I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

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Venting time

These past couple of days have felt like Deja vu.

I am back at where I started. I am 28 now. I am unhappily employed. I compare myself to other people and their jobs. I’m a pro at evading. I’m 24 again.

What did my 24 year old self did that got me right back here? She planned and promised but failed to develop either discipline or commitment. She moved from one comfort zone to another. She kept it quiet, not wanting to disturb. She pleased people. She kept herself down by not acknowledging her abilities. She was afraid to shine. She avoided listening to her gut (even though it was screaming out loud).

What is my gut saying right now?

Don’t quit French lessons, you’re doing amazing and it has a purpose, I promise. Keep writing on your blog. Honour yourself by keeping your promises. Develop discipline. Work hard(er). Flee the country.

What would I say to my 24 year old self?

You will travel as much as you wish to (Missouri, NY, Chicago, Paris, London, and multiple times to the beach). The trips will exceed your expectations: reality does beat imagination. You’ll be very happy and unhappy because such is life (but happiness rules most of your life). You’ll learn French and succeed at it. You’ll get closer to real friends and discard the phony ones. You’ll lose 10 pounds in 5 months. You’ll enjoy taking care of yourself. You’ll binge on chocolates… and laughter and love. You’ll face rejection and write about it, and that will help you learn, hence grow. Love, your future, awesome self. “

 

 

 

 

Would 10-year old Erika be proud of the current one?

Today I had a not-so-good day: I didn’t wake up to go to my favorite yoga class, I had a not so hot day at work, etc. When I got home I had the intention of going to the gym but then, chocolate amaranth and procrastination got on my way.

I dove into my high school journal and I found pictures of my 14-year old self. I looked so good! I was hot and thin in secondary school, I just didn’t feel like it, I felt inferior and I didn’t enjoy that time in my life. I remember waiting for secondary school to end. “When I get into high school, I will be all I wanna be, I will be free, have a boyfriend, meet new people, have the body of my dreams, etc.” I used to say. And the same thing happened in High school before getting into College, and the same thing happened in College before graduating and getting a job.

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Pretty, hottie, 14 year old me in the middle 🙂

I was always waiting for something to change! And I haven’t gotten rid of that way of thinking yet! I postpone workouts, dancing, learning a new language, traveling, etc… I postpone living, CONSTANTLY!

Oh, that 14 year old me and that 25 year old me, how similar we are.

Anyways, all this analysing forced me to get my ass up and work out. It was hard, I enjoyed running but not all of it, and definitely not all of the weight training, but because of that, I felt so proud of myself. It’s silly, it’s a workout, but it felt like a HUGE deal.

Yesterday we celebrated Children’s day here in Mexico. Reason enough to go through photo albums and question my actions.

I want 10 year old Erika to be proud of who she ends up becoming.

I’m on it, Erika, I’m on it.

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From left to right: My dear, dear granny, my beautiful brother, my cousin, 10 year old ME :), my favorite cousin and my little sis.

The perfect post

I’ve been planning to do a perfect post to write but they all end up at the Draft folder… I take forever to write a post, I judge my writing and blog too hard. I have also started comparing my own little writing space to other blogs I follow so I have decided to stop that and just keep using this to vent.

I have very good things going for me right now, I’ve been in the best mood and gratefulness has got EVERYTHING to do with it.

I’ve been going to the gym at least 4 times a week. I’ve been doing weight training  2 times a week, even when there are just men in that area and even though I feel I’m the most unfit there. But this time I am using my lack of fitness as motivation and drive to keep going, to keep working my butt off. I have come to realise that the effort you put onto something, creates matching results. I had never tried being constant at the gym before so I kept feeling disencouragement that only led to stop exercising and eating recklessly.

Not as awkward as I would have imagined self-picture… or maybe a bit.

I have become one of those people who take pictures of themselves at the gym (always have wanted to be one!) so what better place than my blog to show it?

I don’t have a perfect body (or booty) but I love it because this beauty takes me all sort of places, functions perfectly well, does spinning, runs 5km and efficiently exercises 4 times a week. This is also a portrait of a no longer bingeing body :).

This is a process

Everything in life is a process, i tend to forget that. I want things to change immediately and to obtain results right away.

On Friday I ate dessert and felt guilty, so I decided to have a very healthy dinner.

On Saturday I had 2 binges: one in the morning, another one at night, after a party I went to.

On Sunday I had a very big, fat binge in the morning while being alone and feeling guilty for the previous binge I had had.

Are you sensing a pattern here?

I wrote what I ate right away and I also wrote my emotions linked to the binges. Both binges led to similar conclusions, but instead of feeling like I had realized something important, I felt incredibly guilty, disappointed and down overall. I decided to take action so I emailed a dear blogger friend who previously suffered from the same ED but is now fully recovered. She said just the right things to me, and gave me powerful insight.

She suggested that I should see the binges as mere setbacks, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up as hardly as I usually do. She also mentioned that when she used to binge and feel guilty about it, that guilt would usually trigger another one. The same exact thing happens to me. Amongst other things she also asked me to analyze which void I am constantly trying to fill with food… I know I have many voids but I can’t point at only one exactly. Another eye-opening thing she said to me, was that by focusing now on losing weight (those 26 pounds) is a way of not accepting myself the way I am right now, of rejecting my current weight, image, etc.

Hating or rejecting my body has been a constant in my life and even though I love it now more than I did a few years ago, I am not fully happy with it yet. In order to lose weight, recover from an ED, etc, I must start with mad love over my body (my entire self, for that matter).

Today I told my mom about the binges, how they happen and why they happen. I mentioned also that I am starting to worry about this binges being EXTREMELY similar to the ones I used to have when I started with bulimia. I realized that because I keep my food journal from 7 years ago, when I was at my lowest personally, physically and emotionally. My mom then came up with the idea of burning that little diary to flames. She said it would be a ritual symbolizing my decision to leave the painful past behind, and moving on. She suggested instead, for me to start a journal with positive quotes, phrases, affirmations and everything positive going on in my life. It will work as a daily reminder of how amazing my life really is, how amazing I am (and can be), and also a way to reprogram my now twisted mind.

I’m starting now, so beware because there’ll be nothing stopping me right now. I know there’ll be setbacks and bad days, but as I previously stated: “Fall 7 times, stand up 8”.

I’ll leave you with a lovely quote, dear readers. It’s from a great site. I hope you enjoy it, and hopefully you’ll subscribe to The Daily Love . It will really start turning your perspective on life around.

Avoiding the pain

Living the way I’ve been living this past years has been more like running away from pain, than actually living. Doing things out of certainty have maintained me in a “comfort zone parallel universe” and have kept me from being the best possible version of myself. I consider myself to be an impulsive, impatient person, meaning that I need to obtain immediate results and answers or else, I will quit. And so the story of my life has been written without really being something worth reading about. Now, I’m not saying that my life has been boring and miserable but I think I have so much potential within me that hasn’t been exploited efficiently AND that needs to change. I feel like I finally got where I need to be to turn my life into an amazingly inspiring story.

Writing and reading this is very inspiring but in order for it to become POWERFUL, it must be put into action. The tip of the iceberg (bulimia) is already out of the ocean, so now I must work on what’s been buried out of self-preservation.

Enough writing and analyzing, more doing and realizing.

I must sleep now in order to be productive tomorrow and work on myself effectively.

Thanks for choosing to witness this beautiful growth going on inside me.

Lots of love, Erika.