I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

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Positive change program, week 1

Cauldrons and Cupcakes’ Nicole is inviting anyone who wants to change, to join an eight week program she designed. I tried her Gratitude Challenge in the past and really felt happier afterwards so, naturally, when I read about this new program I knew I had to try it. You can check her blog out for more details.

I’m going to do this on my blog in order to get accountability and to spread positive and loving change!!! Also, to motivate myself through this platform :).

The first step is writing this affirmation down:

Dear Universe,

All of my life I have wanted to move in this new direction. I have felt it calling me, I have felt it just beyond my reach, although I have not always been able to clearly define that place or what it might mean for me.

I have always known that I was destined for more – being more, loving more, sharing more, having more.

Although I am uncertain, although I still cannot name all the changes I desire, my heart is open to them if they be for my Highest Good.

Today I honour my yearning for change, and I offer it up to you,trusting that I will be guided to discover the next steps, that I will be drawn to inspiration and opportunity, and that I can create a life for myself which is more expansive, more aligned to my purpose, more in flow.

My commitment to you is that for the next 8 weeks (and beyond) I am willing to explore and open to the possibilities of change, and to celebrate the many Blessings I already enjoy.

With love and gratitude, Erika. 

The next step is writing 3 blessings in my life:

Today I am thankful for exercising because after every hard workout I feel like the sexiest, happiest, most powerful woman alive (even though I may not look like it haha).

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I am thankful for getting to see my best friend every day of the week, act silly with him and laugh till my belly aches.

Me and Manu being silly on a rearview mirror...

Me and Manu being silly on a rearview mirror…

I am thankful for having a friend who is going through the same path, motivates me and allows me to motivate her every single day.

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And last but not least:

I choose ABUNDANCE.

Thanks for reading and witnessing my loving change 😉 .

The perfect post

I’ve been planning to do a perfect post to write but they all end up at the Draft folder… I take forever to write a post, I judge my writing and blog too hard. I have also started comparing my own little writing space to other blogs I follow so I have decided to stop that and just keep using this to vent.

I have very good things going for me right now, I’ve been in the best mood and gratefulness has got EVERYTHING to do with it.

I’ve been going to the gym at least 4 times a week. I’ve been doing weight training  2 times a week, even when there are just men in that area and even though I feel I’m the most unfit there. But this time I am using my lack of fitness as motivation and drive to keep going, to keep working my butt off. I have come to realise that the effort you put onto something, creates matching results. I had never tried being constant at the gym before so I kept feeling disencouragement that only led to stop exercising and eating recklessly.

Not as awkward as I would have imagined self-picture… or maybe a bit.

I have become one of those people who take pictures of themselves at the gym (always have wanted to be one!) so what better place than my blog to show it?

I don’t have a perfect body (or booty) but I love it because this beauty takes me all sort of places, functions perfectly well, does spinning, runs 5km and efficiently exercises 4 times a week. This is also a portrait of a no longer bingeing body :).

A different approach

  • 4 large cookies
  • 7 Reese’s buttercups
  • Potato chips with creamy dressing
  • A big plate of pasta
  • Steamed rice with philadelphia cheese, avocado, surimi, chipotle creamy sauce and soy sauce.
  • A piece of chocolate cake

I felt quite guilty, quite heavy while eating everything in a period of 3 hours during the night.

Today I choose to be grateful of this binge to remind me that I keep trying to fill a void, and to see that I need to work harder on myself in order to know that I deserve a binge-free, self-loving life.

I deserve only the best. I deserve my love and respect. I deserve to listen to my inner loving voice. I deserve to take care of my whole beautiful self. I deserve to work hardly and consistently on myself to develop positive habits. I deserve to love me. I deserve to take care of me. I deserve happiness and peace. I deserve discipline.

Weekend beauties

Even though I suffered when it was time to go down to the pool because it meant my friends and other people would get to see me in a bikini, this weekend had some excellent moments that need to be savoured and remembered. Maybe if I choose to concentrate on the brightness and beauty of moments and things, I will be able to change my life permanently.

I traveled to Acapulco to a friend’s wedding and got to be a bridesmaid along with 4 other friends. I rented an apartment with 3 of my closest friends and we had a blast: everything flowed harmoniously, we laughed hysterically all weekend long, we played lots of games, drank wine, swam, ate only when hungry and enjoyed our time together. I tend to not take many pictures because maybe I’ll look fat in them but end up regretting that choice later. It’s amazing how much my overweight paralyses and stops me from doing things. What I am sure of, is that I have to learn something from this obsession with food, I need to listen to what this problem is trying to tell me. Encouraged and guided by my coach Lisa, I have been doing some journaling and it has helped me ENORMOUSLY. She explained me that I have 2 voices in my head: A (Adversary) and B (Beautiful). The B voice talks from a place of love, always, always and accepts and loves Erika no matter what. The A voice is loud, demanding and negative. I have been listening to that voice for the longest time so now I write a dialogue between the 2 voices in order to help my B voice become stronger and able to quiet the negative voice down. I went through my journals today and decided to remind myself of all the beautiful thoughts and arguments that have come from my B voice. So here it comes.

Dear Erika:

Remember to always be kind to yourself and love every bit of you. You are more than aware that you are the result of your thinking. All of those thoughts and words you’ve been telling yourself for years have taken you to where you are right now, so be patient and remember that only conscious and constant work will help you change your words, actions and behaviour, and it’ll take time. Your fear of being judged, rejected and questioned has led you to eat and ease the pain, you have built a shield. What you are right now is a result of self-induced abuse but you know better now and won’t let that happen anymore. You have finally decided to change but you’re still learning so don’t judge yourself, just love and respect yourself during the process. Your weight is here to show you that you are much more than a body; looks don’t transcend, your mind, heart and soul do, so nurture them. Concentrate on what is inside you, not outside. Think of what causes you to eat your words and your desires. Stop feeding what keeps you shielded and protected, it doesn’t allow you to change, it doesn’t want you to change but you do. Acknowledge, embrace and love the entirety of you, stop judging you. Enjoy your healthy body by taking care of it, exercising it, nurturing it, respecting and being grateful for it. Surround yourself with positive activities and positive people. Read, write on your journal and blog, live in the present, prioritise, let yourself grow and stop avoiding it. Don’t give into fear, always choose to face it and go in the opposite direction it tries taking you. Food isn’t alive, you are, food doesn’t have a voice, you do, food isn’t the boss of you, you are the boss of you, food is fuel for your body, let it be that. Remember comparison is the thief of joy, so stop comparing yourself to others. Remember to ALWAYS love yourself first. 

My ongoing mind

I didn’t have a traumatic childhood, I don’t have abusive parents, I didn’t suffer any type of physical abuse, yet I became a bulimic.

I don’t know which void within me food tries to fill. It may be an idea I have carved in my brain, or an excuse to keep eating without thinking of the consequences, but what I do know, is that food is on my mind more than I would want it to be.

The fact here is: I love food, I think about it, dream about it and obsess over it constantly. My first day without a binge (this Wednesday), I dreamt that I hid for days in an stranger’s attic, stealing food from them and eating it all alone. If it has gone into my subconscious, it is gonna be harder to get rid of this idea than I thought. BUT, everything is possible, this is only a mere challenge I have accepted and I know I will be triumphant.

I felt like writing because I didn’t binge today, but yesterday I did drank two (sugar-filled) mojitos and felt guilty as hell. Maybe that’s why I ended up coming home and eating one too many cookies with avocado and philadelphia cheese. Guilt triggered the binge. It also had a lot to do with the fact that I ended up going out last night without really wanting to, I gave into peer pressure. I am weird like that, I am more of a staying-at home kind of person, not so much of a party animal. But when I go out, I end up having a blast. The calories that come from alcohol are the ones that make me feel most guilty because I know I can avoid alcoholic beverages without problem.

Even though I didn’t binge, I craved chocolate like crazy about an hour ago. I found an extremely quick and easy recipe to prepare a small molten-chocolate cake (damn you Pinterest!) and whenever I feel like eating something chocolate-y, I prepare it. It only consists of mixing 2 unsweetened cocoa spoons, 1 egg, about 3 spoonfuls of sugar, 1 minute in the oven and voilá! you have a mini molten homemade cake. Today I prepared 2 of those for myself and ate them along with 5 strawberries. I don’t consider it to have been a binge, but I don’t exactly feel good (or proud) either.

So, I did it, I ate those things that won’t exactly contribute to my losing weight goal, but they’re not something to dwell over for days or hours anymore.

From now on I won’t look in the mirror and tell myself how the noticeable overweight is a product of my irresponsible eating. I won’t think about food as something that dominates me, or makes me fat, or makes me anxious. I’m gonna think about food as something that’ll nurture and energize me. I will stop caring about what others may think about my weight or my eating habits. I will savor every bite I eat, I will sit down and make eating a ritual, not an automatic action or a response to anxiety or as an escape route.

This is a training I am going through and I must be patient.