Ok, so going to the gym ain’t easy. Especially when you haven’t reached your goal weight or look. I still feel uncomfortable from time to time when I am squatting or doing crunches and my muffin top pops out in a not very gracious way, or when I’m sweating like crazy and a cute guy is next to me. I used to think all the time that these cute guys were maybe never gonna notice me, “they only will when I look a certain way”. I had been doing it all wrong. Thoughts are energy and that energy molds reality.
So, what I do when I catch myself thinking that, is look at myself in the mirror and say:
You are the hottest girl alive, even when you sweat you look amazing.
You are a champion for being here and doing your best.
You are attractive.
You are powerful.
You are capable.
You are worthy.
You are the prize.
You are freaking amazing.
As if by magic I turn into a power house immediately. And my gym session becomes a power session.
You are beautiful, know it, own it, say it, repeat it to yourself every freaking day. And so will I. 🙂
So, remember how I talked about the boy I like at the gym? Well, through wise advise from friends and self realisations, I’ve come up with several conclusions that I wanna share.
By wondering if he likes me, if he’ll go to the gym, if he thinks I look good while running, etc., I’ve been giving too much power to what he thinks, and while doing that, I idealised and glorified him. By doing so, I had him on a pedestal and found it impossible to look at him, let alone talk to him.
So, yesterday I chose to shift my perception and not look at him from a crush mindset but rather look at him as any other guy. I dropped the expectations and just let it be. He intervened while I was on the leg press machine and said that I would damage my knees the way I was doing it; he also helped me find some weights and was overall interested in what I was doing in the weight room. I didn’t try to interpret his actions, I just allowed them to happen and it felt so damn good.
And I basically concluded that either he likes me or not, either people approve of me or not, I like and love myself and keep working on it every single day.
I arrive at the gym with the mentality that he doesn’t like me, that I don’t stand a chance with him. I hop on a treadmill and realize he is 2 treadmills apart, running his butt off. I run 1km and then start doing some weight training. I am aware he’s there, and walk by his treadmill during my circuit but I NEVER make eye contact with him, I walk by him as if he was not there. I look at myself in the mirror and perceive my messy hair, worn off pants, sweat dripping down my face and body. I don’t look as good as I can but I focus on doing my circuit effectively because he is watching from his treadmill, at least that is what I (like to) think. I finish my circuit and hop again, one treadmill away from him. I run even though I feel extremely tired already but, you know, he is right there so I won’t stop. I then remember I’m running for me, not for him so I start cooling down, my body was asking me to. Meanwhile, he finishes his routine, stretches, picks his stuff up, and leaves after turning around and waving goodbye to me.
He probably won’t know, after today, how much I like him and how terrified I am to even look at him.
I have to struggle, every time I go to the gym, with my self- appreciation.
I am not the most comfortable in the room, I feel overweight and I am constantly reminded of that fact by only looking at my reflection in the mirror. I talk myself into going, into not quitting, into not caring what others may or may not think but it’s hard!
Maybe nobody even cares as much as I do, maybe they don’t even realise I’m there.
This self-love thing is hard, especially today.
I’ll go to the gym nonetheless but today it is hard.