremely good, living in abundance, and having great things happening to them, so I am aware abundance is infinite and every one of us deserves to experience it.

I’ll leave you with this, I must admit I’m a sucker for quotes.

Now I wanna share a little piece of my abundance: me with some friends catching up :). Besides, a post with pictures is always prettier.

 

Love, Erika