Ok, so going to the gym ain’t easy. Especially when you haven’t reached your goal weight or look. I still feel uncomfortable from time to time when I am squatting or doing crunches and my muffin top pops out in a not very gracious way, or when I’m sweating like crazy and a cute guy is next to me. I used to think all the time that these cute guys were maybe never gonna notice me, “they only will when I look a certain way”. I had been doing it all wrong. Thoughts are energy and that energy molds reality.
So, what I do when I catch myself thinking that, is look at myself in the mirror and say:
You are the hottest girl alive, even when you sweat you look amazing.
You are a champion for being here and doing your best.
You are attractive.
You are powerful.
You are capable.
You are worthy.
You are the prize.
You are freaking amazing.
As if by magic I turn into a power house immediately. And my gym session becomes a power session.
You are beautiful, know it, own it, say it, repeat it to yourself every freaking day. And so will I. 🙂
It had been silent for a while… ok, maybe not silent but very quiet, a week and a half to be exact, and that is a long time, at least to my loud, overly chatty, demanding negative voice. It spoke to me in the morning and said: “Don’t get up, let’s sleep in”, and sleep in I did. At work it also tried to sabotage me, to keep me useless but I chose not to let it take over me and managed to stay productive. I looked in the mirror and it whispered: “you are not pretty” but decided it was not true. It called me lazy and didn’t want me to work out but I worked out anyway. It tried to make me eat more in the afternoon while I was home but I immediately went upstairs to get out of the kitchen. I went downstairs to grab a cup of tea and picked 2 cookies up but only ate one. At night, after the workout I was very hungry and, I chose to have a binge. I hadn’t had one in a long time so why not have it now?.
Thoughts during the binge:
“You are slowing your weight loss process by doing this”
“You are sabotaging yourself yet once again”
“Maybe you like food way too much, maybe being fit isn’t that easy”
“I worked my ass off, I can eat all of this, I’ll just pretend I’m in maintenance”
“Maybe you’re afraid to lose weight or to have a healthy relationship with food”
“You are only lying to yourself”
“Don’t expect perfection”
And then, I stopped.
This is not a pity post, nor one to victimise myself. This is proof that the negative voice is starting to quiet down. Today I am choosing to forgive myself and have compassion towards me. I listened to it today but its repetitive, hating nature doesn’t go with me.
I am slowly but steadily getting the power back.
I decided to read my previous posts all the way back to when I started this blog and, opposite to what I used to read in my old non-virtual journals, I felt EXTREMELY good about myself. I don’t give Erika enough credit for what she does, I forget to be kind to her. Focusing on my negatives comes so easy to me that I tend to overlook my greatness.
Also, today as I was cooking myself some delicious paleo pancakes, I had this epiphany: I focus so much on comparing myself to others and diminishing EVERYTHING about me, that I just stay paralysed and feel sad/do nothing.
I am following TOO MANY beautiful blogs! So many that I barely have time to keep up with reading them and invest time on my (also beautiful) space in the www. I also follow way too many instagram accounts concerning fitness, positivity, inspiring quotes, etc. that I end up looking down on my own progress, work, blog, etc. I end up developing an obsession with everything and set unreachable standards for myself in order to feel badly. I’m a perfectionist so I judge myself too harshly. So, that must stop, I must get out of my way and DO stuff.
My self confidence will be rebuilt by keeping my word, reaching goals and accumulating small successes each and every day. My friend Lisa told me that what I need is “loving discipline” and I think that’s true.
““You will never change your life until you change something you do daily”-M. Murdock
Goals for tomorrow:
- Wake up at the FIRST alarm sound without pressing the snooze button
- Enjoy food, take time to eat
- Spending only 1 hour on Facebook (this’ll be a tough one)
- Refrain myself from criticising myself or others
- Set dates for long-term goals
- Be kind
My body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what I write down