I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

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Venting time

These past couple of days have felt like Deja vu.

I am back at where I started. I am 28 now. I am unhappily employed. I compare myself to other people and their jobs. I’m a pro at evading. I’m 24 again.

What did my 24 year old self did that got me right back here? She planned and promised but failed to develop either discipline or commitment. She moved from one comfort zone to another. She kept it quiet, not wanting to disturb. She pleased people. She kept herself down by not acknowledging her abilities. She was afraid to shine. She avoided listening to her gut (even though it was screaming out loud).

What is my gut saying right now?

Don’t quit French lessons, you’re doing amazing and it has a purpose, I promise. Keep writing on your blog. Honour yourself by keeping your promises. Develop discipline. Work hard(er). Flee the country.

What would I say to my 24 year old self?

You will travel as much as you wish to (Missouri, NY, Chicago, Paris, London, and multiple times to the beach). The trips will exceed your expectations: reality does beat imagination. You’ll be very happy and unhappy because such is life (but happiness rules most of your life). You’ll learn French and succeed at it. You’ll get closer to real friends and discard the phony ones. You’ll lose 10 pounds in 5 months. You’ll enjoy taking care of yourself. You’ll binge on chocolates… and laughter and love. You’ll face rejection and write about it, and that will help you learn, hence grow. Love, your future, awesome self. “

 

 

 

 

Celebrating and enjoying

I stopped writing in my gratitude journal and noticed a shift in my thoughts and behaviour. I’ve come to realise that it takes small actions every single day to keep a positive and healthy mind. I stopped being grateful and negativity crept back in. 

I am constantly doubting my power to manifest things into my life and I don’t even know why because evidence has proven that self-doubt to be wrong. 

I am currently happily employed, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job and I am sure I manifested it.

I was unhappy in my other job and that unhappiness was only bringing more unhappiness. So I shifted my attitude completely: I started being happy for no reason, made gratitude journaling a habit, and pretended I had already found a job I was happy at. All while I applied for jobs and went to interviews. I was even grateful for those jobs I didn’t land. 

Anyways, I wanted to remind myself of that, and let you all know that with the right attitude and action, we can manifest ANYTHING into our lives. 

My older brother just graduated from college and he is an example of perseverance and manifestation. 

I wanted to share happiness with you :).

Wrapping this post up with a lovely picture ofImage the entire family in Rolla, MO. 

Thanks for reading. 

 

 

Focusing on the good, rather than on the bad.

Ok, so this weekend I allowed myself to wallow again. I felt especially bad because I am single. I went to a (very boring) bachelorette party and chose to let some insensitive comments get under my skin. I also happened to be surrounded by women who are either married, engaged or waiting to get engaged. So, obviously the subjects on the table were weddings, babies, honeymoons and husbands. I believe I am surrounded by friends who focus a little bit too much on having a partner or not. I am not surrounded by dream-achievers, disciplined, inspiring people… yet I allow these other people to influence me and make me feel lousily. 

Why, Erika, why? 

Because I focus on the wrong things. Being single is my current state. Single is my reality. My single-ness is a blessing and I am viewing it (and always have) as a flaw.

I am pursuing a relationship so much because I believe it will bring me happiness.

But only I can bring myself happiness. A relationship won’t change my current state, it will only enhance the love I am creating within. 

This post is to remind myself of the blessing it is to be single and ditch the limiting beliefs of society or the people around me who think someone is only happy with a partner by his/her side. 

Only I can make myself happy. And I am choosing to be happy right now. 

Thank you. (Yes, you, goodlookin’ reader)

Hello, everybody. This is me, Erika.

A year ago I was a mess, a total and complete mess. I didn’t like my body, my job or myself… but I did nothing to change it, I just chose to be depressed. I thought depression was out of my control but actually, it was a choice. I chose not to be happy because I thought I needed many things to accomplish fulfilment or happiness. 

A year ago I was different but throughout it I chose to work with the tools I found through this blog, through all the wonderful people I read and the amazing ones who read me who I get to call friends. You know who you are ;).

I started this blog to be inspired and never imagined I would receive comments from people saying how I inspired them. You have been the ones who keep me going. Everytime I was down and wrote about it, one comment from an amazing person behind his/her computer would make me know I was not alone. I am not alone and I know it because of you. 

I wanna tell you that you are an extremely important factor in my recovery and I love you for that.

A year ago I didn’t have a blog family. Today, I do. 

Love, me. Image 

PS: Keep writing in your wonderful blogs. Even though I’ve been absent from mine, I’ve kept reading yours. 

 

Happiness

This video moved me to the point of tears. I’ve been pretty teary-eyed lately. In a goood way. I’ve been happy, happy, happy.

I feel like sharing my happiness. I realised I used to only write when I wanted to vent and it works amazingly well but this time I’ll vent my joy.

I turned 26 on September the 18th and had an absolutely amazing time. I celebrated for about 3 weeks! I am finally enjoying celebrating my birthday without worrying too much about who will show up and who won’t. I am falling in love with myself enough to realise that whoever wants to be there, will be there. The day of my birthday I worked like crazy and enjoyed it cause I happen to LOVE my job. I didn’t think I’d come to this, to being so happy with myself.

Writing every single night on my gratitude journal has been the best decision I’ve ever made. I get to document all the things that make my life bright and they just keep piling up. I started writing 5 sentences per night. Now my list goes on for 2 or 3 pages each night. It is very true that when you Appreciate what you have you end up having more. 

Life is really good. And I say that while I rest my swollen, injured foot because of a sprain I had on Sunday night. I say that while I’m still happily single. I say that without having lost all the weight I would like to. I say that without having a perfect existence. But I am happy because I love happiness and she loves me back.

I’m allowing  happiness to become a part of me because as Beyoncé says, life is but a dream. And we are all living miracles. 

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Healthy (yes, healthy) dessert cooked by my dear blondie.

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My gorgeous-looking gratitude journal

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Dinner cooked by yet another friend who also happened to buy White Wine… and Champagne, and sparkling wine.

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Me and my “twinny” (a dear friend whose birthday happens to be on the exact same date as mine)

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My best friend and I looking dapper on a friend’s wedding

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A childhood friend and I having fun at the music festival where I sprained my foot at.

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My first birthday cake and the most special one cooked by my mom and adorned by my lil’ sis.

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2 friends and I. I love the candidness of this picture, it’s just perfect.


Gratitude narrowed into a post

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I am so grateful, it ought to be contagious.

I have a job now! Remember how I was complaining about not having money and a job and whatnot? Well, that attitude didn’t do any good to my situation, it only worsened it. I started to thank in advance for a great job and chose to be happy (jobless) instead of waiting to land a job in order to be and guess what? It worked cause now I have a job (!!!!) and even though today was my second day, I am L O V I N G it like crazy. I like what I’m doing, I like my coworkers and I am just amazed of how good life can be if I let it. Life loves me back now that I’ve chosen to love it.

This isn’t a post to brag, this is a post to thank.

I am grateful for my new, harmonious job.

I am grateful for having friends who worry and care for me.

I am grateful for having a great gym to go to.

I am grateful for making smart choices at eating.

I am grateful for being me and loving me.

Life is truly wonderful if you allow it to, friends. I love you for reading me and am grateful for you too (you beautiful thing, you).

Sending infinite love!!!

Friday Night with my lil’ sis

So, I chose to stay in tonight even though I had plans to go clubbing. My intuition told me to do so, I listened and it was the best choice ever. 

I ended up chatting, laughing, listening to music with this beauty that I get to call sister. Our relationship has not always been the best but I decided to choose to be kind and loving to her, and the response has been INCREDIBLE. I’ve only started doing it for a week, which means I’ve just had a quick glimpse of the marvellous relationship we’ll have. 

It is true that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

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Shout out for love

“Now, you can’t just go into the pantry and expect everything to be ok because, chances are, it won’t, it will only get worse”.- That is what I say to myself to talk me into stop bingeing, yet the voice who speaks the truth (the voice of love, that is) seems to be so quiet and laid back I choose to not listen to it.

Yesterday I talked to Lisa and, after my previous post, she helped me get to the bottom of why I criticise myself so harshly. She asked me, amongst many, some very eyeopening questions but, by far, the most striking and shattering ones were:

Do you think you’re surrounded by people who judge enough to feel that it’s ok to critique others?

Could it be that maybe because you judge others so ruthlessly, you feel everyone judges you?

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend most time with”. Definitely the people who surround me are experts at judging… no wonder why I have become one, too. The thing is that I am as much to blame as the people who surround me for being judgemental. The worst part is that I have immersed into negativity, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

Well, fortunately I have guidance and this is what I am aiming for these days:

Enjoying and loving myself exactly how I am right now, not 20 pounds lighter, not with a better job, etc. Getting close to people who go through the same battles I go through so we can support each other and cheer each other up.

Knowing that my natural, healthy weight will find its way when I show love and respect for my temple: my body. I’ve been feeding my negative wolf and starving the positive one. The negative voice LOVES eating compulsively, and judging, and sleeping in, and procrastinating.

Talk about being an expert in the negative field.

Instead of being an expert in criticising, I must focus on lifting others up, on pointing their positive traits and what makes them beautiful (on the inside and out). I’ll see a mirror in them. I’ll do additional journal work, in order to tell myself everything that is beautiful and valuable about me. Feed the loving voice all day long. Say stuff about myself that I love, praise myself, celebrate my inner and outer beauty! BRING THE PRESENCE TO NOW. Quieting the critic, not trying to eliminate it. Don’t allow hate to take over. Recognise it and stop!

This week I’ve been trying and have realised how much work I still have to do.

Recognise the love within and expand it, spread it.

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Was having a bad day until…

…the universe showed me reasons to smile. 

Just when I needed to, this quote popped in my newsfeed, a happy client called to show gratitude, and Spotify made a hell of a job playing my favorite songs ever. 

I choose to trust, I choose love, I choose abundance. Because yes, how we live life is a choice. 

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Words would utterly fail me…

That is how I’ve been feeling lately. That’s why I haven’t posted so often. I enjoy seeing pictures more than I do describing them. This is me and my friend during our trip to Ixtapa. Her family invites me every year to enjoy, along with them, indescribable sunsets, heavenly meals and dinner, 50’s, 60’s and jazz music, pink wine and great company. Abundance is a constant in my life. I just haven’t been paying attention. Thank God I am starting to.

“Every day, during 5 minutes, feel the feelings you most want to feel for the rest of your life. Until your entire life begins to change.”20130317_183336

What inspires me…

It seems like all I talk about are my binges and setbacks but, to be quite frank (and fair), I lead a very happy life. I also think I am used to enhance and highlight my failures because it keeps me stuck, stuck in my comfort zone and falsely “safe”. I wanna share images and stuff in general that keep me inspired, feed my dreams and make me wanna get out of that mediocre comfort zone.

Beautiful clothes

Beautiful clothes

 

Impeccable design

Impeccable design

Self-love promoting quotes.

Self-love promoting quotes.

Powerful, successful women

Powerful, successful women

My beautiful family

My GORGEOUS family

And then, life happens.

So, I was having a really lousy day today. I woke up feeling drowsy because I had stayed up way late going through Facebook photos of myself that eventually led to some Facebook creeping of friends, until I was stalking some stranger who appeared to look good in his profile pic but had his profile protected so that’s when I decided to close my laptop and go to sleep. Before snuggling comfortably into bed, I wrote the 5 things I was grateful for that day inside my little gratitude journal and then wrote on my other journal, 2 promises I would keep the very next day in order to get my self-trust back. I wrote: Enjoy food and take the appropriate time to eat it; Apply known and taught techniques to avoid binges; Wake up the first time I hear my alarm clock. 

I kept all of my promises and right now, when I arrived home from the movies with a friend, all I wanted to do was hit the kitchen and eat whatever I set my eyes on. But then I remembered this post on my drafts, the promises written on my journal and the fact that I am willing to change… my mind cooperated this time (today, at least).

Anyways, so, I took a bath in the morning and was in a grateful mood: I had prepared my breakfast, eaten it slowly, was now taking a bath and thinking how fortunate I am to have my own bathroom, my own room, hot water, etc. I got out, moisturised my body and then the dreaded moment to put clothes on arrived. Right now, my clothes don’t fit and I don’t have enough money to go out and buy decent ones (there is also some denial going on, with the fact that I don’t approve of the current look of my body), so I am only wearing clothes that fit me, which are only 2. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt disgusted, that’s the word. Up until that moment, my mood changed dramatically: I got cranky, self-conscious and sad.

I talked to my favourite cousin through my cellphone and she managed to calm me down. Thank you, plims!

I arrived to the office and had to go to the bank to get a new credit card because mine had been compromised and I couldn’t use it at all. I had been postponing that task because well, who enjoys going to the bank? Certainly, not me. Eventually, it all turned out alright, and it seems like the whole day started going my way so naturally, my mood changed.

My day consisted on not bingeing, eating with my friends (and ex-partners), enjoying my food, getting a free drink at Starbucks (and I complain about my weight?), going to the movies for free, and preparing a delicious salad instead of bingeing on unhealthy food.

I am definitely going to sleep with a smile on my face.

All thanks to the beautiful life that happened to me.