The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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What kept me from bingeing 1

Today I woke up to 7am spin class and made me incredibly proud.

Today this video kept me from bingeing.

 

I am a HUGE fan of Nadia Aboulhosn fashion blog. It is the first one where a curvy woman struts her stuff confidently and gracefully. On every post she includes an inspiring quote. Thanks Nadia, for showing me what real self-confidence is in a world where skinny is idolised and admired.

Look at her go!

Look at her fierceness! 

A year in recovery

Today WordPress announced my blog is 1 year old. That means I have not barfed and have been working on my beautiful self for a WHOLE YEAR. I still have a long way to go, I thought this recovery thing was easy but it’s not. It isn’t as hard as I would have thought either but it does require constant work and effort. I couldn’t have done any progress without this blog and all the otherworldly help I’ve received. I thank you all who read me, give me feedback and those who also write beautifully, thank you, too. Your blogs inspire me on a daily basis, so do your lives. I hope I can keep inspiring myself and others along the way with my little writing space.

I am extremely proud of myself and I wanted to share it with whoever is reading. Thank you, thank you, thank youuuu!

My promises to myself are to keep working harder in everything I do, and to love myself along the way (ups and downs included).

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Paying homage to myself

I’m finally on track, feeling blissful and willing to change.

By focusing on my blessings, I have found myself in a happier and more blissful place. I’ve been doing the 30-day Gratitude Challenge Nicole proposes on her lovely blog, and I am fascinated with it!

It’s amazing how many blessings I have, and every day that passes by, I find myself with more blessings than the day before. The mere fact of having air in my lungs makes me incredibly fortunate.

 

Regarding my body and mind, I am doing better. I am feeding love to my body by exercising, reducing my alcohol intake and talking kindly to it whenever I look in the mirror. I’m in the process of training my mind in order for it to stop associating any apparent problem, stressful situation or anxiety to food. It is not being easy but I enjoy challenges. I am determined to change, so discomfort will constantly be present in order to help me grow.

 

I am choosing to love and respect myself.

Coming clean

Today I came clean to my mom about it all. She had lived with the idea that I stopped binging and barfing 6 years ago, that the problem only lasted a few months and that it all had stopped there. Well, I told her the truth today and she cried, but my reaction to her tears wasn’t the same one I had 7 years ago when I first told her I had bulimia.

Back then, I thought Bulimia was an ugly disease that I could manage to overcome with the help of therapy and will power in a matter of months. Little did I know that it would become my shelter for 7 years and that the only one who could help me overcome it was myself.

I decided to tell her not to obtain compassion or to blame her for my problems, but to let her know that I am ready to leave the disease (and everything that comes along with it) behind. I am stronger now than I was 7 years ago, I am kinder to myself and I am breeding self love day by day. But I still have days where I feel down and unwilling to do anything that nurtures me, like today. That is why this silence about my 7-year old disease was feeling like a heavier burden each passing hour, day, week, month…

By telling my mom about it, I feel like a weight fell off my shoulders. She is the most important person in the world to me, and knows me better than myself, and I can tell that she suffers by seeing me suffering and depressed. Whatever she does and has done is only for us, her love is the most unconditional one I have received. I came clean because I felt like it was an important step of recovery. Maybe  I wasn’t sure before doing it, but right after I told her we had a long talk and now I feel really really good.

Love, Erika

Avoiding the pain

Living the way I’ve been living this past years has been more like running away from pain, than actually living. Doing things out of certainty have maintained me in a “comfort zone parallel universe” and have kept me from being the best possible version of myself. I consider myself to be an impulsive, impatient person, meaning that I need to obtain immediate results and answers or else, I will quit. And so the story of my life has been written without really being something worth reading about. Now, I’m not saying that my life has been boring and miserable but I think I have so much potential within me that hasn’t been exploited efficiently AND that needs to change. I feel like I finally got where I need to be to turn my life into an amazingly inspiring story.

Writing and reading this is very inspiring but in order for it to become POWERFUL, it must be put into action. The tip of the iceberg (bulimia) is already out of the ocean, so now I must work on what’s been buried out of self-preservation.

Enough writing and analyzing, more doing and realizing.

I must sleep now in order to be productive tomorrow and work on myself effectively.

Thanks for choosing to witness this beautiful growth going on inside me.

Lots of love, Erika.

Out of my comfort zone

So, right now I’m craving chocolate like crazy, and have been tempted like 4 times to go downstairs and grab anything that resembles chocolate in my larder… BUT, I decided to write in my blog instead. I am also becoming a fan of a french graphic designer who does remarkable work  and I’m doing that by surfing through his blog . I don’t think I had mentioned it before, but I am a graphic designer and own my own Graphic Design business along with 4 partners. I love finding inspiring work on the web, I could go through graphic design blogs all day long. It’s not precisely productive but I believe inspiration triggers my creativity. Also, this blog is all written in French, so that way my approach with the language I’ve had a crush on since forever, becomes more personal.

Today I decided I would not eat outside with my partners because we’ve been eating at this italian place where the food is delicious, but highly caloric and expensive. I decided this morning I would not eat outside in order to save calories and money. Meal time came and I kept my word even though my partners tried to push me to go eat with them. It sounds like an insignificant situation or act, but it was a big deal to me! I managed to do what I wanted without letting myself become influenced by their will.

I think the only way to lead a happy life is allowing myself to stay out of my comfort zone in a gentle manner. I read this article Serena Dyer wrote about living doing what you love and felt connected and at ease.

Right now I’m getting my ass to the gym even though I’ve been going through excuses in my head on why I shouldn’t work out today.

I’m posting two pictures of myself even though I’m embarrassed to do so. I don’t have the fit body I’ve been visualizing myself in for years and by creating a picture archive, I’ll be able to realize if my mental and physical work are being enough to reach my goal body. I won’t be following any diet but I will: enjoy my meals, take time to eat slowly, eat small portions, eat as healthy as possible and exercise on a daily basis. I love myself and I deserve to treat my body as a temple.

This pictures display gets me out of my comfort zone, too. So, hello discomfort! I ain’t afraid no more 🙂

Thanks for reading, lovelies.

Lots of love, Erika