Stuck to say the least

I’m in a job where I like what I do… most days. Some days I don’t feel like I’m growing or going anywhere and even though I wouldn’t have studied something other than Graphic Design, I sometimes wonder:

Why can’t I earn more money?

Why can’t I be independent?

Why can’t I be at my ideal, healthy weight?

Why can’t I have better exercise habits?

Why can’t I be braver to quit my job and find something that fulfills me?

Why can’t I be more talented, more beautiful, more centered and smart?

The answers to these questions are unknown. I hope I’m not just a mediocre human being who will always be mediocre in every aspect of my life.

 

What inspires me…

It seems like all I talk about are my binges and setbacks but, to be quite frank (and fair), I lead a very happy life. I also think I am used to enhance and highlight my failures because it keeps me stuck, stuck in my comfort zone and falsely “safe”. I wanna share images and stuff in general that keep me inspired, feed my dreams and make me wanna get out of that mediocre comfort zone.

Beautiful clothes

Beautiful clothes

 

Impeccable design

Impeccable design

Self-love promoting quotes.

Self-love promoting quotes.

Powerful, successful women

Powerful, successful women

My beautiful family

My GORGEOUS family

Of fashion and body acceptance.

I just came back from yet another high class, fancy ass mall (there are lots of those around my neighborhood). You know the works: 15-year olds wearing oversized bags, m.i.l.f.s EVERYWHERE strutting impeccable bodies covered from head to toe in outfits as if put together by Rachel Zoe and me, Erika wearing old Puma shoes, some ripped (in the groin area) Baby Phat jeans that I’ve owned since 1999 (more like 2005 but whatever) and a not-so-chic “I heart my B.F.” sweatshirt.

Now, I’m a graphic designer whose been interested in fashion ever since I was 13 and wanted to be a high class fashion designer living in Paris or Milan at age 27, (I wrote that on a letter to myself as an assignment in English class) . My career took a different path (a better one) but my interest in fashion has not changed; I even had about 6 albums of pictures I recollected from magazines or newspapers of models, celebrities and fashionistas. I aspired to be one of those girls and used to think that if I closed my eyes, wished really hard and pictured myself being one of those girls, it would eventually come true. I have always been naive to the point where I thought that even though I was 5’3″ tall, by reaching my 20’s I would be the tallest, thinnest and prettiest girl in the world, regardless of my genetic history. The problem was that I was wishing to be somebody else while ignoring and rejecting my current self. Once I realized I wouldn’t reach a 6ft height, a size 0 or have mile long legs, insecurity kicked in. I threw out all of my albums and decided to acknowledge my true self. This is a process I’m still in the middle of and it is not being as easy or as quick as I would have wished it to be.

Two years ago I decided to stop buying celebrity-gossip and fashion related magazines because it did my head no good at all… but about one year ago I ran into an article in a magazine at my boss’ bathroom about fashion bloggers which lead my way back into fashion. So, I started to spend hours, days and weeks going through fashion blogs ever since I decided I wanted to dress better. I decided that in order to become familiarized with trends, designers and the fashion scene without having to buy self-esteem shattering fashion magazines, I would attempt a friendlier approach through fashion blogs.

Little did I know that it would later turn into another not-so-healthy obsession and yet another excuse to feel inferior or unfulfilled. I was going(and still occasionally am) through blogs made by girls my age (or even younger) documenting their fabulously fashionable lives making my own life look as if I lived in a box under a bridge. Like, seriously, what do this fashion bloggers do for a living that they can travel around the world looking every day as if they were headed to a magazine shoot or a catwalk? Where do they get the time or money to look like that every single freaking day of the week? I can’t even manage to not repeat my outfits for the weekend’s special occasions!!! Anyways, so after realizing how this blogs started affecting me negatively, I decided to stop going through them as religiously as I used to and searched for other blogs that would lift my spirits instead of crushing them.

I am really happy I have found this new wave of positive, uplifting, self-love breeding blogs, it has given me so much more and has contributed to my acceptance enormously ; it is constantly reinforcing my self-confidence.

But then, there are days like today where I yearn to have been born with impeccable style and walk nonchalantly amongst a crowd of fashionistas feeling like I belong there.

Naturally, I wanted to go back home and eat the whole fridge and pantry, I detected my intention to eat my feelings of inferiority away. I decided to write a post instead and have a cup of tea. My answer to every crisis is food, so I need to condition myself to release my energy in another way and allow myself to feel :).

I had an epiphany today: being in my design firm is like being in an unhappy marriage. I feel like my calling is living/working abroad, it has always been! I always imagined my job being glamorous and exciting… right now it hasn’t been any of those. I feel as if my whole body is telling me I don’t belong where I am right now, it’s like I’m rejecting it. I need to think things through in order to not make an impulsive decision (as I always do) and come up with a plan and a clearer goal.

I thank this little blog for helping me have a clearer mind.

I leave you with two quotes that fit this post perfectly, by Steve Jobs:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

“So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”