A challenge every day

So far I’ve been doing stuff on a zombie mode and haven’t been challenging myself. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at 69kg. I’m at a comfort zone in my job and have developed not so good eating habits.
So I’m starting today. Two hard things to do tomorrow:

Wake up without hitting the snooze button.

Go on a full day without Facebook. 

And if i write it here, i will be able to achieve it, fo sure. 

Love is the way

I thought I was ready, that is why I called her in the first place. My old nutritionist, that is. And she is a good nutritionist! Her “diet” isn’t strict, everything is allowed in the right amount, in moderate portions. I’m talking flour, sugar, chocolate, everything is allowed. I love her system, I do. But then, while I was eating that last piece of chocolate chip cookie in the morning (even though I was beyond full), I remembered that going to a nutritionist isn’t the solution. Self love is, breeding healthy habits is, listening to my body is, loving my body the way it is today is the answer.

Today I saw an friend of a friend at the mall. He didn’t see me. 2 years ago he lost a LOT of weight, like people didn’t even recognise him afterwards. He lost the weight with the help of a nutritionist and he felt and looked great. I was in awe with his story, I got motivated and decided to try (yet another time) to go to a nutritionist. Months later, I was bingeing and barfing again. Today I saw that man I am talking about and he has gained the weight back again. I don’t think me seeing him was a coincidence. 

The point of this post/story? 

Going back to a nutritionist will help me lose weight quickly but not definitely. Eating consciously and healthily every single day will contribute to build healthy habits for my entire life. 

So, once again, LOVE is ALWAYS the way. 

Setting boundaries

I once went to have my Astral Letter read. What is that? You may wonder. It’s a diagram used by astrologists to provide a psychological interpretation and predict stuff about the person who asks for a reading. I don’t know if “Astral Letter” is the proper name for it in English, i just translated it from how it is known in Spanish.

Anyhow, amongst other things, my letter said that my mission in life is setting boundaries, accepting myself and having pretty hair haha.

I hadn’t been on the best mood because one of my partners started bullying me all day long. He likes to joke a lot at expense of others and he’s usually funny but ever since we work every single day together, I’ve become quite fed up with his little jokes. He makes fun of how distracted I am, how slow, how desperate for a boyfriend I am, how lazy, how much I don’t like to think, etc. He’s always been like that, but right now it has intensified. The thing is, that this isn’t the first time it has happened to me. I generally let people make fun of me and put me down just because it can be funny and entertaining. Pleasing people has gone overboard and I hate confronting others because I’m afraid they may not like how I talk to them. So there, I said it: I’m scared to be strong when all of my life I’ve been weak and have allowed others to step over me. I’ve always given impressive power to other people’s opinion, so if they say I’m distracted, lazy, slow, ugly or fat, I’ll believe it and act accordingly.

This is not a pity post, it is an eye-opening one. And, whenever I don’t honor my word, whenever I don’t treat my body like a temple, whenever I sleep late, whenever I waste my own time and listen (and believe) other people’s agressions towards me, I am not loving myself, I am giving up the power to love my own perfect self.

I’ll go to sleep now.

I leave you with a very beautiful, powerful and inspirational speech.

Paying homage to myself

I’m finally on track, feeling blissful and willing to change.

By focusing on my blessings, I have found myself in a happier and more blissful place. I’ve been doing the 30-day Gratitude Challenge Nicole proposes on her lovely blog, and I am fascinated with it!

It’s amazing how many blessings I have, and every day that passes by, I find myself with more blessings than the day before. The mere fact of having air in my lungs makes me incredibly fortunate.

 

Regarding my body and mind, I am doing better. I am feeding love to my body by exercising, reducing my alcohol intake and talking kindly to it whenever I look in the mirror. I’m in the process of training my mind in order for it to stop associating any apparent problem, stressful situation or anxiety to food. It is not being easy but I enjoy challenges. I am determined to change, so discomfort will constantly be present in order to help me grow.

 

I am choosing to love and respect myself.

Flowing

Oh today!

Today I woke up at 6am and returned to my family club where I did a 1 hr spinning class and an aerobics one afterwards. My return was pretty intense haha, I even felt a little dizzy afterwards! But I enjoyed having finished my workout at 9 am. My mom had to wake me up, I admit it, but the important thing is that I did it and it felt great. I stopped attending those classes because they don’t fulfill me 100% but neither did a lot of other classes, so I have to stop with the excuses and get shit done!!

I’ve been hanging out a lot with a new friend whose energy is entirely different than any of my strong-character kind of friends. She is very similar to me in many ways: we’re both adaptable, kind, funny, distracted and overall nice haha. I have many different friends and social groups, but whenever I try to mix them, it ends up being a disaster. The main problem is that most of them belong to different groups because their strong personalities and character make it impossible to mesh well together. This new acquired friend appeared in my life recently and I don’t think it was a coincidence, I know it is a reflection of how I’m feeling and the self-love I am breeding. She is also helping me realize many things because she listens to me and gives me advice. She is contributing immensely to my self-growth. I wanted to mention her because she’s become so close to me to the point we call each other “twins”. She is 3 years younger than me but appears to be 17 haha. I think she is the first close friend I connected with without sharing weight problems or without pretending to be anything other than me, our relationship flows harmoniously. She is naturally skinny and eats like crazy. But being around her doesn’t make me feel fat or inferior, not even when we go to nightclubs together and she gets hit on constantly. I think that fact also speaks positively about my new built self confidence. Here’s a picture of both of us at a party in her house. We’re the best looking twins ever 😉

On another subject, I have been extremely sensitive with one of my partners who uses “light bullying” to make fun of others, or make people laugh. He is definitely walking evidence of how the way you feel inside reflects how you treat other people. It seems I have been attracting not many positive people into my life, the good thing is that I’m becoming aware and that by changing the relationship towards myself, I’ll be attracting more positive and blissful people. They say that people around us are like mirrors, and I strongly believe there’s a little bit of me in each close friend/partner/family member. And, there’s a lesson I have to learn from each one of them. I think I’m getting there.

I’ll wrap this post up with an amazing quote from my lovely book “Meditations from the mat”.

HE THAT WILL NOT APPLY NEW REMEDIES MUST EXPECT NEW EVILS; FOR TIME IS THE GREATEST INNOVATOR.- Sir Francis Bacon

The perfect excuse

I had a small binge today. That will not define my entire day though, especially because today has been a good one.

I’ve had A WHOLE WEEK without binges (yay for me!) and was obviously feeling cocky and proud of myself… I even felt like giving advice to people who admit to have a problem with binging (ha, ha, ha). This isn’t the first time that happens to me but this isn’t the only reason I go back to binging either. I have come to realize how I always seem to find or look for the perfect excuse to stuff my face with fatty foods/eat my emotions binge, and it has become a habitual activity. But I see my relationship with food as a mirror of my relationship with life. I always have the perfect excuse to not do what I should be doing or to not achieve what I know I can achieve. My overweight is the perfect alibi to EVERYTHING that goes wrong in my life.

Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Because I’m overweight.

Why do I avoid going to the beach? Because I don’t look as I would like in a bikini.

Why don’t I go to the gym? Because my pants don’t fit as good as they did and I don’t want people staring at my unfit body.

Why is my self esteem low? Because I’m 22 pounds heavier than I should be.

Why don’t I dress better? Because only extra skinny girls can be fashionistas, curvy girls have to pick clothes that favor their figure.

Why do I feel inferior next to other chicks? Because no matter how their face looks, how their personality is, if they’re thinner than me, I instantly feel uglier or unworthy.

The list goes on and it seems like the root of all my “problems” are my weight and appearance. Why do I keep sabotaging myself by binging or eating irresponsibly then? I think the answer would be that I’m afraid of achieving my goal, and I have found comfort in being overweight because it represents an obvious reason to feel badly about myself and not having what I want. What happens if I finally shed the pounds and still find myself boyfriendless, with low self esteem, with fear of going into the gym, etc? Who or what will I blame then?!!?!?!

What I need to work on is in doing everything I’m supposed to do RIGHT NOW, not tomorrow, not 10, not 20 pounds later but NOW. That way, I will stop hiding behind food excuses and actually start living to the fullest. Binging is what I do out of familiarity and habit: it’s easy, it gives me instant pleasure and it keeps me overweigthly (yes, I just made up a word) safe and justified for living the way I do. Binging is easy! Dealing with emotions, hard work and fear is certainly not! That’s why I’ve been doing it for so long and why I refuse to take responsibility of my actions, hence my life.

This is me at my ideal weight( 26 pounds lighter), 7 years ago. Can you believe I didn’t feel good about myself? I would kill to look like that right now. But, this is proof that I have to work with my head and emotions, not so much with my body. (Sorry about the bad quality of the picture, I stole it from Facebook haha).

I’m gonna go work out now. No excuses for that.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Vanish into thin air

Today was definitely not a good one.

Food wise, it actually was: I consciously stopped myself from having a binge, and that’s all I accomplished today. For starters, today my hair decided to look terrible, then Sandy (a friend of mine) asked me to bring along another girlfriend to her birthday dinner party on Saturday because a (male) friend asked her to “introduce him to hot single friends”; she said that she didn’t think of me because he’s probably not my type. If my self esteem wasn’t low enough today, this “requirement” from Sandy managed to sink it lower.

Work wise, I’ve been working on a very uninspiring project that makes me wanna quit work and marry a billionaire. You see, I have a special commitment to this client, he’s my best friend’s dad and trusts 100% in our work… I care more for him than I do any of my uncles. He owns a welding products supplier company, so you can only imagine how inspiring that is for a graphic designer to work on. The idea of opening my own design firm, was to do what I love the most: designing and creating but right now I’m not doing any of those and I haven’t received any money from this client because the website was due April.

So, I’m basically broke and unhappy. Ideally, I should be doing what I love, loving what I do and the money flow should be abundant, right? Well, it isn’t and even though I’ve tried to change my attitude, I grow more desperate every single day, week, month that passes by. I feel like I’m wasting my best years in feeling miserable and unfulfilled, and the inexistent professional achievements do my self esteem no good at all.

Focusing on my weight and body image is easier than focusing on what I want for my future or even right now! On days like these I wished I could vanish into thin air and not have to worry about anything.

My gut tells me to not continue on this company I created along with my friends but I don’t know if I can trust my instincts so blindly. If I do become independent again I wold have no idea what to do next. But, until I finish this project, I can’t do anything, so I feel stuck and powerless over my situation.

I’m gonna go work out now to see if it helps to clear my head.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony

I had been looking forward to writing on my blog but hadn’t had the time…until now.

So, I had a hell of a weekend: i binged, this time not on food but on alcohol. I had the worst episode of binge drinking I’ve ever had in my life  and I’m extremely ashamed to talk about it but I think it’s vital that I do, it’s good for analysis. I drank recklessly like a 15-year old and puked all the way back to my house like Linda Blair did in The Exorcist. Not a pretty picture, but that’s the way it happened. I did so much harm to my body, it shut down into a kind of coma until I woke up with the ugliest headache and nauseas the world has ever known. I got really disappointed in me, I felt like the most immature 24-year old, and I’m certain that my body doesn’t deserve to be treated that way but somehow I keep harming it. This very unpleasant experience had something to teach me, but unless I lay it down on the alcohol from now on, it will have been worth it.

I realize I take the longest time to write a post because I overanalyze what I write, dribble through facebook, pinterest, twitter and get distracted with practically anything. I’ve been writing this post since yesterday morning…

And it ain’t only in my blog, I tend to preach having the positivest of attitudes, to be fearless and make happiness a journey, to dream high, to attract what you think into your life and whatnot but my actions don’t match my words… I talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. It’s much easier to talk the talk, believe me, I have been doing it for a long while now, but by doing that I haven’t reached any of my goals, instead I’ve been postponing them and some of them get lost along the way. I’m sharing this year’s visioning board to assure myself that by the end of the year I’ll be adding a check next to each goal. In a heartbeat the year (or the world, haha) will be over and I can’t end it with half the goals achieved!

I’m also evaluating how I’ve been doing so far on thriving to achieve them. 

Looking at it, I realize I forgot to capture money or income increase! I’ll have to fix that.

From top left to right : Being fashionable, shop a lot, to return dancing, have a loving couple in my life.

Middle section, left to right: remaining close to my family, read more, making my firm successful, eating deliciously, dancing again, me being immensely happy, to run wearing only a top, to love my body and soul, to do as much Editorial design as i can, to meet a guy resembling Ryan Gosling.

Bottom, left to right: take up again painting with watercolour, more editorial design, learning web design, being more like Valery Casey , going to the beach and get to know amazing rock formations and nature spaces.

So far I’ve been acting lazy and passively in every area so I must do less dreaming and more achieving.

Giving my body the rest, nutrients, treatment it needs and deserves is vital so I’m off to sleep now.

Thanks for reading 😉

Love, Erika

The “what others think” factor

I’m on a guilt trip right now: I just shared a pizza (a very delicious, greasy one) with 2 friends and even though I ate 2 pieces, I feel badly about it, there’s something about fatty foods that makes me feel guilty. The positive thing about it, is that I enjoyed it, ate it slowly and took the time to eat it.

I haven’t posted on the last days because I am finding it hard to set myself a blogger identity, I follow other blogs and find out that they’re so interesting, different, attractive, inspiring and followed by a lot of people (unlike mine, says my head). The same happens to me, Erika as a person, I keep comparing myself to others and end up feeling inferior. But you know what? I’m done with this self pity, negative posts, and thoughts for that matter. Yes, I’m becoming aware of them by writing about them but enough is enough!! I haven’t barfed since April and don’t plan on doing it anymore, no more hurting my beautiful body and mind.

On Friday I did something I’m proud of: I rejected going to a party with a very pushy and controlling friend who hadn’t told me the host of such party was a dude I hate, not dislike, but hate. I did what I wanted to do and didn’t put my friend’s opinion before mine, so I am really happy for me :).

Saturday was an extremely awesome day: I proved myself how powerful my mind is and how a positive attitude can affect the outcome of a day. I had a friend’s birthday party which didn’t thrill me at first but I chose to think differently and ended up having the best time! At night, I had been invited to celebrate another birthday in a fancy night club and really felt like going but by 12am, I started thinking of bailing: I have an aversion to those places because I tend to become intimidated by the looks of other chicks BUT, I chose to look my best and feel my best. Well, my friends, let me assure you that our minds are impressively positive and powerful devices when programmed accordingly. Not only did I have a blast that night, but I got hit on by (both unattractive and attractive) men (and boys), and managed to get me and my friend free drinks (without doing anything unwanted, don’t worry). I kissed a very nice, good looking Brazilian boy (he was 21, I’m officially a cougar) and danced with a bunch of other guys. I don’t usually kiss boys at night clubs, but this one was extremely cute and did I mention that he surfed and had an awesome body? So if I hadn’t kissed him, it would have been a shame. The rest of the night I danced with my friend (who is very skinny, flirty, young, attractive, hence successful with guys) and didn’t once feel unattractive or insecure next to her, I chose to enjoy myself and acknowledge what I bring to the table.

I also found a fashion blog  of a curvy girl who preaches self love, self confidence and looks damn good while doing it! She adds inspiring quotes on every post and her attitude in every picture is fierce. It’s really refreshing to find a fashion blog in which the protagonist isn’t slim, extremely skinny, or anorexic… instead she flaunts a full figure wearing bold outfits and an “I don’t care what you think” attitude. I have already become a fan of her blog and hope to develop her self-confidence and self-love.

What I struggle with constantly is the opinion of others: I live in a society where skinny people are worshipped and overweight people are frowned upon. I am totally into exercising and eating healthily but I am discovering that accepting my body and loving it the way it is, flaws and all, is an essential element to reach a weight goal.

I’m enjoying this positivism going on in my life, and I have only tasted a small bite of how great it can be so I am sticking to it until I have mastered it in every area of my existence.

I have to go now to exercise my ass off at the gym.

Thanks for reading, lovelies!

Kisses, Erika

Walking on a tightrope

It just happened again: I binged.

I fell asleep working on a client’s website, got disappointed when I woke up, realized I’m sick of it (I’ve been working on it for over a month) and headed to the kitchen with a green tea on mind (and a chocolate bar, and nutella, and cookies, and whatever I could find).I zoned out, realized I was doing it, but kept going still and what kept me going even further was the idea of puking it… I got really close to doing it, I saw myself doing it as I swallowed the flour and sugar relentlessly. Once again I didn’t do it but I keep turning to binges whenever I sense an awkward emotion coming up. Just yesterday I felt as cocky as hell, and was so sure that I was beyond relapses. This situation, that just happened minutes ago, makes me realize I’m walking on thin ice, and if I  am not extra careful, I will keep slipping until I fall, fall hard.

The binge included:

  • 5 whole wheat cookies
  • 1/2 a slice of walnut bread
  • 1 teaspoon of nutella
  • 1 dark chocolate amaranth bar

Last year I started attending Compulsive Eaters Anonymous meetings, and felt really good at first because I got to meet people who struggled with weight and food the same way I did, and got talked into giving flour and sugar up because I just “couldn’t handle it”. The concept seemed like a nightmare, but I agreed I was addicted to flour and sugar and cutting them out of my life seemed like a hard but perfect solution to my problems. My “abstinence” (as they referred to the sugar and flour withdrawal) lasted about a week and a half, and when I cheated, I would stuff my face with as much sugar or flour as I could. Obviously it wasn’t working and what kept me going was the sharing and relating to a group that seemed to have so much in common with me. What struck me the most was that every single one of the women who attended the meetings were obese or very overweight and led unhappy lives: living with their mothers at 40 years of age, struggling with self destructing habits and insecurities, suffering from isolation due to their “condition”, etc. I stopped attending the group as I realized it wasn’t helping much. Yesterday I remembered my meetings while running on the treadmill and realized how I was being hypnotized into believing that I would never have a healthy relationship with food and got caught up into it because it was easier than dealing with the actual issue behind the overeating.

I don’t think I have figured it out yet, but I believe I am getting closer. Writing about it is turning out to be a way of reminding me how much I want to leave this ED behind by changing my thoughts into positive ones and knowing I can lead a different life.

Thanks for reading

Love, Erika

I deserve to be my best friend

Ok, so I had a lovely dinner on Friday here at home, but returned to bingeing… nothing over the top, nothing to keep me up at night, but it was a binge nonetheless. Whenever I host a dinner or party, I pressure myself to have everything as perfect as possible, and end up feeling stressed. But I don’t think that’s what led me to binge, though. We ordered pizza, a friend brought delicious (but highly caloric) butter cookies and drank wine. I drank moderately, had 2 pieces of pizza, but then came cookie time and I couldn’t help myself: I must have eaten like 10 little heavenly stress-relievers.

What caused it: Comparing myself to my slim friends; feeling “heavy”; worrying about pleasing everybody; feeling guilty for eating pizza and cookies for dinner; thinking about my legs looking too fat with the dress I was wearing; feeling un-pretty and overweight; feeling less next to some friends; not being kind enough to myself.

I felt badly after the binge, but not as bad as I have felt before, and I kept repeating in my head how this binge had been different and how I’m stronger now. It was a new post-binge feeling: barfing didn’t cross my mind (yay me!). The barfing thoughts are fading away slowly but definitely, and I like that, I know this time it’s not a provisional farewell, but a definite good bye.

Daily exercise is now out of the question, and I had intended to count my calories in order to lose weight but today I realized how that turns my ” deprivation button” on and triggers the unwanted binges. So instead, I will try eating more slowly, enjoying my food, consuming smaller portions and believing that whatever I eat will nurture, energize and benefit my body.

Instead of turning my negative affirmations into positive ones, I will make positive affirmations, so here they come:

  • I’m a morning person
  • I am smart and focused
  • I love myself unconditionally

Thanks for reading and thank all of you readers and bloggers who make my existence more meaningful.

Love, Erika.

 

Friday I’m in love

Even though I slept late last night(2:30am), I managed to wake up at 10 am, and I know it’s not early at all, but on past occasions whenever I stayed up that late, I ended up waking at 12pm.

I’m having a dinner party at my house with my high school friends, and usually I would have been indifferent to it, but this time I decided to be a good hostess and prepare some delicious snacks for my visitors. I did that all day today, and yesterday afternoon I made some sushi as another snacking option. I am very excited for tonight, instead of stressed out as I would have normally felt. My attitude has definitely changed lately, I think discovering this blogging community has significantly influenced my day to day life: reading positive and inspiring people every day is being extremely powerful to me. The best part of it all, is that I can relate to what other people are feeling, and realize I’m not the only one who has bad days and bad thoughts from time to time.

Thank you bloggers, for you are contributing to my recovery in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine!!

I must take a bath now, cause I just ended my workout and have to leave in like half an hour to a client meeting.

Thanks for reading! And all of you bloggers, thanks for writing!!!!!

Kisses, E.

 

Self-love and control

Today I consciously stopped myself from having a binge: I had a mid afternoon snack (banana with peanut butter), and wanted to keep eating, so I grabbed 2 cookies, and as I was heading to the larder to keep eating whatever I found on sight, I decided to put the food away, and not binge. I am very proud of myself!!! I definitely had barfing thoughts, but I have come to the conclusion that it is totally not worth it.

I keep practicing being kind to myself, I am willing to make it a habit.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”.

Good day today. XOXO.

E