Everything in life is a process, i tend to forget that. I want things to change immediately and to obtain results right away.
On Friday I ate dessert and felt guilty, so I decided to have a very healthy dinner.
On Saturday I had 2 binges: one in the morning, another one at night, after a party I went to.
On Sunday I had a very big, fat binge in the morning while being alone and feeling guilty for the previous binge I had had.
Are you sensing a pattern here?
I wrote what I ate right away and I also wrote my emotions linked to the binges. Both binges led to similar conclusions, but instead of feeling like I had realized something important, I felt incredibly guilty, disappointed and down overall. I decided to take action so I emailed a dear blogger friend who previously suffered from the same ED but is now fully recovered. She said just the right things to me, and gave me powerful insight.
She suggested that I should see the binges as mere setbacks, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up as hardly as I usually do. She also mentioned that when she used to binge and feel guilty about it, that guilt would usually trigger another one. The same exact thing happens to me. Amongst other things she also asked me to analyze which void I am constantly trying to fill with food… I know I have many voids but I can’t point at only one exactly. Another eye-opening thing she said to me, was that by focusing now on losing weight (those 26 pounds) is a way of not accepting myself the way I am right now, of rejecting my current weight, image, etc.
Hating or rejecting my body has been a constant in my life and even though I love it now more than I did a few years ago, I am not fully happy with it yet. In order to lose weight, recover from an ED, etc, I must start with mad love over my body (my entire self, for that matter).
Today I told my mom about the binges, how they happen and why they happen. I mentioned also that I am starting to worry about this binges being EXTREMELY similar to the ones I used to have when I started with bulimia. I realized that because I keep my food journal from 7 years ago, when I was at my lowest personally, physically and emotionally. My mom then came up with the idea of burning that little diary to flames. She said it would be a ritual symbolizing my decision to leave the painful past behind, and moving on. She suggested instead, for me to start a journal with positive quotes, phrases, affirmations and everything positive going on in my life. It will work as a daily reminder of how amazing my life really is, how amazing I am (and can be), and also a way to reprogram my now twisted mind.
I’m starting now, so beware because there’ll be nothing stopping me right now. I know there’ll be setbacks and bad days, but as I previously stated: “Fall 7 times, stand up 8”.
I’ll leave you with a lovely quote, dear readers. It’s from a great site. I hope you enjoy it, and hopefully you’ll subscribe to The Daily Love . It will really start turning your perspective on life around.