Focusing on the good, rather than on the bad.

Ok, so this weekend I allowed myself to wallow again. I felt especially bad because I am single. I went to a (very boring) bachelorette party and chose to let some insensitive comments get under my skin. I also happened to be surrounded by women who are either married, engaged or waiting to get engaged. So, obviously the subjects on the table were weddings, babies, honeymoons and husbands. I believe I am surrounded by friends who focus a little bit too much on having a partner or not. I am not surrounded by dream-achievers, disciplined, inspiring people… yet I allow these other people to influence me and make me feel lousily. 

Why, Erika, why? 

Because I focus on the wrong things. Being single is my current state. Single is my reality. My single-ness is a blessing and I am viewing it (and always have) as a flaw.

I am pursuing a relationship so much because I believe it will bring me happiness.

But only I can bring myself happiness. A relationship won’t change my current state, it will only enhance the love I am creating within. 

This post is to remind myself of the blessing it is to be single and ditch the limiting beliefs of society or the people around me who think someone is only happy with a partner by his/her side. 

Only I can make myself happy. And I am choosing to be happy right now. 

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Love is the way

I thought I was ready, that is why I called her in the first place. My old nutritionist, that is. And she is a good nutritionist! Her “diet” isn’t strict, everything is allowed in the right amount, in moderate portions. I’m talking flour, sugar, chocolate, everything is allowed. I love her system, I do. But then, while I was eating that last piece of chocolate chip cookie in the morning (even though I was beyond full), I remembered that going to a nutritionist isn’t the solution. Self love is, breeding healthy habits is, listening to my body is, loving my body the way it is today is the answer.

Today I saw an friend of a friend at the mall. He didn’t see me. 2 years ago he lost a LOT of weight, like people didn’t even recognise him afterwards. He lost the weight with the help of a nutritionist and he felt and looked great. I was in awe with his story, I got motivated and decided to try (yet another time) to go to a nutritionist. Months later, I was bingeing and barfing again. Today I saw that man I am talking about and he has gained the weight back again. I don’t think me seeing him was a coincidence. 

The point of this post/story? 

Going back to a nutritionist will help me lose weight quickly but not definitely. Eating consciously and healthily every single day will contribute to build healthy habits for my entire life. 

So, once again, LOVE is ALWAYS the way. 

Grateful

Tonight I am grateful for : 

The rain.

The song “Dancing in the Moonlight” that’s currently randomly playing on Spotify.

Meeting with old friends.

Having a close relationship with my sister.

My special friendship with Blondie

Realising that God is in my life all the time. 

My family. 

Going to a party wearing pants and not feeling (so) badly about it. 

Loving myself. 

Being myself.

 

Friday Night with my lil’ sis

So, I chose to stay in tonight even though I had plans to go clubbing. My intuition told me to do so, I listened and it was the best choice ever. 

I ended up chatting, laughing, listening to music with this beauty that I get to call sister. Our relationship has not always been the best but I decided to choose to be kind and loving to her, and the response has been INCREDIBLE. I’ve only started doing it for a week, which means I’ve just had a quick glimpse of the marvellous relationship we’ll have. 

It is true that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

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How I turn small obstacles into climbing walls

I expect things to be perfect.

With expectation comes doom.

I don’t deal well with failure, I paralise with it. Instead of searching for solutions, I sink very deep into it. I fill my mind with reasons why I should stay stuck and stuck I stay. From all of this comes paranoia concerning what others will think of me, how they will judge me. I always imagine I will get harshly judged but I am always my worst critique.

This is a small analysis of self. In order to solve a problem I have to identify it.

I have also realised that by letting things go and choosing not to judge myself so horribly, they flow. In order for life to flow harmoniously, there has to be a balance between the good and the bad (the love and the opposite of it).

In order for me to grow I will fall, I will step outside of my beloved comfort zone and create a new one that will eventually be left behind.

But most importantly, the growth has to happen without me being my worst judge.

I must remember to love myself and learn.

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Would 10-year old Erika be proud of the current one?

Today I had a not-so-good day: I didn’t wake up to go to my favorite yoga class, I had a not so hot day at work, etc. When I got home I had the intention of going to the gym but then, chocolate amaranth and procrastination got on my way.

I dove into my high school journal and I found pictures of my 14-year old self. I looked so good! I was hot and thin in secondary school, I just didn’t feel like it, I felt inferior and I didn’t enjoy that time in my life. I remember waiting for secondary school to end. “When I get into high school, I will be all I wanna be, I will be free, have a boyfriend, meet new people, have the body of my dreams, etc.” I used to say. And the same thing happened in High school before getting into College, and the same thing happened in College before graduating and getting a job.

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Pretty, hottie, 14 year old me in the middle 🙂

I was always waiting for something to change! And I haven’t gotten rid of that way of thinking yet! I postpone workouts, dancing, learning a new language, traveling, etc… I postpone living, CONSTANTLY!

Oh, that 14 year old me and that 25 year old me, how similar we are.

Anyways, all this analysing forced me to get my ass up and work out. It was hard, I enjoyed running but not all of it, and definitely not all of the weight training, but because of that, I felt so proud of myself. It’s silly, it’s a workout, but it felt like a HUGE deal.

Yesterday we celebrated Children’s day here in Mexico. Reason enough to go through photo albums and question my actions.

I want 10 year old Erika to be proud of who she ends up becoming.

I’m on it, Erika, I’m on it.

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From left to right: My dear, dear granny, my beautiful brother, my cousin, 10 year old ME :), my favorite cousin and my little sis.

Vicious Cycle

I opened a Graphic Design business over a year ago with 5 friends from college. I was sick of my job, the miserable wage and had just quit to embark on a 1-month long trip with my current boyfriend. To be completely honest, sometimes many times I make decisions out of impulsivity (what a surprise, huh? coming from an emotional eater). Opening a business was one of those things.

I have no accurate recollection of when, why or how I agreed to start a business, sign papers and commit to a “marriage” with 5 other people. Yes, they are my friends but did I want to sign those papers? On the moment, I thought I did. Did I know what I was doing? Certainly not.

Fast forward one year, 3 and a half months later. I am writing a post at 2:02 am on an attempt to understand how I got myself into a situation I can’t seem to get out of. You see, starting a business is not like eating half a box of cookies and then deciding to barf them or to go for a run on the treadmill to avoid a guilt trip afterwards. Eating half a box of cookies is a lousy decision, an impulsive decision, especially when the thing you dread the most is gaining weight. But, even with that dread in mind I have eaten half a box of cookies, hell I have eaten much more than that in a matter of minutes for a LONG time. Making irresponsible decisions and then “erasing” them by fooling everybody (myself included) became a sport. I chose to make the mistakes but desperately tried to avoid the consequences. I got used to it, to “eat whatever I wanted” and still lose the 4 pounds my nutritionist expected me to after giving me a no carbs, no sugar diet. I even realised that by barfing before I went to visit him, my body fat appeared to reduce a large percentage. I was the perfect patient. But the biggest scam was on myself.

So, back to the business part. I decided this week I am definitely not happy working with my friends, working independently. I have had that epiphany many, many times before, maybe even more times than you’ve heard Rihanna’s “We found love” on the radio. I feel like we’re not disciplined, not committed and not hungry enough to make this business a successful one. At first I thought I was being pessimistic but after a year and a half, I know I don’t have yet what it takes to make this business successful. My heart’s not in it, my mind’s not in it and I feel blocked, stuck, frustrated.

On an attempt to save the business, last month I attended some entrepreneurship conferences. I LOVED them and became inspired. On a specific one, I entered a contest to win a scholarship of Professional Assessment for Small Businesses. It turns out I won the scholarship and a consultant visited us today. He interviewed us all and asked us, amongst other things, why we wanted the Assessment, what were our goals, our weaknesses, our strengths, etc. As he kept asking, I kept thinking how much I don’t want to be there, how afraid I am to say it out loud but mainly, how much I don’t know what I want or what I would do instead. My main fear to coming clean to my partners is crushing them and not knowing what I wanna do instead. There is this little voice inside me saying that I shouldn’t keep working there, it has been there the whole time but I have ignored it because I feel the decision will bring pain and conflict.

I also think that in order to change my life drastically and turn it around, I must change my surroundings, my friends, my habits, my current situation. I don’t feel I’m where I’m supposed to be in order to break through. I believe we become the average of the 5 people we spend most time with and I definitely wouldn’t want to turn into any one of my partners.

The fear to tell this to my partners has been paralyzing me but the biggest fear is not knowing what I wanna do with my life next!

I don’t wanna make any impulsive decisions anymore so I have to really think what I want and stop thinking about what everybody else wants.

Gotta go to sleep, it’s 3am now. Thanks for reading!!!

Doing things differently

Mike Murdock said that in order to change your life, you should change something you do daily, so I am going to make it my life motto.

I had a rough couple of days (mentally) and since Thursday I’ve been anxious around food and eager to binge. So, yesterday I had a very big one but instead of wallowing in it, I’m deciding to perceive it as a mere setback and look forward. This epiphany came mainly from reading Cassie’s AWESOME blog, thanks a lot gurl! I will no longer place my energy towards the negativity going on in my head, that way I’ll be able to get rid of those limiting habits and beliefs. This doesn’t mean I’ll be denying those setbacks, I will just let them happen, let them be and then move on.

I am not yet in that place where I love my body, in fact I saw myself in the mirror today while in Zumba class and didn’t like it at all, but having this body and this current weight is teaching me a lesson I am finally beginning to learn.

I read yesterday, in my lovely book “Meditations from the mat” a very eye-opening quote from Marcel Proust: The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.

I wanna end this post with this loveliness I came across through a friend in Facebook.

Lots of love, my dear friends.