Stuck to say the least

I’m in a job where I like what I do… most days. Some days I don’t feel like I’m growing or going anywhere and even though I wouldn’t have studied something other than Graphic Design, I sometimes wonder:

Why can’t I earn more money?

Why can’t I be independent?

Why can’t I be at my ideal, healthy weight?

Why can’t I have better exercise habits?

Why can’t I be braver to quit my job and find something that fulfills me?

Why can’t I be more talented, more beautiful, more centered and smart?

The answers to these questions are unknown. I hope I’m not just a mediocre human being who will always be mediocre in every aspect of my life.

 

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The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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Paying homage to myself

I’m finally on track, feeling blissful and willing to change.

By focusing on my blessings, I have found myself in a happier and more blissful place. I’ve been doing the 30-day Gratitude Challenge Nicole proposes on her lovely blog, and I am fascinated with it!

It’s amazing how many blessings I have, and every day that passes by, I find myself with more blessings than the day before. The mere fact of having air in my lungs makes me incredibly fortunate.

 

Regarding my body and mind, I am doing better. I am feeding love to my body by exercising, reducing my alcohol intake and talking kindly to it whenever I look in the mirror. I’m in the process of training my mind in order for it to stop associating any apparent problem, stressful situation or anxiety to food. It is not being easy but I enjoy challenges. I am determined to change, so discomfort will constantly be present in order to help me grow.

 

I am choosing to love and respect myself.

Flowing

Oh today!

Today I woke up at 6am and returned to my family club where I did a 1 hr spinning class and an aerobics one afterwards. My return was pretty intense haha, I even felt a little dizzy afterwards! But I enjoyed having finished my workout at 9 am. My mom had to wake me up, I admit it, but the important thing is that I did it and it felt great. I stopped attending those classes because they don’t fulfill me 100% but neither did a lot of other classes, so I have to stop with the excuses and get shit done!!

I’ve been hanging out a lot with a new friend whose energy is entirely different than any of my strong-character kind of friends. She is very similar to me in many ways: we’re both adaptable, kind, funny, distracted and overall nice haha. I have many different friends and social groups, but whenever I try to mix them, it ends up being a disaster. The main problem is that most of them belong to different groups because their strong personalities and character make it impossible to mesh well together. This new acquired friend appeared in my life recently and I don’t think it was a coincidence, I know it is a reflection of how I’m feeling and the self-love I am breeding. She is also helping me realize many things because she listens to me and gives me advice. She is contributing immensely to my self-growth. I wanted to mention her because she’s become so close to me to the point we call each other “twins”. She is 3 years younger than me but appears to be 17 haha. I think she is the first close friend I connected with without sharing weight problems or without pretending to be anything other than me, our relationship flows harmoniously. She is naturally skinny and eats like crazy. But being around her doesn’t make me feel fat or inferior, not even when we go to nightclubs together and she gets hit on constantly. I think that fact also speaks positively about my new built self confidence. Here’s a picture of both of us at a party in her house. We’re the best looking twins ever 😉

On another subject, I have been extremely sensitive with one of my partners who uses “light bullying” to make fun of others, or make people laugh. He is definitely walking evidence of how the way you feel inside reflects how you treat other people. It seems I have been attracting not many positive people into my life, the good thing is that I’m becoming aware and that by changing the relationship towards myself, I’ll be attracting more positive and blissful people. They say that people around us are like mirrors, and I strongly believe there’s a little bit of me in each close friend/partner/family member. And, there’s a lesson I have to learn from each one of them. I think I’m getting there.

I’ll wrap this post up with an amazing quote from my lovely book “Meditations from the mat”.

HE THAT WILL NOT APPLY NEW REMEDIES MUST EXPECT NEW EVILS; FOR TIME IS THE GREATEST INNOVATOR.- Sir Francis Bacon

Coming clean

Today I came clean to my mom about it all. She had lived with the idea that I stopped binging and barfing 6 years ago, that the problem only lasted a few months and that it all had stopped there. Well, I told her the truth today and she cried, but my reaction to her tears wasn’t the same one I had 7 years ago when I first told her I had bulimia.

Back then, I thought Bulimia was an ugly disease that I could manage to overcome with the help of therapy and will power in a matter of months. Little did I know that it would become my shelter for 7 years and that the only one who could help me overcome it was myself.

I decided to tell her not to obtain compassion or to blame her for my problems, but to let her know that I am ready to leave the disease (and everything that comes along with it) behind. I am stronger now than I was 7 years ago, I am kinder to myself and I am breeding self love day by day. But I still have days where I feel down and unwilling to do anything that nurtures me, like today. That is why this silence about my 7-year old disease was feeling like a heavier burden each passing hour, day, week, month…

By telling my mom about it, I feel like a weight fell off my shoulders. She is the most important person in the world to me, and knows me better than myself, and I can tell that she suffers by seeing me suffering and depressed. Whatever she does and has done is only for us, her love is the most unconditional one I have received. I came clean because I felt like it was an important step of recovery. Maybe  I wasn’t sure before doing it, but right after I told her we had a long talk and now I feel really really good.

Love, Erika

The perfect excuse

I had a small binge today. That will not define my entire day though, especially because today has been a good one.

I’ve had A WHOLE WEEK without binges (yay for me!) and was obviously feeling cocky and proud of myself… I even felt like giving advice to people who admit to have a problem with binging (ha, ha, ha). This isn’t the first time that happens to me but this isn’t the only reason I go back to binging either. I have come to realize how I always seem to find or look for the perfect excuse to stuff my face with fatty foods/eat my emotions binge, and it has become a habitual activity. But I see my relationship with food as a mirror of my relationship with life. I always have the perfect excuse to not do what I should be doing or to not achieve what I know I can achieve. My overweight is the perfect alibi to EVERYTHING that goes wrong in my life.

Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Because I’m overweight.

Why do I avoid going to the beach? Because I don’t look as I would like in a bikini.

Why don’t I go to the gym? Because my pants don’t fit as good as they did and I don’t want people staring at my unfit body.

Why is my self esteem low? Because I’m 22 pounds heavier than I should be.

Why don’t I dress better? Because only extra skinny girls can be fashionistas, curvy girls have to pick clothes that favor their figure.

Why do I feel inferior next to other chicks? Because no matter how their face looks, how their personality is, if they’re thinner than me, I instantly feel uglier or unworthy.

The list goes on and it seems like the root of all my “problems” are my weight and appearance. Why do I keep sabotaging myself by binging or eating irresponsibly then? I think the answer would be that I’m afraid of achieving my goal, and I have found comfort in being overweight because it represents an obvious reason to feel badly about myself and not having what I want. What happens if I finally shed the pounds and still find myself boyfriendless, with low self esteem, with fear of going into the gym, etc? Who or what will I blame then?!!?!?!

What I need to work on is in doing everything I’m supposed to do RIGHT NOW, not tomorrow, not 10, not 20 pounds later but NOW. That way, I will stop hiding behind food excuses and actually start living to the fullest. Binging is what I do out of familiarity and habit: it’s easy, it gives me instant pleasure and it keeps me overweigthly (yes, I just made up a word) safe and justified for living the way I do. Binging is easy! Dealing with emotions, hard work and fear is certainly not! That’s why I’ve been doing it for so long and why I refuse to take responsibility of my actions, hence my life.

This is me at my ideal weight( 26 pounds lighter), 7 years ago. Can you believe I didn’t feel good about myself? I would kill to look like that right now. But, this is proof that I have to work with my head and emotions, not so much with my body. (Sorry about the bad quality of the picture, I stole it from Facebook haha).

I’m gonna go work out now. No excuses for that.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Dreamy dream

I had the most amazing dream:

My dad, my sister, my mum and I went to London for a shopping spree because my dad had to give a very important speech in front of a big audience. It all seemed so real, and my sis and I were shopping in H&M, and my dad was buying CD’s and movies, just like old times sake. I think the fact that I’ve been watching interviews, pictures and videos of the Dyer Family had a lot to do with my dream. Dr Wayne Dyer is always preaching about abundance, meditation, peace of mind, and he definitely leads by example. He’s definitely an example to me and my family.

I am gonna use my mind to attract only good and positive things into my life.

The day is not over yet, but I haven’t barfed or had barfing thoughts.

There’s another thing i am entirely certain of: I have a loving, caring and special person waiting for me, I am not worried at all of my singleness now, I know love will find me, and it will be special because I am.

I am still kinda asleep, but I’m awakening little by little.

I’m gonna go to the gym now and have good workout.

What is the most important muscle for weight loss? the brain.

Love, E.

Am i sleeping?

Today I didn’t barf, and I exercised for 37 minutes in the treadmill. It was not a good day, nor a bad one…

I feel as if I had activated a “neutral” button inside me that makes me act indifferent and unpreoccupied towards everything. I am not happy with my current job, and I am not very fond of one of my partners. I feel very lost, and don’t know where to find myself. My only clear goal is to have an awesome body and rock a bikini like an American Apparel model. I am tired of going to the beach and have people avoiding looking at my body. I am sick of walking and feeling relatively saggy abs, ass, legs and arms. I like the way my body is shaped, though: I have abundant ass, big legs, small waist and small breasts. I have kind of a hourglass shape, but the thing is that right now, the hourglass is made out of clay, not glass. I need to find a way to reach that goal I’ve been seeking for years. The first steps I am taking are eating right, enjoying my food, exercising every single day, and avoiding binging and barfing. I am definitely not certain about my professional future, I only know I will be successful. I imagine myself being a very important ,self-sufficient , disciplined woman… someone I would look up to. I know I am and have always been passionate about dance, fashion, typography and editorial layout design (well, that last one is recent).

Anyway, I have to go to sleep, it’s almost 3:30 am, so, to start with my baby steps towards a life with beneficial habits, I have to rest well.

I am going to finish every post with a positive inspiring thought or idea in order to attract more of that into my life.

“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew.” ~ Albert Einstein

I came across that phrase, and I think it definitely applies to me.

Love, E.