Not ok

Even though I’m swimming almost daily, even though I write on my Gratitude Journal every night, even though I am happily employed I find myself in the same place where I’ve been before. Food is my barometer, to see if I am ok or not. My desire to lose weight hasn’t disappeared and I think it never will. I admire fit people and fantasize over wearing clothes and walking about 30 pounds lighter. ┬áThe habit to eat compulsively hasn’t died yet, and sometimes I don’t know if I want it to.

Now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to telling myself:

You can and you will unlearn the habit of eating compulsively and turning to food when stressed, sad or anxious. You are powerful beyond belief. You are your own master, not food or anything else. I love you and always will. Let’s go to sleep, tomorrow is a new day.

The power of self-compassion will never cease to amaze and heal me.

 

Advertisements

Every thought I think is creating my future.

I started this blog with the intention of taking control of my life and to have a record of my journey through recovery. Well, I think the Universe has conspired with me and I have been finding the right tools to lead me there. So far I haven’t barfed and I intend to go on like that.

How different has my life been ever since I stopped barfing? It hasn’t changed drastically but I do think that I am becoming more conscious of how I treat my body and my whole-entire self. My body and mind have gone through so much self-hate and self-hurt that they now fluctuate between positive and negative habits/thoughts. Some days I feel lost, others I feel like I know exactly where I am going and the worst (and most common) ones are those where I feel adrift. I once read that bulimia, amongst other reasons, is a disease that comes from eating hiding ones thoughts, emotions and feelings and that totally applies to me. My whole life I have been avoiding confrontation, making anyone angry or upset so, naturally I choose to take the “high” way and eat my accumulated anxiety away. Well, that ugly habit I’ve been dragging has been backfiring now more than ever, I have become an expert in hiding what I feel or think out of fear of confrontation, rejection or upsetting people and it is not bringing any positive results.

What do I intend to do in this blog? Vent and be aware of what goes on in my mind so I can consciously change my life into a happier one. Well, that transformation is already taking place, I just need to work on everything that keeps me from exploiting my full potential. I haven’t been doing it alone, as I mentioned earlier, the Universe has been conspiring with me to reach recovery. About 2 weeks ago, I received a comment on a post from awesome Cyndee of The Gangy Buffet offering to coach me into a happier and healthier existence. Well, to me that is living proof that the Universe does conspire with you if you are willing to change your life. What were the odds of Cyn finding this little, almost underground blog and deciding to coach me!? They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears and now I know I’m ready.

Thank you, reader, you make a difference every single day of my life and contribute to my recovery significantly.

Lots of love and peace your way!!!!

Erika