Is reaching out for a Nutella jar the same thing as reaching out for a bottle of Vodka?

I know opening up a jar of Nutella alone in the dining room is not healthy… neither is adding 3 spoons of sugar to my coffee. Food is still on my mind longer than I would like it to be.

I need loving action and loving discipline to rule my life, not food… or action around food. Currently I’ve been very stressed at work, not sleeping well, not going to the gym, eating out, dining out, so my habits have been all over the place. I do try to fit vegetables in, and tea instead of coffee but I keep sneaking sugar, chocolate, alcohol and coffee more than I would need in order to reach a healthier lifestyle.

But I am trying every single day, and the process isn’t perfect, nor will it ever be.

This post is to remind me that beating myself up about eating more than I need to will not get me anywhere: loving myself will, respecting myself will, being grateful for myself will, celebrating my successes will and TAKING action will.

I wanted to do this post for a while now but was kind of ashamed of showing myself off like this. But, this blog is not only to inspire other people but to inspire myself too.

I am posting pictures of the progress I’ve had throughout a year. I didn’t do any diets nor did I focus on eating less or on counting calories. I simply worked on loving myself more, on exercising regularly and enjoying my food and my body. I got into weightlifting and tried not to miss gym sessions (against my mind’s will, many times).

I didn’t weigh myself or anything, I only focused on my progress pictures. I am inspired by this progress. I hope you are too.

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Will you help me hold myself accountable?

Thanks for reading 🙂

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Am I a masochist?

It seems like I do every single thing on my power to end up feeling TERRIBLE. I just binged (1 small popcorn, salty cookies with cheese and turkey ham, 1 tortilla and 2 small “sopes” with the same toppings), and stalked a skinny, very beautiful girl on Facebook (someone I wish I could be or look like).

The worst part about all of this, is that, just when I was heading back home from work, I had thought of what I would do at home. The “ideal” options crossed my mind, such as: reading the pile of books next to my bed, exercising, keep working on some stuff I hadn’t finished, pack for my weekend trip, wax my legs, prepare some birthday gifts, etc, etc… But, I chose to stuff my face with food. Even though I know every single tool I can use to avoid binges, I chose to ignore everything and just ate my ass out. During the binge, I don’t even think, I don’t wanna think, and, the worst part is that I don’t wanna listen to the voice that wants to keep me from grabbing the food. I was also thinking of a cute boy I saw at the gym yesterday and assumed that he (or anybody else in that gym) must see me and see an overweight girl, an average girl, nothing worth staring at, no one even worth talking to. That happens to me all the time: cute guy=guy who won’t even notice me. I’ve tried to change that and I struggle to get those thoughts out of my system, but they’re still around and I think I have evidence to support them.

I know this bingeing is a habit, I know it is also a coping mechanism, but most of all, it has become a nasty habit.

I wasn’t going to post this, but not posting these thoughts and actions would make a mockery out of my blog and my recovery.

I feel much better after this, and I need to work with what I can control: the present. I could have kept bingeing, I could have gone to the bathroom and barfed, but I chose to write instead, and I will get out of this, I know it.

Walking on a tightrope

It just happened again: I binged.

I fell asleep working on a client’s website, got disappointed when I woke up, realized I’m sick of it (I’ve been working on it for over a month) and headed to the kitchen with a green tea on mind (and a chocolate bar, and nutella, and cookies, and whatever I could find).I zoned out, realized I was doing it, but kept going still and what kept me going even further was the idea of puking it… I got really close to doing it, I saw myself doing it as I swallowed the flour and sugar relentlessly. Once again I didn’t do it but I keep turning to binges whenever I sense an awkward emotion coming up. Just yesterday I felt as cocky as hell, and was so sure that I was beyond relapses. This situation, that just happened minutes ago, makes me realize I’m walking on thin ice, and if I  am not extra careful, I will keep slipping until I fall, fall hard.

The binge included:

  • 5 whole wheat cookies
  • 1/2 a slice of walnut bread
  • 1 teaspoon of nutella
  • 1 dark chocolate amaranth bar

Last year I started attending Compulsive Eaters Anonymous meetings, and felt really good at first because I got to meet people who struggled with weight and food the same way I did, and got talked into giving flour and sugar up because I just “couldn’t handle it”. The concept seemed like a nightmare, but I agreed I was addicted to flour and sugar and cutting them out of my life seemed like a hard but perfect solution to my problems. My “abstinence” (as they referred to the sugar and flour withdrawal) lasted about a week and a half, and when I cheated, I would stuff my face with as much sugar or flour as I could. Obviously it wasn’t working and what kept me going was the sharing and relating to a group that seemed to have so much in common with me. What struck me the most was that every single one of the women who attended the meetings were obese or very overweight and led unhappy lives: living with their mothers at 40 years of age, struggling with self destructing habits and insecurities, suffering from isolation due to their “condition”, etc. I stopped attending the group as I realized it wasn’t helping much. Yesterday I remembered my meetings while running on the treadmill and realized how I was being hypnotized into believing that I would never have a healthy relationship with food and got caught up into it because it was easier than dealing with the actual issue behind the overeating.

I don’t think I have figured it out yet, but I believe I am getting closer. Writing about it is turning out to be a way of reminding me how much I want to leave this ED behind by changing my thoughts into positive ones and knowing I can lead a different life.

Thanks for reading

Love, Erika